Published November 24, 2007
My first attempt at abstract poetry. I didn't bother recreating the placement of words and phrases from what I had on paper.
Little droplets of water,
Millions of them,
Falling from the sky;
Now softening,
Now intensifying;
Accompanied by falsetto winds
And percussive thunder;
Spontaneous,
Unrehearsed,
Imitating past showers,
but
not
the
same;
Having only one chance,
One,
Before reaching the ground.
So making do with what they have
They
fall
with
musical
grace,
Through the black night,
Into a bass cadence.
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Why thank you Azila. We are all entitled to our opinions, and yours is no less significant than anyone elses. Thanks ^^
I really liked this. Honest. I actually thought that the italics added to it.
I just suggest you make this part one line:
The other place you used one word each line it was really effective, I thought.
So I liked it. But my opinion probably doesn't mean as much as those other people because I'm not exactly as learned when it comes to poetry as they are.
But if it does mean something, good job. I like writing about rain too...
~Azila~
No consequence at all, it seems!
I don't find much that's abstract here. The rain sounds musical, yes, but of what consequence is that? At the end, I'm left thinking "so?" And in light of that, there doesn't seem to be much more to say.
Sorry for the italics, I have a thing where I italicize all my poems that I post.
And thank you both for your honest critiques. I knew very well it wasn't going to be recieved well, hence my hesitation in posting it.
Thank you especially Cade. I don't think anyone has been that brutal or brash with a work of mine before. All the more reason for me to place you above them. Not saying no one was dishonest with my work, but probably not as inclined to state their mind as you were here. You have attacked every aspect of the poem, and as such have shown me what exactly needs to be worked on, which, it seems, is everything!
You'll have to forgive my analogy of music for nature. However, it being a poem and all, you couldn't, perhaps, give me a little leeway as I wrote the poem in a spurt of inspiration. All I could hear was the rain, and that is what the poem is about. The sound of a storm. ^^;;
I have to say I'm not quite as impressed as Suzie. I find this a tired repetition of thousands of teenage naturey poems. The tone is breathy, listlike. The imagery...not so original. The idea of comparing a storm to music is so old it's rarely done well anymore. It can be done well, mind you.
Putting your whole poem in italic is not going to make us appreciate it any more. Nix it.
The structure...just no. It's childish to do one word a line when you're talking about rain, it's like, "Oooh, let's have loads of line breaks emphasize the pattern of raindrops falling!" To be honest, it just annoys your reader. Keep in mind that poetry is a verbal and auditory art form; it's not just on paper. Keep in mind that line breaks are not read when a poem is read aloud. One should read the last word in a line and the first word in the next line as though there is no break in between them, unless punctuation dictates otherwise. If you want your words to be separate and accented, try using punctuation. The one-word-a-line might seem neat when it's on paper, but I really advise against it. Your poem should be made sophisticated by more than an addiction to the return key.
Abstract poetry is such a bizarre thing because... I don't tend to like it. XD I prefer the concrete, and something that will invoke emotion... This was beautiful though, I liked the way it sort of twisted down to the end, as if you were the drop of water falling down... The italics are distracting, are those a style preference of just something done? Your capitalization is also distracting because near the beginning you capitalize by new lines, and then by sentence structure. I think sentence structure works better, or it might even fair well with no capitalizations. I'm not sure, I would have to see it set up as such.
I read over it again, and it really is beautiful, but I read over it wanting more. I like how you compare to past showers, giving this little drop of water more power than it actually has. I think the only things I could tell you to keep in mind are word choice (why droplets rather than drops?) and trying to give it more meaning, perhaps use it as an extended metaphor for something. Of course, by saying that I'm trying to impress my beliefs upon you; I love poetry with meaning, something that can make me think or feel long after I am done reading. You're beautiful at writing it, so I wouldn't see why adding meaning could harm this poem at all. It could only add to it.
Keep it up.