Sometimes I feel incomplete. Often, it feels like a big chunk of my world broke off and floated away to make its own peaceful, quiet place. But now there are two unfinished pieces floating around in space, searching for the other in vain. There is no turning back now.
Exactly six months ago, my twin sister died. She is the missing piece of my world. We were closer than anyone else ever even came close to. I loved her so much and I didn’t find how much I really did love her until she was gone.
My family and I are driving to Rock Hill Cemetery, where my sister rests. We go every month on the day she died—the ninth. I’m sitting in the back, observing the faces of my family. In the seat to my right, my brother Samuel looks down at his lap and twirls his thumbs sadly. In the passenger’s seat, my mother sets her jaw like she’s trying to be strong. But the crystal ball rolling down the hills of her cheek doesn’t escape my attention. Through the rearview mirror, I can see my dad’s sorrowful gray eyes fixed blindly on the road ahead. I turn to the window I’m sitting in, and look at my reflection. Sad, puffy eyes stare back at me, her pupils islands lost in a sea of hopelessness. I press my hand on the arctic ice of a window, and another milky, transparent hand touching my frosty fingers.
I miss you.
The car turns and the light moves, taking my reflection with it.
Goodbye.
I wonder if she has forgotten me. She probably has too much fun in heaven to pay any attention to what’s going on down on Earth. I wonder if she still helps others like she helped me, distraught souls that are confused and sad. I wonder if she’s troubled too, like them, or if she’s living her new life in blissful ignorance. Why did God have to take her away from me? Would He let her forget about me?
I focus outside, where the sun makes the powdery snow sparkle brighter than any precious stone. The pine trees droop under the wait of the snow, mourning. Children play in the snow, ruddy-cheeked and laughing. They didn’t know that the saddest girl in the world was passing them at that very moment.
Tears burn my eyes. The scene outside has changed—rows of lifeless slabs of stones darting past. They seem so cruel and heartless. They are gray and cold like the weather.
The car stops. I grab the flowers perched in the middle seat and step out. My boots sink into the soft snow, swallowing my foot whole. We all trudge slowly past graves. Some have large crosses on the top; others are just curved stone. Some have beautiful, smiling angels. But their smiles are bitter and apathetic. I see her tombstone immediately. It is smaller and simpler than all the ones around her. How she deserved so much more than all the rest of these dead people.
CAMERON BAILEY
1995-2007
I set the bouquet of her favorite flowers next to her gravestone. A gust of wind blows a tattered, yellow paper at my feet. A small voice in my heart told me that this paper was very important. I slowly bent down, my family staring at me curiously. I smoothed it out a little on my knee,held it up and read it in my head.
To love is to not forget. You will never be forgotten by those whom loved you.
God would never let her forget me.
Hi,
Your story was very well written. It really made me feel for both characters of the story. I can't say much else because everyone else has pretty much covered it. I really liked it.
My favorite line was:
To love is to not forget. You will never be forgotten by those whom loved you.
God would never let her forget me.
There is nothing I specifically did not like about this piece although I agree with a few of the comments other people had made in their reviews...I won't reiterate them as it'll just be boring!
The piece is strikes me as very dscriptive and I think you could go the whole hog and add two or three more paragraphs of description into what you have posted here...
The other thing I feel it is lacking is character definition particularly for both the dead and alive twin...what dd their lives consist of and how is live twins life going to change now Cameron is not around? What does she miss most?
A well constructed and interesting plot line. It had just the right touch of morose longing and it was not overcomplicated. I cannot tell you how great that it. Many eager writers are trying to shove whatever flashy piece of writing they can stick into three sentences. But you knew what you wanted and created a wonderful story. You exposed the characters just right and you didn't make anything dependent on the side characters. It was an excellent feat of writing and you deserve high praise indeed. Keep writing. I enjoyed this.
Oh goodness love, I got chills.
This is great.
I love how well you showed the emotion of a grieving family.
A lot of us know what its like to lose a loved one, but not too many can write about emotions like that.
:]
Wow, this was really good!
I love the emotion you are able to spread, even if it is that of extreme sadness!
It was incredibly hard not to cry as I read this, especially with the last lines.
You are able to describe really well, you should get a gold star for this, you will.
Please write more! i loved this. Many published authors must find it hard to produce so much emotion in such a short space of time!
Good Luck!
Wow....i really liked that, it seemed very deep and meaningful.
The only thing is some of the sentences are a little hard to understand, just some phrasing that you need to re-read to understand the imagery. For example when you explain the mothers tears.
Also, starting sentences with the word 'but', you really should try and avoid doing that when possible.
I like to know the back story to things so i would have liked to know what happened to her sister, but for a short story that might seem unnecessary.
Also, i like the end, with the note.
"To love is to not forget. You will never be forgotten by those whom loved you."
Nice touch.
Towards the middle, I have to admit, I almost did start to cry a little bit. But since I'm a guy, I refused to acknowledge the tear leaving its trail on my check.
Your greatest asset is your ability to describe. In just a few words you can give the image of what takes many writers 20 or 30.
Whether this story is true or not, it's pretty flawless.
This is great for a short peice. I really liked the descriptions of your narrator's family's moods and appearances, it was all very realistic for the situation. One part that really kind of sounded odd to me was this (in bolded)
In the passenger’s seat, my mother sets her jaw like she’s trying to be strong. But the crystal ball rolling down the hills of her cheek doesn’t escape my attention.
This was very nice. You kept it short and sweet and to the point without over-complicating the story with random thoughts and words that really aren't necessary. I also enjoyed how you didn't use ten different adjectives to describe one emotion. A lot of people tend to do that in the hopes that the writing will sound more deep and meaningful, but it really just muddles the story and prevents it from moving forward.
Very good job! I would love to find out how Cameron died.
That was so beautifully written. It had a lot of emotion in it, sad, but good. As far as I see, there were no errors. Also, very good imagery. It gave the story it's mood. I do have to say one thing,though. The part when you explain the sister died. It would have sounded a little better without it. Nonetheless, it was a great story! Keep it up! ^-^
Extremely well written and extremely sad. I think by the time you described the MC's family, I was officially depressed.
Part of what makes this story so good to me, is that at my school we published a story in our lit magazine about a girl losing her twin sister. No offense to the author of it, but it was horrible. Just horrible. And this one was so good.
One thing--I know you probably thought you had to have a flashback in the story, but the one you have now I don't really like. It's too short and interrupts the flow for me. I think it's okay not to have one. You have have the MC think about her sister's memory more. Maybe delve into what her personality was?
Okay! Favorite lines!...
In the passenger’s seat, my mother sets her jaw like she’s trying to be strong. But the crystal ball rolling down the hills of her cheek doesn’t escape my attention.
Sad, puffy eyes stare back at me, her pupil’s an island lost in a sea of hopelessness. I press my hand on the arctic ice of a window, another milky, transparent hand touching my frosty fingers.
It is smaller and simpler than all the ones around her. How she deserved so much more than all the rest of these dead people.
To love is to not forget. You will never be forgotten by those whom loved you.
God would never let her forget me.
Hi, Bittersweet.
I liked this immensely. It was delicate and intruiging, sad and poetic without falling into depressing. In a way, it was reasonably uplifting. Kudos to you!
L
The reader can really identify with the girl, I think. You've written this well.
Sometimes I feel incomplete. Often, it feels like a big chunk of my world broke off and floated away to make its own peaceful, quiet place. But now there are two unfinished pieces floating around in space, searching for the other in vain. But there is no turning back now.
her pupil’s an island lost in a sea of hopelessness.
They didn’t know that the saddest girl in the world was passing them at that very moment.
I gust of wind blows
This is really well written !! It's amazing, and made me feel really really sad. You've really managed to wind strong emotions through the story. It's really sad though, its... wow.
There's no real problems with grammar, etc, as far as I can tell 
Just one little comment is that you could try to embed the italized part more into the story, to make it clearer what it is.
XxxDo
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