Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
You should be mine.
I watch you laugh and talk and smile with others
In your world all is good and fair
Love is a game to you, and to be perfectly honest
It is for me as well
---
A well-timed wink
That extra bit of flirtatiousness in the smile
Texting first is critical
To get that upperhand
Playing you is fun- I haven't done this in awhile
---
I had you wrapped around my little finger
When I called, you came
But now you're with her
She treats you like an equal
She fucked up my game
---
What the hell were you thinking
Leaving me for her
Those are the words my mouth forms
But deep down I know I am at fault
---
I laughed at you and taunted you
You were always my punching bag
I thought you were stronger than me
But it turns out I was wrong
--
Because now I am dead
I died last night
Bled out on the floor
But babe I'm back to haunt you
Now and forevermore
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,561 Reviews
Hmmm.. this was interesting...
Hi
First off, I gotta say that if you're going to use punctuation, then use it all the way! Commas without periods makes me feel like this is all one long run on sentence and I don't like that, nor do I like the way it reads. There are also some lines that ask a question, but don't end in a question mark. Consider adding those in.
Moving on, I did like the message this got across, and the tale it told. I am confused at the gender of the narrator. I assume it's a male because of the romantic love interest in a woman, but then she falls for another girl? Maybe the narrator is a girl too, and if so, then that's all good. Better, even, but clearing it up would be nice. x)
Overall, I liked this! I find it a bit sad that the narrator kills himself/herself in the end, and then expects to haunt the girl. Did the breakup hurt worse than stated? That part was no bueno. D: But other than that, this was good. You could've done better with adding in more imagery details and such, but overall, this was enjoyable and I liked it! ^^
The, and the love interest is male.
This is a response to Elle's review because for some reason, my computer wont post the reply in the response area.
Hi Elle thanx for the honest review!!
the 5th stanza, yes I can see that it was vaugue, now that u point it out.
It was supposed to mean she laughed and taunted him, and thats what drove him away in the first place.
In the 6th stanza, I'm glad you didnt see it coming! It was supposed to be jarring and unsettling and vague. The overarching Idea was penance, she was a bitch and got what she deserved, while "he" is happy and living his life, free from her. But the underlying idea was that the narrator finally, after watching her ex with another person, happy without her, realizes what she has become and what she has done, and it leads her to suicide, which is connotated by "bled out on the floor." Also, though the transition between the 5th & 6th stanzas was hard to follow, it was there.
"I thought you were stronger than me
But it turns out I was wrong
--
Because now I am dead"
Those 3 lines work together because it explains that the narrator tortured "him" because she thought that she could handle it, and she thought she needed to do it to make herself stronger. However, the whole subtext of the poem is that she hurt "him" so much that she realized that he was never really stronger than her, and she was hurting him for no reason, andthats what transitions into the suicide. Yeah, its alot more complicated than it seems
Thanx again!
~Bitter
Hi there!
OK. Jumping in. You've got a nice strong first line, hooked me in right away.
The first stanza gets readers interested, gets them questioning, gives the introduction for the whole thing, y'know? Yours did just that. It gave me a slight heartbreaky impression, so all the more interesting when the actual character of the first person comes out in your next stanzas.
I like how the second and third stanzas show 1st person as an almost antagonistic figure (I would have said dominatrix, but I'm not really fond of the connotations of that word). But then the fourth stanza comes in with a glance of guilt (deep down I know I am at fault). Nicely done. It made the character a little more human, more believable.
Now, what's the situation in the fifth stanza? She laughed at him and taunted him, right? When? Was it before the other 'she' comes in? Was it after? I know you're not supposed to give much detail since this is a poem and thus has very limited space, but this stanza throws me off balance a bit.
"I thought you were stronger than me."
This is a bit of a muddle. Did 1st person do all the things she did (teasing, taunting, whatever) because she knew 2nd person could handle it? How does she actually feel about 2nd person? Does she love him, or does she just see him as a toy that she doesn't want to share with anyone else?
It would give the poem more of an impact if you gave us insight on 1st person's emotions.
Okay. To the last stanza.
I didn't see it coming.
This part seems detached, and I don't see the cause/effect relation between the the fifth stanza and sixth.
It bothers me that this "I'm dead" thing doesn't have any relationship at all with the backstory. Was it a suicide? A murder?
The idea and the imagery is really nice though, and it's short enough and simple enough to be incredibly interesting.
I love the whole vengeance-as-a-ghost thing, and I like the poem in its overall. Bitter.
Elle.