Demon's Deal (Chapter 1, Maybe)

I like it. a lot! Of course, there's always the grammar mistakes EVERYONE makes
I first have to say i enjoy how the character is so much different from her father. Should i say she's anti-Christ? haha The dragon sounds really mysterious, i liked how you explained the voice. The ending was the best part, but I do have one question.... Does she die!? I really like Christine! can't wait for the next one! You really have a great potential story!

Hi! Pink here, as requested.
Let's get started, shall we?

“Are you sure you’ll be alright on your own? Memphis won’t be happy if I do, but I could stay until they show up-” This sentence sounds weird. Memphis? as in the city or a person? You don't to start off by confusing the reader, that's bad. :/



I held a single finger up in the air to silence my dad and smiled, trying my best to communicate “I’ll be fine” without saying anything. Luckily, even though I possessed inferior charades skills, he got the message and he wasn’t too happy about it.



“Are you positive?”



I nodded rapidly. My right hand was rested on one of my knees, ready to slap my forehead if he asked again.



He gave in. “Oh, all right. I guess it is only a half hour…” He slumped in disappointment, bringing him down to about my standing height, but still above my current kneeling-on-my-bed height. He shuffled out and gently pulled the door shut behind him. The room was mine again. I don't like this repetition of height. And I don't think you need to explain how he was still above her kneeling-height.



I flopped backwards onto my extremely unkempt bed. Usually Dad would have had a problem with the mess, but seeing as I had been trapped there for the last three days, the fact that it was muddled was only logical. I was enjoying it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m typically a fairly clean person, but it’s not every day that I get to wallow in my own filth. It was an interesting experience. Regardless, I really wanted to take a shower. Why/what does she feel about her mess that is an interesting experience? (sorry about my horrible wording) but try expanding some of the things that she says. Why? does she say the things she says, why does she keep her room unclean. In the beginning it's very important to build up your character so us readers know what kind of person this character is.



I held still and waited for Dad to leave the house. I listened. A door clicking shut. An engine starting. Gravel shifting under spinning car tires. Silence. Okay, he’s gone.



To bad by that point I had forgotten why I was waiting for him to leave. Must have been the painkillers. I kept lying there.



As the seconds sluggishly ticked by, I wondered if I would have been happier going to church with my dad. Shooting that thought down was the fastest thing that happened in my head that day. I didn’t want to listen to another preachy word coming out of that crotchety old priest’s mouth. Why? Two reasons.



One, his voice sounds like a chainsaw trying to hack a boulder in half. Not something I enjoy listening to for hours on end.



Two, no matter how hard I try, I cannot believe anything they say about God and the all those crazy miraculous things that happen in the Bible. It doesn’t make sense, at all. I don’t get how anyone manages to base their entire belief system off of the idea of a big person in the sky that controlled the whole universe. I don’t have anything against religious people, though- if it makes them happy, more power to them. But it’s not for me.



I think it’s hereditary. I got it from my mom. She couldn’t make sense of it either and told my dad she didn’t believe in God. One thing led to another, and bam, divorce.
Wow, I know religion can play a huge role, especially in marriage. Wonderful explanation, I was going to ask why she didn't believe in god but you already answered that.


I haven’t told Dad I’m on Mom’s side yet.



“And it looks to me like you’ll never get the chance to.”



I jolted straight into a seated position. I looked around. What the heck was that? I didn’t see anyone. I didn’t hear footsteps. As far as I could tell from my bed, I was alone. No need to put that in.



And now I’m going insane, I thought with a sigh. Perfect. Just perfect.
I noticed that a lot of your sentences end abruptly, try pasting some together so it eases the flow of your piece.
In this case, it works but in other sentences it becomes a bit difficult to read since we automatically stop when we see a period and then the flow gets all messed up. (But that could just be me...)


“Oh, but you’re not going insane.”



I jerked again. But this time it wasn’t in fear. I didn’t know what it was. Pure icy fear crept up my spine and froze my whole body into an ice sculpture. I could barely even breathe.
First you said it wasn't fear then stated in fear. You just contradicted yourself, remember things you've written before so you don't make simple mistakes like this one. :3



The voice came again. It was low (comma)and hissing and mysterious with a drop of sickeningly sweet honey, like a snake and a tiger and a bird all as one. A dragon’s voice. “I am here and I am real. Just as real as you are.”
Alright here, you said "A dragon's voice" and just left off with that, explain what in a dragon's voice. ex:
"It whispered again in a dragon's voice, "I am here and I am real, just as real as you are."
Sounds a little better right?


Without moving my head I glanced around the room wildly. “Where are you?” I asked, my voice hoarse and shaking. I couldn’t feel the pain in my jaw anymore—the fear overpowered it.
Don't repeat fear so often, we know she is scared. You don't even need to put that part in, just simply say " I couldn't feel the pain in my jaw anymore."
Sometimes, simplicity works best.



“No use looking for me,” It continued, half ignoring my question. “I can’t be seen. Although you may want to look around anyway, since this room is the last thing you’ll ever see.”



It made a strange, almost artificial serious (Do you mean series?) of sounds: click click shhh hiss click. There was a second of pause.

Then my brain started burning.
O.O


It burned and burned and burned and all I felt was burning and I thought I was going to die. I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t cry. The parts of my brain responsible for screaming and crying had gone up in smoke. All I could do was sit and let my brain smolder and know I was going to die.



It started spreading. The flame extended over my skull and my face and my neck. It stretched down my body, wrapping around my arms and my torso and my legs. My skin burned. My muscles burned. My bones burned. My body, my mind, my entire being and my entire world burned.



It stopped.



I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I was numb. But I was alive. I could see. I was still on my bed, still sitting up. I didn’t know how I was holding myself up. I felt like a ragdoll.



I smiled. I didn’t want to smile. I didn’t even try to smile. I tried to force a frown. The smiled stayed in place.



I wasn't in control of my body anymore. It was.



My head turned. My eyes drifted to the bedside table. Compared to my bed, it was all tidy and clean. Just a clock, an open box of GoGurts, a neat pile of emptied tubes, a pair of scissors I used to open them, a hairbrush, and a few assorted beanie babies. My gaze landed on the scissors. I smirked.
You don't need to state everything that was on her desk, just say there were scissors there because that's the only object she's going to use.



“That should do nicely.” The voice that came out was mine, but in the same silky, hissing manner It spoke with before.



On the outside, I began reaching across the bed for the scissors, a horrible, twisted grin plastered on my face.



On the inside, I was shaking in terror.



“Don’t worry,” It said, again through me. “This will be quick.”



Ohgodnoitsgoingtokillmenonononono.
I don't mind these, but this one is too long and it doesn't fit with the atomosphere. (excuse me but I don't know the literal term for having the words all together in one big word



My fingers wrapped around the handles of the scissors. I faltered before pulling it back, as if It was savoring the moment. I chuckled. A chuckle that only sounded wicked because I expected it too, but beneath that expectation there were all sorts of strange emotions- glee, excitement, relief.



“Goodbye, Christine.”

Binkatong wrote:(See bottom for important information before you read)

“Are you sure you’ll be alright on your own? Memphis won’t be happy if I do, but I could stay until they show up-” Starting with dialog...Remember, this isn't a movie. The audience cannot see what is going on. Think more like a playwright. Set the scene up a little.

I held a single finger up in the air to silence my dad and smiled, trying my best to communicate “I’ll be fine” without saying anything You don't need the second part, but if you truly can't live without it, reword it a little (a lot). . Luckily, even though I possessed inferior charades skills, he got the message. He wasn’t too happy about it.

“Are you positive?” said who? I could probably guess at it, but since this is the FIRST chapter. I don't know who's who, and who's where. There could be some third person coming in and saying that.

I nodded rapidly. My right hand was rested on one of my knees knee, ready to slap my forehead if he asked again An actual facepalm?.

He gave in. “Oh, all right. I guess it is only a half hour…” He slumped in disappointment, bringing him down to about my standing height, but still above my current kneeling-on-my-bed height You're implying that the character is standing, but then say that she's also kneeling.. He shuffled out and gently pulled the door shut behind him. The room was mine again.

I flopped backwards onto my extremely unkempt bed. Usually Dad would have had a problem with the mess, but seeing as I had been trapped there for the last three days, the fact that it was muddled was only logical. I was enjoying it. Don’t get me wrong So the narrator is directly speaking to us?, I’m typically a fairly clean person, but it’s not every day that I get to wallow in my own filth. It was an interesting experience. Regardless, I really wanted to take a shower.

I held still and waited for Dad to leave the house. I listened. A door clicking shut. An engine starting. Tense. Keep to the past tense. A door clicked shut. An engine started. etc. Gravel shifting under spinning car tires. Silence. Okay, he’s gone.

To too bad by that point I had forgotten why I was waiting for him to leave. Must have been the painkillers. I kept lying there.

As the seconds sluggishly ticked by, I wondered if I would have been happier going to church with my dad. Shooting that thought down was the fastest thing that happened in my head that day. I didn’t want to listen to another preachy word coming out of that crotchety old priest’s mouth. Why? Two reasons. It's either that we are or aren't there with you. If we aren't, say, ...crotchety old priest's mouth for two reasons...

One, his voice sounds like a chainsaw trying to hack a boulder in half. Not something I enjoy listening to for hours on end.

Two, no matter how hard I try, I cannot believe anything they say about God and the all those crazy miraculous things that happen in the Bible. It doesn’t make sense. At all. I don’t get how anyone manages to base their entire belief system off of the idea of a big person in the sky that controlled the whole universe. I don’t have anything against religious people, though- if it makes them happy, more power to them. But it’s not for me.

I think it’s hereditary. I got it from my mom. She couldn’t make sense of it either and told my dad she didn’t believe in God. One thing led to another, and bam, divorce. How did they even get married?

I haven’t told Dad I’m on Mom’s side yet.

“And it looks to me like you’ll never get the chance to.” Who is talking? Who is who talking to?

I jolted straight into a seated position. I looked around. What the heck was that? italics I didn’t see anyone. I didn’t hear footsteps. As far as I could tell from my bed, I was alone.

And now I’m going insane, I thought with a sigh. Perfect. Just perfect.

“Oh, but you’re not going insane.”

I jerked again. But this time it wasn’t in fear. I didn’t know what it was. Pure comma, unless you're describing the 'icy' and not the fear.icy fear crept up my spine but you said that it wasn't in fear. and froze my whole body into an ice sculpture. I could barely even breathe.

The voice came again. It was low and hissing and mysterious with a drop of sickeningly sweet honey, like a snake and a tiger and a bird all as one. A dragon’s voice How the heck did you get dragon from that? An educated person would probably guess Chimera. A Chinese person would probably (and only probably) say dragon.. “I am here and I am real. Just as real as you are.”

Without moving my head I glanced around the room wildly unbelievable, since you're wildly looking around. Try "My eyes darted wildly" or something.. “Where are you?” I asked, my voice hoarse and shaking. I couldn’t feel the pain in my jaw anymore—the fear overpowered it. instead of telling us why her jaw hurts in the little *** in the end. Describe that to us NOW or BEFORE. This is just some random little nick that you pulled out from the crevices of the Earth.

“No use looking for me,” is It its name? lowercase it if it's not It continued, half ignoring my question. “I can’t be seen. Although you may want to look around anyway, since this room is the last thing you’ll ever see.”

It made a strange, almost artificial serious serious sounds are very serious. Series.of sounds: click click shhh hiss click. There was a second of pause.
ThenIt would be better if "I felt my brain burn." or something along the lines of that.my brain started burning.

It burned and burned and burned and all I felt was burning and I thought I was going to die This is one of the most arbitrary sentences you have. You're just trying to force the feeling of burning onto the audience. Well, as a fellow audience member, I say, "I get it!" If you want to describe burning, describe it, not repetitively say, "It burns! It burns! Oh the humanity, it burns!". I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t cry. The parts of my brain responsible for screaming and crying had gone up in smoke Are you some neurosurgeon? How does this person even know this? Now, it could FEEL like that happened.. All I could do was sit and let my brain smolder and know I was going to die.

It started spreading. The flame extended over my skull and my face and my neck. It stretched down my body, wrapping around my arms and my torso and my legs. My skin burned. My muscles burned. My bones burned. My body, my mind, my entire being and my entire world burned. BURN! MUAHAHAHHAHA! Seriously, stop.

It stopped. thanks.

I couldn’t feel anything anymore. I was numb. But I was alive. I could see. I was still on my bed, still sitting up. I didn’t know how I was holding myself up. I felt like a ragdoll.

I smiled. I didn’t want to smile. it would be better if you say, "why am I smiling?"I didn’t even try to smile. I tried to force a frown. The smiled stayed in place.

I wasn't in control of my body anymore. It was.

My head turned. My eyes drifted to the bedside table. Compared to my bed, it was all tidy and clean. Just a clock, an open box of GoGurts, a neat pile of emptied tubes, a pair of scissors I used to open them, a hairbrush, and a few assorted beanie babies. My gaze landed on the scissors. I smirked.

“That should do nicely.” The voice that came out was mine, but in the same silky, hissing manner It spoke with before.

On the outside, I began reaching across the bed for the scissors, a horrible, twisted grin plastered on my face.

On the inside, I was shaking in terror.

“Don’t worry,” It said, again through me. “This will be quick.”

Ohgodnoitsgoingtokillmenonononono. supercalifragligiousespialidoscious. This doesn't represent 'quick thinking'. It's annoying to the reader. Get rid of it.

My fingers wrapped around the handles of the scissors. I faltered before pulling it back, as if It was savoring the moment. I chuckled. A chuckle that only sounded wicked because I expected it too, but beneath that expectation there were all sorts of strange emotions- glee, excitement, relief.

“Goodbye, Christine.”

~~~

(Alright, the reason why this is Maybe Chapter 1 is because there's either another chapter or a prologue before this. I'm not sure. I just didn't want to write and post that one because it's boring and this one is cooler. Obviously, you miss some pretty important information, so here's what you need to know:

• The main character's name is Christine
• She just came out of surgery for a very early caught case of salivary gland cancer, and is fine now except for the fact that she's still recovering from the surgery.
• Because of the surgery, her jaw hurts a ton, so she can't talk, has to take painkillers daily, and is on a practically liquid diet.

Hopefully that clears it up. This is my first story on here, so I hope you enjoy it! ^.^)

Hi Binkatong

Quick review today.

Overall, I found the beginning meandering, but I enjoyed the story much more when the plot kicked in. The writing is fluent and easy to read. If I could make two quick writing-related suggestions, firstly it needs another polish to catch those pesky tense changes which kept throwing me off, and secondly I wonder if more description would be helpful. There's essentially nothing visual in the entire story - I suppose we get a few bland descriptors like "unkempt", but that's it. I feel like this piece could become more engaging with more effective use of visual and sensory description.

The scene with the voice speaking to the protagonist seemingly out of nowhere feels generic. I've read about a thousand similar scenes and they all seem to run through the same tired sequence - the protagonist thinks they're hearing things or going mad, the voice claims to be real, etc. At this stage, I felt like I hadn't read anything new or exciting in this piece, and I probably wouldn't have read on if it weren't for a review.

I can pinpoint the place where the plot and the awesomeness both kick in:

Then my brain started burning.

Hi there!

First story eh? Well, I'll try to be nice

I held a single finger up in the air to silence my dad and smiled, trying my best to communicate “I’ll be fine” without saying anything.

He shuffled out and gently pulled the door shut behind him.

but seeing as I had been trapped there for the last three days

I held still

Okay, he’s gone.

To bad

A dragon’s voice.

“No use looking for me,” It continued, half ignoring my question.

Ohgodnoitsgoingtokillmenonononono.

The main character's name is Christine
She just came out of surgery for a very early caught case of salivary gland cancer, and is fine now except for the fact that she's still recovering from the surgery.
Because of the surgery, her jaw hurts a ton, so she can't talk, has to take painkillers daily, and is on a practically liquid diet.

ViVA wrote:Try to avoid starting a story with dialogue.

Hi there! This is my first review, so I’ll try my best.

“Are you sure you’ll be alright on your own? Memphis won’t be happy if I do, but I could stay until they show up-”

He slumped in disappointment, bringing him down to about my standing height, but still above my current kneeling-on-my-bed height.

To bad by that point I had forgotten why I was waiting for him to leave.

Two, no matter how hard I try, I cannot believe anything they say about God and the all those crazy miraculous things that happen in the Bible. It doesn’t make sense.

It made a strange, almost artificial serious of sounds