Wish

Greetings. And welcome.
*glances down at previous review*
*sighs*
As usual, I'll cut a strait to the case, loop around, have a picnic, and arrive at my point.

I am not one to shirk my duty, and so will review all poems with nothing less than the absolute truth, plus flattery. This poem is very special, and I want you to know that before lump my criticism upon it.

Like Rachel, I'm not a huge fan of the repetition of the word "wish". Even though I understand this is kinda sorta the topic of the poem, it's also my least favorite part, and made it really hard to focus on what you were actually saying throughout the piece. i'm sure there's a plethora of other words just begging to be used in your poem!

Here's a list of other words that pop up throughout the poem:

Sin and sinned
Ashes
Parade
The words "n" and "ur". These two were especially hard to digest, and kept inturrupting the flow of the poem.

I hope this helped, and I'm curious to see what you'll do with this poem. Don't give up!

Greetings. And welcome. Here’s a review just for you. (my 6th out of the 125 I’m aiming to do before the end of the year.
Honestly, there is only way I can describe this poem. Unconventional. But that’s not a bad thing I just gives the whole thing personality.

Just to get it out of the way, here are the few nitpicks I have.

1. You misspelt wishful in the first line
2. Later on you had a typo. “Though out of the ashes of my buring wish...” I think you intended to say burning.
3. In some places you need commas particularly around when you use “oh lord” and “oh god”.
4. I say I must agree with @RachelLeeAnn and @Nargles, you have overused the word wish. However I won’t go into that as the others have covered that in detail. I just wanted suggest some synonyms for wish you could use. Desire, aspiration, yearning, longing, craving, want, covet. They are all perfectly satisfactory substitutions and it will show your reader that you understand what wishing is and will also add variation so the reader is more tempted to read on.

Your informal tone gives your poem a connection with the reader. The use of text abbreviations with the second personal pronoun makes the reader feel like you are talking to them at a very intimate level. However if you choose to take this approach make sure you remain consistent. Several time you have you and your in full form rather than the abbreviations u and ur you use for most of the poem. The same for “and” but that is less important.

The whole poem, all 44 lines is just one long chain of words. No breaks. This can give the reader a big headache and makes your poem a bit dreary. It is off putting for a reader to look a poem and see no breaks. Try structuring it into verses. Structure is more important in poetry than most people think. You can use structure for impressive effect and it makes it look and feel neater and more purposefully. By choosing to use very informal language, your poem could already be seen as messy.

I like your use of language, but you could try spreading your wings and try some less common language to match your already unconventional poem. One line that stuck in my head was “A deadly and almost venomous kiss.” The contradiction here (isn’t deadly and venomous the same thing so how can a wish be one but only almost another) struck me as peculiar (in a good way of course ) but also makes me question the definition of death. Does that even make sense?

Happy Christmas and I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Veni

I really like this, much to my surprise. It has so much potential to define some of life's shady areas. I find it intriguing and some of your word plays and couplets really work but my favourite section is:
If cool winter were my wish

Then melting my winter

As a sultry summer comes ur wish...

Your language choices are superb but to advance further maybe try using slightly obscure choices to really get the reader thinking - such as 'magical' , it probably portrays your meaning, but an audience is consistently fed this word so replacing it may evoke more deliberation.

On the whole though, a really solid piece of work; I especially like the retrospective narration - 'I have', it adds an interesting dynamic.

Hey, I'm Nargles and firstly welcome to YWS, I hope your time here is a happy one filled with lots of fun, laughter and writing.

So, now that niceties are out of the way let's get down to business.
This poem has potential, but you need to actually be invensted in what you are writing and care about it for it to be good. I feel that here you have just written something, felt happy with it and left it how it was.
While, the premise and idea of this poem is really good, you need to take care in how it is written for it to truly hold it's own.
You need to watch the way it is written, unless you are writing a poem in text speak and such, you should have words written in the entirety, don't shorten 'you' to 'u' and so on and so forth.
As a reader it doesn't look good, and it comes across as you not really caring about the way is is written.

Now, RachelLeeAnn commented on the fact that you overused wish, you did.
I counted the use of wish and over variants of it 36 times. Your poem has 44 lines in it if I can count correctly.
You can still effectively get your message across without overusing the word wish, look at different ways in which you can say it. Like RachelLeeAnn said.

Punctuation is important and much be consistent. In poetry you don't have to use puncuation, but if you are going to then it must be consistent throughout the poem, unless there is some reason against it.
Also, you overuse the elipses (...), normally they are used to add emphasis, show are change over time, or a pause.

I know this probably seems rather harsh, and I do feel this has potential, but it's important to remember that writing of any kind is hard. It is something that you get better with the more you do it, so keep it up.

Well done and keep writing
Nargles xxx
P.S if you have any queries or questions or whatnot just P.M and I will do my best to answer them.

Hello

Let me start by saying that I think this poem has GREAT potential. I do think it needs some work, though.

Let's start with the grammatical side.
Try to remember that poor spelling/grammar can really turn readers away from your work.
"n" should be "and."
"u" should be "you"
"ur" should be the correct form of "your/you're"
"coz" should be "'cause."
There were several punctuation errors; if you'd like me to go through and correct them, just message me and I can send you that.
As for the poetic nature:
I feel like "wish" becomes a little overused. I understand that "wish" is the whole theme of the poem, but after too many uses, it starts to lose impact. Try looking up some synonyms for wish, and maybe you'll find some you like!

Again, this poem can be really, really good! I like your idea of "if wishing is a sin, then forgive me, I HAVE sinned." The overall theme is really nice, and I think with a little tweaking, this could amount to be a beautiful poem. If you have any questions of would like help with anything, feel free to message me and I'd be more than willing to work on this with you!

Keep at it!