Lacuna: "An unfilled space or interval; a gap"

Lacuna: “An unfilled space or interval; a gap”

When I was young, I strayed far from the usual confines of the seething mass of humanity that was my class. There seemed to be too much pressure to return the right nod, or the right handshake, or the right amount of eye contact. Books were much easier. As I learned about the world, my classmates learned how to interact within the world. The difference never mattered much to me when I was young.

Years later, as I entered high school, I experienced for the first time a stabbing sense of longing as I watched friends greet friends and new friendships forged in the context of casual conversations. It was as if everyone was dancing to a song that I could not hear with steps that everyone knew but me. I envied those people that could approach anyone with a soft smile and a casual greeting. I had a small group of close friends and ordinarily, that was enough. But that day I was struck with an incredible feeling of lostness as if something immense stood between myself and the rest of the world.

It is unavoidable, being lost, yet the majority of the population runs from it, tails metaphorically tucked between their legs and rabbit hearts beating fast-fast-faster with fear. I live in a world where I have choices heaped upon choices and each choice somehow plays a monumental role in how the world perceives me and I was so afraid of being lost in the sea of faces that I weighed each choice against our hearts and decided which parts of myself I could afford to snip away to better fit into the giant puzzle of humanity.

For that reason, I hid aspects of myself. My fervent passion for pens was tucked away into a space where only I could reach it. I learned to quickly smother any feelings of resentment, sadness, or anger under a thick layer of apathy. My questions about my own identity, about my gender and my sexual orientation and where I fit in the world, were left unanswered as I sought what seemed like a greater prize.

I was drawn to the hope of being less alone. As if the company of another soul could somehow lessen the wrongness that beats through my veins. It all came back to optimism. Or rather, given its name more commonly used in the everyday vernacular: hope. I hoped for so many things and born from that hope was wishes and born from wishes was a hardy human tenaciousness that knows no limits nor the definition of the phrase “to give up”. People laud this aspect of human nature, as if it gives some power over other living organisms. Certainly, there are many stories that fuel this energy, showcasing the young and the old and the in-between finding their way through the tremulous parts of life with much difficulty but finding their way to the top in the end.

But I was sick of reading them. The same human tenaciousness that is lauded in all the ‘feel-good’ stories one might find in the most current edition of Chicken Soup for the Soul, fueled a perfectionism that resulted in late nights and was eerily similar to an obsessive-compulsive disorder. I began to count steps, floor tiles, ceiling tiles, numbers, letters, anything to drown out the fear that ran rampant in my mind. The thirst for good grades and the praise of my fellow students grew disproportionately with my self-esteem, which only seemed to fall.

In my efforts to be more extroverted, which clashed horribly with my usually introverted self, I realized that the ease of human interaction that I was seeking was an unattainable goal. I had to face the facts. I was a young, socially awkward person with more questions than answers and a record-low self-esteem. The likelihood that I would be able to overcome that was slim and I would just have to make do with the abilities that I had in the social aspect of life. As I came to that conclusion, I also reached another. If I couldn’t be good at people, I might as well be good at school. I worked harder, bringing my grades up from a consistently As and Bs basis to almost always As. As the late nights continued to progress and I grew more and more exhausted, it kept getting harder and harder to reach the somewhat impossible goals I kept setting for myself. But I was still convinced that if I could put a little more effort into it, or a little more time, then I would eventually come out on top.

So I studied harder, tried to pay more attention in classes, spent longer poring over my textbooks and assignments, and prepped for tests days in advance. The praise I received from my parents and the sight of my GPA slowly creeping a notch higher convinced me that I was on the right path to success. I eventually realized that this life-style was strangling the life out of me. Several late night breakdowns and a tearful conversation with a faculty member put my goals and my actions in a much clearer light and I began to try to take steps to determine how I could balance my life in a healthy way. I am still struggling to find the proper balance between my work schedule and taking the time to take care of myself. There is still a constant voice in my mind that pushes me towards success at any cost, telling me that any goal in attainable if only I’ll work hard enough. The knowledge that I am not the only person who goes through this terrifies me.

Our society has bred a generation that has been told again and again that we are lazy and that if only we would work just a little bit harder, we might get somewhere in life. It terrifies me that there are students every day that I see in the hallway that have the same voice in their heads, whispering that they just need to try harder or they’re never going to be good enough. There comes in a time in life where every person has to learn that it’s okay to come to the realization that this task is too hard or that goal is completely unattainable, regardless of the work, time, or effort spent trying to reach it. As I move forward in the exploration of my life, I hope to continue to work against the screaming need for perfection and finally reach the place where I can be happy with my mind, my body, and my efforts.

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Points: 664
Reviews: 841

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Sun May 06, 2018 2:32 pm

Radrook wrote a review...

Thanks for sharing this a essay which expresses a strong dissatisfaction with society’s expectations.The writer shows an excellent command of the English Language although sometimes simpler expressions would have been preferable. I also liked the sincerity that is expressed in the essay. However, the essay makes statements that seem as concussions that the writer feels are general irrefutable truths. So it seems as if it is an effort to convince the reader that such conclusions are justified based on personal experience is being attempted.

The essay continually tells us that the speaker feels terrified when he sees others behaving as society expects them to behave. One thing that contributes to this, we are told, is an innate shyness which the speaker feels is permanent and unchangeable.

Then we are told that trying to change it proved an impossibility in his case and that based on that result striving to change the unchangeable is a waste of time. That is called a hasty conclusion based on insufficient evidence. It is considered fallacious reasoning and the professor with notice it immediately. Then society is criticized for urging people to strive for excellence. We are told that the speaker strove for it and decided it wasn’t worth the effort.

But this comes after telling us that the effort produced positive results. So what it comes across as the seeker’s inability to sustain an effort that brought success because of an inner mental turmoil over gender identity and sexual orientation.

In short, the speaker is describing what is called in psychiatric circles as psychological dissonance where ideas and feelings are not in harmony and the therefore generate a distracting debilitating stress which makes a sustained effort impossible because the mind is at war against itself. Since most people are not experiencing such a condition then the conclusion is flawed that a categorical imperative can be derived from this is not true.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Categorical_imperative

Condemning all efforts at excellence will come across to the teacher as mental laziness.
Neither are the assertions that such an effort is detrimental most of the time proven. It is based on the writer’s personal experience and nothing more.

suggestions

What struck me most about the essay is that it offers merely a personal opinion, an entirely subjective evaluation of the things experienced. The statements depend on the reader giving the writer’s terrified reactions the value of statistical support. Unfortunately such personal conclusions cannot be given that unqualified trust because they are the personal opinion of one person.

This essay seems like an attempt to convince the reader that the writer’s viewpoint should be believed. That places it into the persuasive Essay category which requires that supporting material be included in the form of unbiased statements from qualified persons in the field of Social Science, Anthropology, psychiatry or psychology prominent examples of its validity. Logic and relevant examples can also be used. Feeling terrified or feeling personally upset about an issue remains unconvincing. So as a teacher that is the main thing I would notice tyhat needs attention.

Supported facts and unsupported facts
https://aso-resources.une.edu.au/academ ... -evidence/

Supporting Material: For expository or Persuasive Essays

A categorical imperative cannot be derived from just one personal example.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Categorical_imperative

Without supporting evidence such as statistical studies from unbiased sources and expert testimony the writer’s assertions ort claims are personal opinions and nothing more. It is tantamount to saying

“I feel strongly about this so you should consider it irrefutable truth!”

Supported facts and unsupported facts
https://aso-resources.une.edu.au/academ ... -evidence/

Here is an excellent article on the proper use of supporting material:
http://libguides.lamar.edu/c.php?g=369207&p=2495265

Types of Essays
https://blog.udemy.com/types-of-essays/

Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

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Sun Apr 29, 2018 9:05 pm

Shady wrote a review...

Hey Biluata,

Shady here with a review for your essay. I know you said it was for a school essay that was due really soon (and that was a long time ago) so I'm assuming you've already turned it in -- but since this is still kicking around the Green Room I figured I'd go ahead and give it some feedback. Let's get started...

The first sentence starts off a bit odd. "Seething mass" isn't something I typically think about in terms of people. I mean I've been guilty of calling them "unwashed masses" or similar things but seething has a different picture in my mind. Not sure how to describe it but yeah. Maybe a different word choice?

As I learned about the world, my classmates learned how to interact within the world.

Ooh, this is really good. I really like this sentence. Well done!

It was as if everyone was dancing to a song that I could not hear with steps that everyone knew but me.

This is also really good. Your imagery is really strong and that's definitely a significant strength to this essay.

Our society has bred a generation that has been told again and again that we are lazy and that if only we would work just a little bit harder, we might get somewhere in life. It terrifies me that there are students every day that I see in the hallway that have the same voice in their heads, whispering that they just need to try harder or they’re never going to be good enough.

Oh my gosh, this. <3

~

Overall, this was an absolutely excellent essay. You had a good narrator voice throughout, and the way you describe feelings is something that I can definitely relate to. When I was in high school I very much focused on studying and pretending that I was happy not having friends, because I was so tired of not fitting in my whole life.

One concern I noticed was it wasn't super clear what your thesis statement was. I don't know if this was just a personal essay or what the prompt was at all, so I hope you met that -- but just judging it from merit alone as a stand-alone opinion piece I would say this is excellent. It breaks into a topic I think people should be discussing and uses nice word choices to say it. Well done!

Keep writing!

~Shady

Points: 1224
Reviews: 17

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Sat Apr 07, 2018 7:32 pm

scarlettvee wrote a review...

Hello!
I'm here to edit your essay for you, because I know what it's like to have to turn in writing to school. I'm going to go through grammar corrections first, and I'll try to find and point out as many of them as possible for you.

I experienced for the first time a stabbing sense of longing as I watched friends greet friends and new friendships forged in the context of casual conversations.

I don't think "forge" here needs the extra d on the end of it. Right now, if you took out "friends greet friends and" the sentence would read "I experienced for the first time a stabbing sense of longing as I watched new friendships forged in the context of casual conversation." And that doesn't flow right for me, so I think you're fine without the d on the end

It was as if everyone was dancing to a song that I could not hear with steps that everyone knew but me

make could not a contraction; couldn't. Also, add a comma after "hear" since the last part of the sentence talks about something slightly different

I had a small group of close friends and ordinarily, that was enough.

I understand what you mean here with your use of "ordinarily" and perhaps this is just me being too nitpicky, but I think usually would work better in it's place. I know ordinarily is a synonym for usually, but the first thought that came to my mind when I read the word was not unique, which threw me off a little bit

It is unavoidable, being lost, yet the majority of the population runs from it, tails metaphorically tucked between their legs and rabbit hearts beating fast-fast-faster with fear.

I would advise that you change the beginning of this sentence to this instead

Being lost is unavoidable, yet the majority of the population runs...

It flows better for me like this

I live in a world where I have choices heaped upon choices and each choice somehow plays a monumental role in how the world perceives me and I was so afraid of being lost in the sea of faces that I weighed each choice against our hearts and decided which parts of myself I could afford to snip away to better fit into the giant puzzle of humanity.

This is a very long sentence and it was kind of hard to follow for that reason. I would recommend that you break this up into two or maybe even three sentences. For instance, you could probably end the sentence after "perceives me" and start a new one with "I was so afraid." You don't have to end it there though, that's just a suggestion.

I was drawn to the hope of being less alone. As if the company of another soul could somehow lessen the wrongness that beats through my veins.

Make this one sentence with a semicolon after "alone" (a comma would also maybe work if you would rather do that)

I was drawn to the hope of being less alone; as if the company of another soul could somehow lessen the wrongness that beats through my veins.

I hoped for so many things and born from that hope was wishes and born from wishes...

It should be "born from that hope were wishes" instead of was

The same human tenaciousness that is lauded in all the ‘feel-good’ stories one might find in the most current edition of Chicken Soup for the Soul, fueled a perfectionism that resulted in late nights and was eerily similar to an obsessive-compulsive disorder

There shouldn't be any comma after "soul"

There is still a constant voice in my mind that pushes me towards success at any cost, telling me that any goal in attainable if only I’ll work hard enough.

The wording of this sentence was a little weird, and I think it would work better if you said

There is still a constant voice in my mind that pushes me towards success at any cost, telling me that any goal in attainable if I only work hard enough.

In all seriousness though, this essay is really good. Like amazingly good. I related to this so much as I was reading through it. I haven't had to go through anything as bad as you, but I have always had that voice inside my head telling me that I'm not good enough. This is an incredibly realistic essay, it has a great message, and it was written beautifully. I can really tell that it came from you heart. And I'm not just saying this either. I really mean it. This is definitely one of the best pieces of writing I have read so far on this website. You really wrote your heart out. Great job on this essay, and keep up the good work. I'm sure you'll get a good grade on this essay when you turn it in

Until next time,
K.S. Valentine

Biluata says...

Thank you much! Your comments were very helpful!

Young Writers Society

Lacuna: "An unfilled space or interval; a gap"

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