Thank you all so so so much! You've been extremely helpful!
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Chapter Three
“Where is she?” Uncle Steven yelled as he walked out the front door. He spotted Aly and Zek walking closer to the cabin. His bright red face and messy black hair frightened Aly for a second. She froze and bit her lip, uncertain of what she should do.
“Aly Marie Stowe, where have you been?” he roared and bounded off to her. Aly wanted to run away as fast as she could. She knew that when Uncle Steven got angry, it usually ended up in a beating with the yardstick.
“Zek and I just went for a walk!” Aly lied as he approached her all too quickly.
“Your aunt and I have been looking for you for hours! Aly, tell us before you leave! You don’t know what sort of a man might take you to his house and kill you! Aly, it’s not safe out there!”
This struck Aly at an unusual chord. “What do you mean?” she asked.
“Just come inside. Clair needs you to try on your new dress before school,” he muttered and yanked Aly’s arm. He dragged her to the house, and inside it, through the door that was wide open. Auntie Clair had her hands on her hips and a scowl on her beautiful face. Aly felt ashamed for lying to her aunt and uncle. But then again, if she had told them where she really was, she would be in for it.
Uncle Steven and Auntie Clair strongly disapproved of the Rats. They knew they were up to no good, hurting people and terrorizing the town with their mischief. So, of course, Aly was permantatly banned from even coming close to the canal, where the Rats were always out and about. And, of course, Aly’s curiosity was too strong to hide inside, so when Zek had run off into the canal, Aly was naturally curious as to what the Rats really did.
“Aly, what have I told you about running around town in the morning?” Clair asked, her hands firmly placed on her hips. Aly dared not to look in her cold, gray eyes.
“I’m sorry, mum,” she replied, looking at the clean, wooden floors.
“An apology isn’t good enough. You know better than that, Aly. You scared me and your uncle half to death! I thought for a moment that I had lost me own niece. And just the thought of that is—” she never completed her sentence. Instead, she handed Aly a newly pressed dress. It wasn’t old and ragged, like the current one she had right now. It didn’t have mud spots on it. It didn’t contain any holes, rips or shreds. To Aly, it seemed forbidden.
“Do I have to?” Aly complained, taking the dress from her aunt.
“No, you must. It’s your birthday, Aly, and this is your birthday present. Your uncle has been working as hard as he possibly could to buy you that dress, and by God you will wear it!”
“But Auntie Clair!” Aly protested, her face boiling.
“No! Either wear it or go to school nude.” She ended the argument and turned her back to Aly as she grumpily changed into the new, scratchy dress. Auntie Clair was buttering a piece of toast for Aly’s birthday breakfast before school began. When Aly had finished clambering into the new dress, she handed her the toast.
“Hurry and eat up. We’re going to be late,” Auntie Clair muttered as she twiddled with her hair, watching Aly eat.
-
Percy wasn’t at class that day, which made Aly feel extremely sad. Her love for him grew weaker. Maybe he didn’t want to face her after they had kissed? Could that be the reason? Aly didn’t know. At the beginning of the school day, Aly had searched desperately through her classmates, but couldn’t find Percy. When Auntie Clair had let them into the one-roomed schoolhouse, Aly took her seat on her wooden bench that she shared with four other girls.
“That’s a nice dress, Aly,” Laura, the girl sitting directly next to her, whispered as the class was shuffling in. Aly ignored her and turned her attention to another boy in the class. It was Marvin, from the Rats. Aly tried to gain his attention, and right before Auntie Clair walked up the front of the room, she did so.
“Where’s Percy?” she asked. Marvin shrugged, and Auntie Clair began talking.
“Welcome to class everyone. I hope you had a good weekend,” she said politely.
“We did, Mrs. Stowe,” the class recited back.
“That’s good to hear,” she said. “Everyone, pull out your slate and let us begin with mathematics.”
They practiced the maths for quite a while. Aly had never been good at school. As hard as she tried, as hard as everyone attempted to help her understand, she couldn’t do it. Auntie Clair tried to teach her again and again, but she rarely ever succeeded the subject.
After the mathematics lesson was over, Auntie Clair was writing something on her chalkboard in the front of her classroom. Aly struggled to read what it said. All of the letters of her aunt’s handwriting was curved, making it harder to read.
Discussion: Political Insights
The words meant nothing to Aly at the moment. Some of the older children in the class nodded as if they understood what those three words meant.
When Auntie Clair had finished writing on the board, she dusted her chalky hands off and turned back to the class.
“We all know of the things that have been occurring throughout England. I would very much like to attempt to help all of you gain some insights on what is really happening. To do that, I think we must share what we know, what to know, and things we can do to help each other.”
What? What was Auntie Clair lecturing about?
“As we all know, Lord Isaac came to power eleven years ago. As we also all know, the English society has been down plunging since then. Famines. Wars. Death. All of these things have been occurring throughout these eleven years. What do you think about all of this, Walter?”
Walter, a thirteen-year-old boy in the back of the classroom blinked his eyes and shrugged.
“I s’ppose it means that England’ll keep getting worse,” he answered, avoiding Auntie Clair’s eyes.
“Interesting,” she replied. She called on a girl this time.
Linda, the girl chosen, spoke up.
“I think it means that there is going to be a lot more wars, like Walter said, Mrs. Stowe. I don’t think it’s going to get better for a long time, or at least until Lord Isaac is dead.”
Auntie Clair nodded. “So, how is England going to support itself if we are on the last limbs of the country?”
No one in the classroom spoke.
“I think, before we answer that question, we have to go back in time a little bit,” Auntie Clair said. “Imagine that it was thirty years ago. 1773. That’s when Lord Isaac was born. His name is Elias Isaac. He wasn’t born into the Royalty, like all of our other kings and queens. No. He was born of peasants and villagers, much like ourselves. Imagine that one of us in this classroom would grow up to rule England as a king, or a lord.”
The class nodded. Aly tried to keep track of the conversation. She, from a very young age, said that she always wanted to be a princess. Being a princess would mean she would be beautiful, lovely and marry a handsome prince.
“He became a part of Parliament. After that, in 1792, Judge Isaac (for he was a Judge back then) assassinated the Prime Minister of England, or so the story goes. Lord Isaac has admitted that he killed the Prime Minister, after he took power of England.
“Can someone tell me what kind of a ruler Lord Isaac is?” Auntie Clair asked the class. Laura, the girl sitting next to Aly, raised her hand.
“It’s a dictatorship,” she replied.
“Exactly!” Auntie Clair spoke, excitedly. “We are under the power of a dictator. Can someone please explain to the class what that means?”
“Doesn’t it mean,” Laura said, “that he can do whatever he wants without going to jail, or being taken out of office?”
“Close,” Auntie Clair replied. “It means that he sends his ideas to Parliament, and they either say ‘yes’ or ‘no’. Everything should be working smoothly, correct?”
The class stared at her, unsure of what to say.
“You’d think it would work smoothly,” Laura said. “If the politicians realize what Lord Isaac is doing, then they should be able to stop him.”
“You’re getting there,” Auntie Clair stated, giving Laura a smile. “There’s only one problem. One huge problem that determines whether Lord Isaac dictates or rules. Parliament. There’s a huge problem with the Parliament we have right now. Can anyone take a guess as to what that problem is?"
Laura raised her hand.
“Anyone besides Laura?”
The class stared blankly back at Auntie Clair. She sighed and pointed to Laura.
“My mother told me Lord Isaac chose all of the men that are currently in Parliament. That means that he picked his friends. Men he knew would allow him to do whatever he wanted to. That means that the whole government is corrupted, all because of Lord Isaac and his comrades.”
“Interesting word of choice, Laura,” Auntie Clair said. “Comrades. So, you are suggesting that Lord Isaac has all of this already figured out? Do you think he has reasons to his actions? Or is he just a man corrupted with power, greed, and fame?”
“I think so, yes,” Laura replied.
“Interesting. Are there any other opinions? Aly, what about you?”
Aly gulped and dodged Auntie Clair’s eyes. “I don’t know. Why can’t other important people kill Lord Isaac and get it all done with?”
“Because he’s too heavily secured. No one can touch him. He and his comrades have all of this planned.”
“Is there any way that we can kill him?” another boy asked from the back of the classroom.
“I don’t think so,” Auntie Clair replied, playing with her fingers. “Not unless England fights back. One entire nation against a few men. It sounds unfair, right? But the advantage is on our side.”
“So,” Laura said, “you’re talking about a rebellion?”
“More than that!” Auntie Clair said. “A civil war. Everything is leading up to one right now. There are already rebellions throughout the country. North Bristol, to this day, is forming a militia. Can anyone tell me what a militia is?”
“It’s like a community army,” Laura replied.
“Yes. That’s exactly what it is. Now, if all of these militias get together, then we have a very large army, am I correct?”
Laura nodded. “Yes, I suppose so.”
“That’s what’s happing right now in England. Militias are forming around the country. Militias are combining to form larger and larger armies. That’s what’s happening. England is fighting from the inside out.”
“What about East Bristol?” Aly asked.
“What about it?”
“Does East Bristol have a militia?”
Auntie Clair licked her lips and folded her arms across her chest. “Not yet, we don’t. But we will soon enough, I fear. Lord Isaac has sent a decree throughout England. Does anyone know what the decree is?”
No one knew.
“It’s telling the country that if any rebellions are formed, the Loyalists (much like the Loyalists from America) are allowed to attack and kill everyone in them. So it’s a great risk forming a rebellion, or even a militia for that matter. Our lives are in danger. If we don’t do something quickly, England could fall apart. You children are the new generation. All of you in this classroom are going to be responsible citizens of England. You are the ones that will be fighting Lord Isaac. Maybe not physically, but through the things that you do, I know that we can all take him down.”
-
Lots of history and politics in this one. Sorry. I had to dump all this info on you somehow.
-Jared
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi, Baer Boy! =D
Snort.
Grammar and First Impressions
Don't address her all the time. It's obvious he's talking to Aly unless he decides to talk to Zek. xD
I think it would be really funny if Uncle was just all, "Just come inside. Clair wants to frilly you up or something..." and seem to not understand girl stuff. That would be cool. xD
This seems useless. I feel like I should understand this, but I don't. It doesn't make any sense?
I need more description. All you've given me is Clair standing their with her fists on her hips, glowering at Aly. Give me some arm movements, some exasperation, some...thing. And she just handed the dress to Aly. That seems kind of nice considering her fury. Maybe shove it into Aly's arms or just throw it at Aly.
And then the forbidden dress. That's a really cute touch. xD It just makes me question her tomboy-ish ways again, so watch out for that. ^_^
She's changing by the front door? xD
Ooh, the schoolhouse and wooden bench things are fantastic. Good description. That tells the reader a lot. ^^
How did her love for him grow weaker? That didn't make any sense. She seemed to be searching for him like her love for him grew. Maybe she was just afraid of their relationship now, but I don't think her love grew weaker at all.
Eh. That's very robotic for an unusual answer. The usual Good morning, Mrs. Stowe would be fine. Even some of my classes do that just to be silly but yeah. I wouldn't do this at all. Make it more scattered of Yup, Sure did!, Nope, it stunk like my gramma's chili.
Clair's quotes here as the teacher seem so robotic compared to home. Is that supposed to happen? >< She went from angry mother to stereotypical teacher. That's a little awkward. xD
Hmm... I think it would be better to show us this. It's a perfect opportunity to show the reader that Aly really is street smart but not book smart. Show us some of the lesson. Aly can even interact with some of the kids. That would be fantastic. ^^
Ooer, what are the ages roughly? You may have pointed this out in the previous chapter, but this is a good point to remind the reader. Explain why some of the kids understood it (probably because they had __ years of experience).
Snort! Awesome. ^^
Nah, the girl chosen slows this down. Try something simpler. Linda looked up at Claire, her eyes lit with eagerness. Sentence is epic fail so don't use it, but you get the idea hopefully. Make the reader assume that it's Linda without telling us straight out. If Clair pointed at someone to speak, what does that person do? They might have their hand raised or they might take a deep breath, ready to explain all they know/think, or they might cringe, afraid to speak. Depends on the character. ^^
I think that's kind of a big jump for Clair. Very opinionated... but maybe that didn't matter around this time.
That doesn't exactly answer the question. Just by the way. xD The government is a dictatorship and the ruler is a dictator. Maybe Clair should point that out or some snotty student.
Mm, there it is. I still think it would be awesome if a know-it-all corrected Laura or something. xD
ZOMG. Read Harry Potter. Study Hermione Granger. This is sooo epic. What kind of description does Rowling use to describe Granger's eagerness to use her knowledge? Laura was such a cut-out until you started this. Fantastic! I'm so excited. Really flesh this kid out. Make kids groan or roll their eyes. Have Aly hide her face or blush from embarrassment. There's so much you can do.
LOL.
This is just like this:
"Jerry, do you want vanilla or chocolate ice cream?"
"...Yes."
Gah, no! Description! This is an awesome opportunity. Does Clair look like she's picking on Aly? Describe Aly's thoughts. Make her hesitate and fidget more. Her aunt called on her. Or... maybe Aly's just used to this. If so, have her groan, roll her eyes, and give a answer full of um's and 'somethings' and 'whatevers'. Like me. xD
Was Clair happy to answer Aly, or was Aly's question stupid and obvious to answer?
Maybe Aly should be thankful that she doesn't have the spotlight anymore, or she could be happy that other people agree with her question and continue to ask other questions to get the answer to Aly's question.
Wait, is Clair uneasy now? Give me more. Have her pace or let her eyes wander. Do something with her. A heavy silence is cool too. Cliche but cool. ^_^
This is terribly opinionated. Have some parents disagree with the teacher and yell at her for giving stupid ideas to their kid. xD I feel like Clair should be eager to explain her opinions too.
Harry Potter...
A class discussion. This was good in that we got to know some of the classmates. Actually, only one. Laura was pretty cool. You just gotta give her more umpf. Think of Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley. Hermione can be Laura; Aly can be Ron. (Exclude the romance.) Hermione is jumping in her seat just to say the answer while Ron is ducking his head and turning into a cherry, trying to avoid the teacher at all costs. Hermione's language is clear, concise, and right out of the textbook. Ron's speech is completely clueless, filled with those filler words I pointed out earlier, and just complete crap in hopes that he'll get out of the spotlight quick.
The rest of your class is a bunch of Lavender Browns and...what's-her-faces. I don't know them well enough. I just have some names. Tiny motions and expressions will tell a lot about a character. You gotta include some of that stuff. What does Neville Longbottom do ('cause he's always nervous)? What does Draco Malfoy do ('cause he's stuck-up and snotty)? Take these characters'... characteristics (><) and match them with your characters. You can take switch them up a bit so you're not, like... stealing them from Rowling, but just the basic outline of the characters.
*knows you like Harry Potter*
London Bridge Is Falling Down
Now, the political discussion. It's a discussion, but it's highly opinionated by the teacher. Clair is only too eager to give her consent, so you should make her look like that. Have her hopping on her heels, running around the room, widen her eyes, have her smiling, have her--everything. Give her everything so she looks as eager as she seems to sound (excluding a few chosen quotes). Make her look like she loves her job. (Or the opposite, but then you gotta work the backwards route. XD)
I think this is an excellent way to shoot some information to the reader, in my opinion. However, I think it's too early. We don't know any of the kids. We barely know Marvin, and we're starting to flesh out Laura. I think if Aly met some of the kids earlier. Maybe Clair is friends with one (or more) of the girls' mom(s) so the kid was over at the house for a while with their mom. Get creative. ^^
I find it really interesting that you placed it after the American Revolution. I love how you included a piece of that at the end when you mentioned the Loyalists. I wanted to hug you. That was epic. xD Just be careful not to bore the reader with dates and stuff. The discussion added more umpf to the info-dump, but I think Clair should be more animated. Then again, she's not terribly animated at home either. XD So maybe some of the older kids should have some fun. Have them crack jokes or shoot spitballs at someone. Have fun. This is a classroom, and you go to school every freaking day of your life. You know what kids can do. xD
Overall, I'm Thinking...
This part could use more work than the last part. Writers get impatient and just info-dump like mad. (Why can't the reader just know this stuff so I can get on with the good part?!) I understand you. ^^ We gotta exercise our patience, though. We need to flesh out the paragraphs. Insert tons of descriptions (make Andy happy, in other words, if that helps you any
That's a long conclusion. Sorry. xD
Questions, find me. Blah blah.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Actually, all of this information is incredibly important, later down the road.
-Jared
Round 3 little Teddiursa.
Create more descriptions to make it seem as though there is a threat out there in the community : E.g: Night watches, warning signs/posters etc.
It has only been a very short period of time though. Why state the fact that her feelings for Percy wasn't as strong as the other day so blatantly as though its very important? If it is for a long period of time, then I would have accepted it.
Overall impressions:
Nothing really much happened in this chapter that actually helped to drive the narrative forward. The first half is rather bland. This is because of Aly's relationship with her family. The interaction between them is too simple and one sided. It's like one of those children's cartoons (such as Looney Toons) that blatantly state an object, event, idea or feeling so that children will be able to understand the messages and themes its conveying. I assume that your target audience is for the adolescence group so you would need to make the relationship more complex. Do we really need our hands held just for a dress?
The school section was just useless with all that history and political jazz. Why would we need to read that? How does it progress the story forward? Will it be useful later on? This is fantasy, not history and politcs 101.
More descriptions are also needed to make it feel as though there is a sense of danger in the community. I didn't really get the sense that they were in danger, it seems pretty calm and peaceful to me.
Hope this helped.
Andy.