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Young Writers Society



StoweAway #3

by BigBadBear


Here's part three, if you are still interested... Thanks for reading!

Of Terror and War

3

Dark, gray smoke billowed into the cloudy sky as Aly and Zek made their way towards the canal. They both walked in silence. Zek would occasionally glance up towards Aly, but the girl made no attempt to converse with her.

The canal was located just east of a factory. The building would periodically send dark smoke raising into the sky, hence the smoke that day. The canal was also home to a group of boys named the Rats. They were poor town boys who met every day to make war with the Dogs, another group of boys.

But, however, this day Aly and Zek found themselves alone. The swishing and calming sound of the canal rushing downward made everything seem peaceful. A thick forest on the east side, giving Aly and Zek a perfect hiding spot to get away from the world, surrounded the channel. Aly sat down on a nearby stump.

Zek curled up around Aly’s feet and sent her calming emotions and Aly sighed.

“I still can’t believe that Uncle Steven would do that to me. I mean, Zek, I have never seen him shout like that in my life,” Aly muttered, looking into the water rushing past her. Zek rubbed her face on Aly’s exposed leg, purring.

“He wasn’t nearly as mad as a few days ago when he had to pay. Why would he do this?”

Zek continued to rub herself on Aly’s leg. The girl smiled and looked down to the snow leopard. Her black-spotted, snow-white fur made it irresistible to hug. Aly sighed and knelt down by Zek.

“I love you, Zek. I love you so much.” She wrapper her arms around Zek and the snow leopard purred loudly. Aly embraced her best friend for as long as she could, wanting to never let go. Tears streamed down Aly's face, wetting Zek's beautiful fur.

Zek sent warm and loving feelings to her friend and Aly accepted them gratefully. They lay there for a few more moments, Aly grasping onto her fur. The water continued to run down the canal, giving both of the girls the most peaceful feeling that they would feel in a long time.

Suddenly, Aly felt another kind of emotion entering her mind. She looked down at Zek. “What’s wrong?”

Zek shook her head, her fur bouncing. Aly felt curiosity and she looked around.

“Who’s there?” she asked quietly. It wasn’t normal to feel emotions from other animals. Why was she picking up emotions from something other than Zek?

Just then, a raven flew down from a tall tree, spreading its wings and chirping loudly.

Aly stood up and backed away, wide eyed. Zek also joined her, watching the bird’s every moves.

“What do you want?” Aly addressed the raven hotly. Zek growled in her throat and Aly placed her hand on her back.

The child was suddenly overwhelmed with feelings. She gasped and clapped her hands on her head. “Stop! Stop, stop, stop!” she cried.

The bird instantly obeyed and looked curiously at the girl. Aly regained her composure and said, “What does that mean?”

The bird chirped and sent more emotions into Aly’s mind slowly. The girl could feel terror, war and murders. What was going on?

She looked at Zek and asked, “What’s going on?” Aly received no answer.

The bird chirped louder and sent images to Aly. It was then that she finally understood what was going on. In the images that she obtained, Aly could make out an army. They were in the grasslands, red cloths wrapped around their left arms.

“Soldiers!” she whispered and looked at the raven. “What’s going on? Where did you see these soldiers?”

The bird sent more mental pictures of the army. Only this time they were fighting. There were guns, weapons of war.

“Where are they? Are they coming here? Why would they want to come to East Bristol?”

Many questions swarmed in Aly’s head. Why would Lord Isaac want to come to East Bristol? There was nothing for him here. Nothing. Unless… unless he was coming here to find slaves. Aly shuddered that thought away.

“Raven, where are they?” Aly asked again. She was answered by more mental pictures of the soldiers marching on and on… until they reached the gates of North Bristol.

“Zek! We need to tell someone about this! The soldiers are coming! Come on! We need to tell someone!”

Zek looked at Aly then back at the Raven. She growled in her throat.

“Raven, I need you to fly up ahead and tell me where they are. Is that all right? We need to tell someone! Hurry!” Aly turned around and ran off towards the factory building.

Zek continued to look at the Raven. She growled again and then bounded off towards her friend. The bird took off into the skies.

*

“What? What is it, Zek?” Aly questioned. Zek kept flooding her with emotions of betrayal.

“What’s wrong? Who’s going to betray us?” she asked, bending down to embrace Zek.

She received a mental picture of the Raven. “Zek! The Raven isn’t going to abandon us. I promise. C’mon, we have to tell the factory workers about the soldiers.”

Once again, Aly stood up and ran towards the large building. Zek followed hesitantly behind her. When they reached the tall wooden doors, Aly pounded on them with all of her strength, yelling, “Sir! Sir! Someone, please open the doors!”

Zek caught up to her and growled as loud as she could. Aly looked startled.

“What is it?”

There was a chirp and Aly looked up. The Raven was flying overhead and started to send Aly pictures again. The soldiers were breaking down the North Bristol gate.

“Keep in contact with me!” Aly shouted to the Raven. The bird squawked and Aly pounded on the door again – but her hand never hit the hard wood.

She gasped and pulled back. There was a man standing in the doorway. His face was rough and he had a white, powdery substance covering his face, much like flour.

“Sir! Oh, thank heavens, sir! I just found out that Lord Isaac’s soldiers are going into North Bristol! Sir, we need to do something!”

The man stared at her. He was rather large and his clothes were droopy, giving him the sense of someone that Aly wouldn’t like to be alone with.

“Who told you this?” the man growled.

“A… a… a raven did, sir.”

“How old are you, little girl?”

“I’m nine, sir.”

The man looked over at Zek. “Who’s that?”

“That’s Zekyll, my friend. Well, actually she’s my Uncle Steven’s pet, but he lets me play with her.” Zek slipped herself between Aly’s arm and her waist, purring.

“Sir, there is a large amount of soldiers coming. And they are breaking into North Bristol. Please, sir, we have to do something!”

“Go home. No one wants to listen to a bloody little girl.” The gruff man slammed the door on them, leaving Aly and Zek absolutely stunned.

“What? Sir! Sir, please!” Aly pleaded but the door never opened again.

She looked at Zek. “What now? Who are we going to tell?” Zek replied with an image of Uncle Steven and Auntie Clair.

“But they won’t believe me! They never do!” Aly complained.

Zek growled. “But, Zek, they’re coming! The soldiers are going to kill everyone unless we have all of the army people come out and fight! Where are the army people?”

Zek shook her head. She looked up into the cloudy sky and sniffed. Zek sent images of rain falling.

“No! It can’t rain now!” Aly cried, looking into the sky. “And where is that bloody bird?”

Zek growled again and sent betrayal into Aly’s mind. She shook it away.

“Raven hasn’t betrayed us. Zek, why are you always thinking negatively? I promise that she… hasn’t…” Aly’s voice wasn’t so sure.

Zek growled and smelled rain once more. When Aly received the notion she nodded.

“Fine. We’ll go back home and tell Uncle Steven and Auntie Clair about it. I really hope they believe us,” Aly said and looked at Zek. “What if you’re right about the bird? I mean, why would a Raven of all animals betray us? Why would it even do something like that?”

Zek and Aly quickly walked home, just past the market place and the dairy farm. All the way home they were arguing if the Raven either had told them a lie about the army, or if it was telling the truth.

“If we don’t hear from that bird soon, I’ll believe you. Let’s just tell Uncle Steven and Auntie Clair about this first, okay?”

The snow leopard agreed.

*

Thanks again for reading!

BBB


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Points: 1823
Reviews: 665

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Thu Feb 21, 2008 4:20 pm
deleted6 wrote a review...



Chapter three, firstly I agree with Razor, pronouns are you're friend. Learn to use them :P. Now to nitty gritty:

The canal was located just east of a factory. The building would periodically send dark smoke raising into the sky, hence the smoke that day. The canal was also home to a group of boys named the Rats. They were poor town boys who met every day to make war with the Dogs, another group of boys.

But, however, this day Aly and Zek found themselves alone. The swishing and calming sound of the canal rushing downward made everything seem peaceful. A thick forest on the east side, giving Aly and Zek a perfect hiding spot to get away from the world, surrounded the channel. Aly sat down on a nearby stump.


That was bit too much of an info-dump and why do we need to know about the Rats? If so show don't tell. Showing is more effective than telling. You need to seriously use pronouns as repeating names non-stop is a bit repeative.

Overall a quite weak chapter and could be written so much better with more detail and description.

Good luck
VSN




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Points: 6400
Reviews: 497

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Thu Feb 21, 2008 6:03 am
Teague wrote a review...



Woot! Parte Tres! Don't ask why I'm randomly using Spanish because I understand it less than you do.

She wrapper her arms around Zek and the snow leopard purred loudly.

Wasn't she already purring? Isn't that kind of redundant? =P

And shouldn't it be "wrapped?"

wanting to never let go.

This is phrased slightly awkwardly -- try "never wanting to let go" or something to that effect.

P.S. Pronouns are your friend. ;)

, watching the bird’s every moves

"Moves" should be singular, thanks to subject-verb agreement. =D

Aly received no answer.

Maybe this should be its own paragraph, for effect?

P.S. I like the symbolism of the raven.

Hmm... this part's kind of short and blunt. That's really the only flaw I can see here... it starts off just fine, but towards the end you lose... something. Maybe fleshing this bit out a bit would help?

PM me when you have Part 4 up. ^^

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:





He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.
— Fredrich Nietzche (Philosopher)