This is way too late for any excuse. xD
About an hour after he’d first displayed to Darian that he could use magic
I thought Nendo wanted a nap after using magic? And, if he was extremely tired, he wouldn't be able to go on for as long as he did in classes.
All he knew of it was that Cura had dragged him past it on his first day, telling him it was strictly off limits. Yet here he was, because Darian had summoned him.
These lines feel contradictory. I'd add in "for servants" after "limits" so it doesn't feel as contradictory. The last sentence also feels like it's under-emphasizing a rather big point. It's like a try at making Nendo seem sarcastic, but it just leaves me wondering what goes in in his head. He's not showing any emotion.
He twitched his fingers, examining the stiff white bandages Cura had carefully wrapped around each burnt digit.
Just to point out, these bandages don't seem to impede his movements later on. I thought his whole fingers were bandaged, and because you say they're stiff, I didn't think he'd be able to move his hands that much. Or, that the pain of his burns would be great enough to make him not want to move his hands.
It had been a long time since he’d last used magic, and he had forgotten how the blue fire burned his skin when it came out.
Wait. I thought he hadn't used magic before. This sudden realization made me do a double take. It didn't seem like he'd had any reasons to use magic on the streets, and with the way he'd formed that spell, it didn't seem like he'd used magic at all before. Work this in more slowly, or tell us where and why he's used magic before, so this doesn't seem so shocking.
He never liked using his magic much, mostly because it ended up attracting undue attention to himself.
I'm just going to repeat this one more time: the whole fact that he'd used magic before threw me for a major loop. I found it hard to read this chapter because of how little explanation was given for why he knew magic. You do give an explanation, but it's all the way at the end. We'd need said explanation right at the beginning so we're not left wondering why he knows so much about magic as if he'd used it.
Well, now he’d attracted the Count of Miria’s attention, thought Nendo, somewhat bitterly.
You've been doing this a fair bit with Nendo if I remember correctly: having his thoughts be in third person. Normally I don't mind it, but here it just doesn't seem to fit with the tone of the work, or even Nendo's past thoughts (again, if I'm remembering correctly). The "well" I guess is what really doesn't fit. I'd like to see it as "and."
Nendo stepped forward and pushed them open; they swung forward soundlessly. He stepped inside, taking in the room he’d just entered.
"Forward" and "stepped" are repetitive here.
Nendo’s heart slammed violently against his ribcage.
Despite the rather unique image of "slammed" I just can't picture (or feel would be a better term) a heart slamming against a ribcage.
but a set of magician’s robes—white robe edged with silver embroidery,
"Robe" is repetitive.
He then turned to glance at the portrait on the wall.
The portrait caught Nendo’s eye as well.
~ "The portrait" is repetitive here.
~ "Glanced" doesn't feel like the right word to use. If he turns to look at the portrait, then he'd be doing more than looking at it quickly.
with shaggy dark hair falling into midnight blue eyes,
I don't really like "into" here. I would think that in portraits, his hair would be out of his eyes so that he'd look more well kept.
Lord Darian admired him very much
Since readers are unlikely to remember the exact words, I'd make "him" "his father" so it's slightly clearer who "him" is.
said Darian, something akin to a smile
"With something akin to a smile" flows better I find.
even though he felt those first six years had been integral.
This line is rather obvious in the reader's mind. You can delete it no problem. Should you delete it, you'll also use some very obvious and not-good foreshadowing.
Instead, he said, striding across the room towards one of the cabinets,
The "he said" here is really out of place. It implies you had dialogue here but deleted it.
Darian was rifling through the cabinet, making loud clanking sounds, before he withdrew and held out something long and tall to Nendo—a wooden practice staff.
I'd like to see "was rifling" turned into "rifled" so the sentence feels like it's all the same tense.
It was tipped with a small highly-polished mirror; from the bottom of the mirror dangled a bundle of tiny, pale pink, ceramic wisterias that jingled softly when the staff moved.
I'd think the topper is important for focusing magic. I'm surprised that Nendo's staff didn't have some sort of topper.
Nendo did so, standing a little ways behind Darian as he watched Darian turn the staff upside down with a neat flick of his wrist, so that the mirror was pointing at the circle.
At first I thought I understood what the staff looked like (the mirror being suspended, half of the mirror surrounded by part of the staff as it curves to suspend the mirror) but after this description, with no mention of the mirror moving, I'm suddenly rethinking what the staff looks like. Rework this description so the staff makes a bit more sense. (And, to clarify, I thought the top of the staff would look something like this)
“That’s a crude, but effective, way to use battle magic. It’s much easier when you follow the prescribed forms, though—watch.”
"Prescribed forms" feels repetitive because you only used it a line or two before.
coming together in a design that spoke of force and action.
I can't picture this description. It's too vague. I do realize that's what it's supposed to be vague, but I've been pulled out of the scene by some rather fuzzy descriptions and how knowledgeable Nendo is about magic with no explanation, so I think this should be replaced with more specific language.
The circle flared alight with a burst of purple fire before bursting out of existence and leaving behind a charred line on the wall.
~ "Burst" is repetitive here.
~ You used "flared alight" to describe the magic before, when he was drawing it.
There were only five straight lines crossing the circle, intersecting in acute angles, forming a design like a star.
After reading this, the description of the design speaking of force and action doesn't mesh. I see that symbol as magical, yes, but it doesn't say "battle magic" to me.
A vague memory floated through Nendo of a street performer showing off something the Coalition called “electricity”. He remembered how the blue sparkles had leapt from metal rod to metal rod, through a process the performer had called “conduction”.
The image brought up and the words used feel too solid for this to be a vague memory. I wasn't too fond of the very scientific terms used here; even though they are the proper terms, I go into geek-mode and try to think of how electricity works and get pulled out of the story.
swinging the staff in a circle around him
Darian didn't draw the circle around him, he drew it in front of him, I thought. That contradiction makes me wonder what's going on.
There was none of the soul-draining weariness or burning pain in his fingers that came with using only his willpower and hands.
This makes me wonder why Jyuna was able to cast a spell with his hands and not get tired.
After that first lesson there were only others—lessons in the right way to position his staff, on how to flick his wrist so the lines of fire simply burst out instead of having to drag his staff to draw them, on the right way to direct his intent in a single point of focus. Then, after Darian was satisfied Nendo could perform a basic attacking spell, he began drilling Nendo in defense. He taught Nendo how to draw firm lines in right angles, and how to cast the spell before him like a shield, correcting Nendo’s missteps all the while. Nendo was surprised by how patient the lord was; despite Nendo’s many, and sometimes foolish, errors, Darian never once raised his voice, although he did get increasingly sardonic.
This summery, just by how much it covers, makes me think these classes go over a span of weeks, not hours. Since each lesson listed here can be one whole class, especially since you're dealing with highly complex mental and physical exercises. Stopping before defense magic would help with that; usually you perfect one step before moving onto the next. For this to sound like one class, add a mention that Nendo at least does it right once before he moves on to the next thing. That will make it seem like one long class, rather than several classes built up over weeks (which even your first line, that I didn't quote, ties into)
With a grunt of exertion, Nendo tentatively lurched to his feet.
Well, you asked for word reduction, and I have found one location. "Tentatively" can be deleted, because "lurched" and the other actions Nendo did imply that. You could also delete "of exertion" since "grunt" in response to any sort of movement also implies that the person is tired.
Something about the lord’s tone annoyed Nendo,
It took me two reads to figure out what "something" meant, and even then I'm not sure. It's too vague a word, especially since this is a key interaction point between Darian and Nendo. It would also hint at a flaw for Nendo, getting annoyed when talked to in a condescending way/when he's talked to and/or treated like a child, so it would be a very good idea to flesh this out.
he had to turn to the side to hide from Darian the heat that had risen in his face.
I don't think turning to the side would help. Darian wouldn't be able to see both cheeks, sure, but he'd be able to see one. The only way turning would work is if he turned completely away, which Nendo is not about to do to his lord. Maybe making it so he ducked his head instead?
usually the vendors or guards who he used magic on roared indignantly at him, calling him a devil boy or worse.
And now we get an explanation as to why Nendo knows how magic feels. But I find it's too little, too late unfortunately. Like I said before, put this explanation at the beginning.
Nendo started to flush under Darian’s scrutiny.
I thought he was already blushing? This reaction seems to restate the one above.
“Potential…?” said Nendo.
Nendo has just said three sentences in a row that end in an ellipse and a question mark. It's getting repetitive.
Darian was saying,
I'd like this replaced to "said." Although it gives a somewhat nice distanced feel to the work, there isn't a reason for that distanced feel to be in the work. Unless you have a reason, emphasising how surreal this is for Nendo, then just keep it in simple past tense.
was embossed on gold on the cover beneath gold lettering of the book’s title.
I'd replace the "on" after "embossed" to "in." I think that's what you meant in the first place?
“Your father wrote this?” he said.
“Excuse me?” Darian had been heading back to the cabinets. He stopped, mid-step, and turned back to Nendo.
“Your father,” said Nendo, indicating the name on the front of the book. “Did he write this?”
“How would you know?” said a wide-eyed Darian.
“His name’s written on it,” said Nendo. “I’m guessing he’s the person who wrote it, why else would it be—”
Before he could finish, Darian was in front of him, alternating astonished glances between Nendo and the book. At length, he spoke, his throat convulsing. “You can read?”
“Um…yeah,” said Nendo, feeling foolish.
Darian gazed back at Nendo, astonishment still written all over his pale features, before giving his head a disbelieving shake, dark hair flying into his eyes. “You…you are no ordinary street boy.”
Just want to tell you how much I love this dialogue. I can just see my dad stopping mid-step and saying "excuse me?" just like that.
*
I'm enjoying your style of not breaking up the overall segment. So, I'm using it.
This chapter drove me a bit nuts, actually. I did so many double-takes at how Nendo could speak with such experience about magic when I didn't think he'd used it before, given his little demonstration. Through out this whole segment I kept wanting there to be some explanation, some hint, as to why Nendo knew magic, but none was given until the end. Just about every time magic was brought up I was feeling that way, which isn't good.
I also found it odd how Nendo doesn't have any marks on his fingers from past times he's used magic. If constant use of magic can burn fingers away, and Nendo has used magic enough to really know what it feels like, wouldn't there be some scars on his fingertips or some disfiguring on his nails from the fire? I think you'll need to explain that a bit more as well.
Now that I have read your less flower chapters, description-wise, I do agree that this is a bit much. You tend to over describe movements, especially. Take a real good look at what's implied just by a few simple words. I've given you an example of how to cut words, and I believe you can use it for other movements that I might not have picked up.
Your ending was fantastic. Don't change a thing. xD
The emotions are just a touch thin, I find. Rather vague word usage (what is it that they say about turn around and fair play? xD) when talking about Nendo's deeper feelings really leaves me estranged to him suddenly. You could also use such opportunities to find his flaws, and from what you've said those are needed. You've given me enough explanation on vague word usage that I know you'll be able to do something about it.
This whole segment felt vague, which I disliked. I didn't actually pick up on the problem until I began nit-picking and seeing just how many vague descriptions there are in here. The tone, also, feels detached. That would be fine if we got more on Nendo, such as an emotional tapestry that give the whole scene a surreal tone, but we don't have that. As I mentioned, everything feels detached for no known reason. Either get rid of the detached feel or put a reason for this segment to be detached.
Overall, like I said I was rather frustrated at the lack of explanation in this chapter. I actually began reading it awhile ago, and the information that Nendo had used magic was dropped into the prose so suddenly I stopped reading. Reason I keep going on about that subject; it really pushed me away.
PM me with questions/comments.
~Rosey
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