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Unaccepted (Intro)

by Bhayden71297

My eyes wandered over the house I used to belong to, the house I used to live in. It was so much to take in after a year of being away. From the outside it hadn’t changed- the structure was still mansion like, the colors were still classic whites, blacks, and yellows, the lawn surrounding it was still trimmed perfectly, and the garden that lined the pathway and edges of the house still flourished beautiful colors.

In my mind, I had no doubt the inside hadn’t changed either. After all, there wasn’t anything to change. The furniture was the finest, the rooms were grand, and the decorations were only the most exquisite and expensive. Everything was perfect- everyone was perfect.

Everyone except for my brother, whose hand I had a deadly grip on, and me.

My brother, Blaine, is gay- something that doesn’t sit well with our top notch lawyer of a father who is known all around. My father resented him, as did our mother, when he came out to them 2 years ago. They yelled and insulted him for being a “fag” and for being so disgusting.

I’m not gay, but mind as well be because they hate me all the same. Instead, I was a rebel as they called it, a messed up child. I was suffering from depression and didn’t know how to deal with it. They saw the cuts on my arms and witnessed the nights I came home drunk, and didn’t do anything but yell at me for being a failure.

So, one night after many hours of physical and verbal abuse, they decided to send us away. They told everyone that we were going to private boarding school in Illinois, but what they did was put us in reform schools.

I remember being so worried for Blaine because he wasn’t one to fight, while I would if I needed to easily. But, as I glance to my left, I know that now, in any situation, he would. The reform school changed him. Not out of being gay, but he stood up for himself. We both stood up for what we believed was right. The only negative thing that came out of the school was the walls we both put up.

“You ready, B?” I heard him say to me in a quiet, distant voice, breaking me out of my memories.

I squeezed his hand and both our ice-blue eyes met. I smiled half-heartedly as he squeezed it back and then let out a small sigh. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Let’s do this."

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304 Reviews

Points: 22897
Reviews: 304

Sun Jun 03, 2012 2:21 pm
barefootrunner wrote a review...

Hello Bhayden!

A very good intro, and with perfectly decent spelling and grammar. My first piece of advice would be to look at your tenses. Keep even the thoughts in past tense. Blaine WAS gay. Who WAS known all around. I WAS not gay, but might as well HAVE BEEN. They HATED me all the same. And there is a typo in that very sentence—mind should be might. I cannot find any more errors, to your credit!

Just bear in mind that we do not know anything about your main character yet. Remember to inform us of his/her looks and gender later. You give us such a beautiful, detailed background, now give us the visuals of the characters themselves and make it perfect!

Your tone, sentences and word choice are all sophisticated and well-chosen. Be sure to keep it that way!

Good end to this, encouraging the readers to read on. Don't drop this! Don't stop before allowing me to read further!

Keep it flowing!

Bhayden71297 says...

Thanks for the help! I've never been good with tenses haha. I'll make sure to look into that. And I will definitely get the first chapter up as soon as I can! I'm nearing the end of school so I'll have plenty of time:)

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41 Reviews

Points: 703
Reviews: 41

Sun Jun 03, 2012 10:08 am
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Nikko wrote a review...

Hello Bhayden or Brie! I think that this is an interesting story.

First of all, I like the level of detail that you placed into your works, it makes it more enjoyable to imagine the situations and the environment that the character is trying to portray. You also a good choice in words, the way you use various kinds of words help a lot. I like your sentence structure too, it is well-polished and I can't even see any typographical errors in your work!

Although, I was hoping that there would be more dialogues rather than just using a narrative to tell the story.

The friendship you're trying to portray in the story is sweet, and the cliffhanger will leave me coming for more of your stories, great work, keep it up!


Bhayden71297 says...

Thank you Nikko for the review:) I'm glad you liked it! And don't worry, there will be more dialogue in the chapter definitely. I only narrated the intro to start off the story.

The simple truth is that authors like making people squirm. If this weren't the case, all novels would be filled completely with cute bunnies having birthday parties.
— Brandon Sanderson, Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians