(Any feedback welcome. About the plot, story idea, ending, beginning- please and thanks, Brie♥)
“Mom,” was all she said.
A woman of forty looked up into the stony eyes of a sorrow filled young lady. Immediately, her face brightened and a shimmer of hope grew visible in her glassy eyes. A finger reached forward slowly, then two, then three, then two hands altogether, grabbing at the adult but only grasping bars.
“Allison,” breathed Millicent.
The daughter’s head bent downward and she shook it. “Camille. My name is Camille, mother.”
“Oh.” Millicent’s hands let go of the bars, and the sliver of hope in her eyes vanished. Stepping back from the cell bars, she made her way to the small cot in the corner, collapsing upon it face up in a sigh of disappointment.
“There’s something I need to tell you,” Camille said.
A mumble of words strung from Millicent, incomprehensible to the ears of anyone more than a few inches away from her. Camille picked her head up, unblinking, and questioned Millicent on what she said, though she seemed to know exactly what it was even when the words never reached her.
“Hearing problems too I see? Next it’ll be some lethal disease…” Millicent grumbled and Camille swallowed the gasp of pain in her throat. The fake hair upon her head suddenly became itchy.
“Mom, I have-“
Millicent held up a hand as she stood up, rage and wild anger flaring in her eyes. “Are you Allison?” Camille’s eyes started to shine and she bit her lip, not speaking. “Then I’m not listening. Not until my baby girl is here…”
Camille stood there, unsure of what to say, mind spinning with words she wanted to speak, but knew there was no point in saying.
“Now get out of here you worthless brat!” Millicent barked. With that, she turned and shuffled back to the bed, slowly sinking onto it, letting out a sob. Curling up in a ball, Camille could hear her saying that one name over and over. “Allison. Oh Allison.”
After minutes of standing there, watching her crazy distressed mother cry over her other daughter, Camille backed away, murmuring to herself, “I love you too mom.”
Outside of the station, Camille’s eyes filled and a sob much like her mother’s escaped from her throat. As she curled up in the passenger’s seat of her car, she let the tears fall silently. A hand touched her arm.
He sighed. “I don’t understand why you do this to yourself...”
Camille looked into his eyes. “Every daughter deserves a mother’s love.”
“And is that what you think she’s giving out? Love?”
Camille stared straight ahead into the distance. Allison left and was given love. Camille stayed and was given hatred. When the cancer took her, all she could hope for was her mother’s love and forgiveness for the past events in her mother’s mind, which never even happened.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Brie! It's your friendly neighbourhood Searria here for another review.
The ending sort of gave me a little hint of "prodigal son," so maybe that's it.
Reading this piece a few moments ago, I had this thought nagging in my mind that it reminded me of something. I don't know if it's just because I read it before, or it makes me think of another story.
Anyway...on to the important stuff.
As usual, you write with a believable emotion that allows your reader to relate to your characters in a very short amount of time. For the most part, it flowed well. As the reviewers before me have mentioned, it is a little enigmatic at times, but I sort of liked it. You're headed more towards showing rather than telling. It's a very big step in a fun direction, but maybe a little more elaboration in the details would have helped your readers really grasp your meaning.
Nitpicks:
For me, this first sentence could be a little stronger. Especially when it's a telegraphic sentence, I find it almost distracting when the first sentence has a "be" verb in it. That's just my personal opinion, though.
There should be a comma after "brightened."
Very nice little hint here.
Hmmm....I'm not sure I really like this. I like the whole idea behind it, but the wording seems a little unnatural and over-used. I think the generality is what bothers me. Instead of "every daughter," I think I want it to be specific to Camille.
I agree with gummie about the last sentence. This is one place where the flow seemed really stilted to me. Play with different ways to say the same thing, and then you can see which one you like best.
General:
While I like the vagueness, I would also like to see more detail and description. You use some visual imagery, but satisfy all of the readers' senses. Are there any unusual smells? Is it hot or maybe frigid? Try to really draw us in not just with the emotion, but also sensory imagery.
That's all I have for this one. As always, let me know if I can help you any further! Happy writing!
Always,
-Sea-
I simply loved it!!
It's short, yet absolutely real. You make us feel sorry fot the character, emphatize with the mom... That's exactly what writting is supposed to do with the reader.
At some point, though, I was a little bit confused. I mean, it took me some time to realize what was really going on. But...I don't know, maybe it's me.
Anyway, it's an excellent work of yours!!
Congratulations!
That was pretty amazing. A little confusing, but amazing nonetheless.
Now, if I may address some of those confusing points...?(:
I had to ask myself for a moment, "Who curled up in a ball?" Because... It's the mother who's in the cell, right? Just had to bring that up. Pronouns and clauses always create this problem. It's alright, though. I sometimes struggle with this aspect in my own writing, as well. Just remember to keep an eye out for this type of thing.
I know this might simply depend on the writer's narrative style, but when a reader gets a little lost in the meaning, something must be a bit off, at least. Camille's eyes filled with what? I had to pause/read over the sentence a few times in order to understand what was happening and be able to assume that what you meant was that Camille teared up and broke into a sob. Was that a correct assumption? Specifications and nouns are really all these problems are.
I absolutely loved this section. Moving, touching, inspiring. Definitely. But, to be honest, the full meaning/scenario was a little lost on me. "When the cancer took [who?]" Pronouns! Kinda takes the effect away when you have to think about who did/said what. lol
And one last thing... I know what you were trying to get at with your last clause (perhaps two), but I don't feel like the build to that one clause ("...which never even happened") is quite enough for the reader to fully grasp the meaning or take in the whole effect. If I recall correctly, there was only one line where it was mentioned that the mother crazy - which is alright. I liked that much of it. But it also makes the conclusion a little foggy. I personally think there should have been another hint or two to indicate that the mother was truly mad. And the vagueness of "which never even happened" was quite clever, and i liked it. But like I said, it was vague. Which events never happened? The cancer? The many events in the mother's mind? All of the above?
Quite a few loose ends in the plot here. I think you meant for that... To make it more open-ended and sort of thought-provoking, I guess? But I think there's a little too much ambiguity. Though the points I addressed were only the contextual stuff (well I hope that's all I messed with) because it does seem like you wanted to leave some questions unanswered.
Hmm, okay, I think I commented on everything I wanted to comment on. I hope this was helpful in some way! And I hope I didn't totally butcher your style of writing or anything offensive? I'm sorry if I did.
But anyway, I honestly did enjoy this(:
Hope to read more of your stuff!(: