“The forest is a dangerous place, you know.” A mother said as she emerged from the dim light of her son’s room.
“Yes Mother, I know.” Came the strong reply of her daughter.
“And especially at night, but you that too, don’t you?” Her mother’s voice was mocking and condescending.
“Yes Mother. I do.” Her daughter’s voice was impatient as that of any daughter whose wishes are delayed.
“Then you also know how your father died!” The response was short but shape and hung in the air like the crack of a whip.
“Yes Mother! I do know!” The response was as short and as fast as her mother’s, but what followed next had much more sting: “You tell me, remind me, everyday! And every time I even think about going outside you warn me: ‘Beware the shadows’! But let me tell you something,” Venom flowed through her voice as blood through her veins, “Wake up and open your eyes. Shadows that you warn everyone against are around us everywhere we go and are harmless. What I call Shadows… well, you can’t keep them at bay forever…” Innocent anger had given way to an almost confused calm, but her dark eyes betrayed the withering torment within, “Dad taught me that much.” Those words echoed in the barely illuminated room, but they were blown away by an invisible wind that flung the heavy door, leading to a dark nightscape, open. Merely sixteen, her life had only just begun as she walked out and vanished into the all-consuming night. Swallowed by the Shadows. Light from the ongoing fire seeped through the open door, desperately trying to combat the inky darkness, glowing like a beacon. But no beacon, however bright, could ever bring her home again…
(I understand this a little short however I intend it to be a short story/novel, thankyou for reading. Feedback would be much aprciated)
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137,712 Literary Works • 672,063 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, isn't that a very interesting conversation to get a story started, wow, there's a lot of almost animosity there between the mother and the daughter. The first couple of lines could perhaps be chalked up to impatience on the part of the daughter and the mother just being a bit worried about the daughter, but the end there sounds like the mother is practically threatening her daughter not to leave the place. Its a very interesting way to present a relationship between family like that, and it does catch your attention quite well there...so, as an opening conversation, this is great.
Okay....now I'm back to getting vibes of overprotective mother and it seems to be a case of a very, very overprotective mother that's perhaps being a bit too overprotective there...with the kind of tone she uses. The daughter is clearly not a fan of any of that from the looks of things and stalks off only to get swallowed by some very mysterious sounding creatures. That certainly makes for an awesome prologue here cause it does make you ask quite a lot of questions there as to what these things and what drives this daughter to the point of doing this. All in all, it makes for a really solid prologue right here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I like the beginning of this story, it has a good set up. But in the last paragraph, I would try splitting it into two paragraphs. The grammar is good, and I liked the wide variety of vocabulary, so I would really, really, really like you to finish this, and make it really good. That doesn't mean to sound demanding if it does. But I can tell the plot line has the potential to become something good, with lots of twists and turns. So keep writing this story.
Hello! I see you've just joined, so welcome to YWS!
When you have a tag like he said or she said, you need to end the dialogue with a comma and begin again with a small letter.
This is a bit obvious. You know about showing vs telling? This is a good article to read if you're not familiar with the concept--or just to read; it's a very good article. ^_^
I found this a bit melodramatic. It's very purple and over-the-top and it feels sometimes like you're using words just for the sake of using words and because they sound cool. Kurt Vonnegut said that every sentence should either reveal character or further the action, and a lot of your sentences didn't really do that.
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Yo! Welcome to YWS! If you have any questions, then just PM me and I'll do my best to answer. A quick tip is to review lots. By reviewing, you make yourself known and so people get to know you and your style, so they'll be more inclined to review your stories.
You have a very strong beginning here for your story, which is good--you definitely seem to know what's happening and you already have conflict building up with the mother-daughter relationship, the daughter leaving, and the mention of the son. ^_^ I do feel though, that your writing style could be trimmed down. Simplest is best. Get right down to the bare bones of the story. I mean, yes, description is important too, to help us visualise the scene, but a lot of narrative was just talk. It didn't do anything, so it just detached me from the action. Read the article on Showing and Telling--I think you'll find it very helpful.
PM me if you have any questions!
-twit