I wake up, feeling the gentle breathing of Jasper on the side of my neck. We've been sleeping together for a few months now, and by that, I mean generally just sleeping. Waking up to see his face fills me with such happiness and calmness, I've started to wonder if he feels the same way at the sight of mine. I roll over off of my back and onto my side to face my boyfriend. Boyfriend, that word still feels so strange to be placed upon my tongue. It means that he's mine; a boy as perfect as he is, mine.
Jasper's still asleep, his breathing steady and his eyes firmly shut. I wonder if he's dreaming, and if he is, of what? I can't remember the last dream I had, but if I had to put money on it, I would guess that it was about him.
I glance at the time, realising that Jasper has to be up in ten minutes anyway, to get to his sixth form classes. And what would a ten minute difference make, if I woke him up now? With that question in mind, I gently nudge his arm, rousing him from a deep sleep.
His eyes take a little longer to open, but when they do, his orbs of melted dark chocolate stare right at me, captivatingly and beautifully taking in the light, the world, me. A lazy smile appears on his face, and he lifts a single arm to wrap around my waist and pull my body towards his.
When our bodies meet, Jasper doesn't look away from my eyes before giving me a quick morning kiss. He then glances at the time, and his smile grows slightly wider at the sight of him having ten minutes to spare before he has to get up. I have to go to my sixth form college too, but my classes don't start until midday, today, meaning I have all the time in the world.
"Morning," he says, his voice still practically asleep and low. I smile at the sound of it; a sound I have come accustomed to since he moved to my town only six months previous and we became friends. Best friends, in fact, ones who are okay with sleeping around each others houses even though gender separates us. Best friends who aren't afraid to wake each other up at random times during the night because we heard a noise or just couldn't get to sleep. Best friends who turned into a couple.
"Good morning," I reply only a few seconds later, as if those thoughts didn't race through my head. Jasper is a shockingly beautiful boy, so much so that I was amazed to find out that he had only had one girlfriend beforehand, who, stupidly, cheated on him a few years ago. For me, Jasper is my first boyfriend, first kiss - first everything. And what surprised me almost as much as him only dating one other girl, he chose to date me.
I'm not a beautiful, skinny, blonde haired, blue eyed girl who's constantly bubbly and excited, confident and loud - I'm me. Awkward, maybe slightly cute, easily-angered me. Someone who's on the sidelines, and doesn't feel like she fits in with her own friends. I don't understand how a boy like him, would ever like a girl like me.
A small smirk appears on Jasper's face during the lapse of silence. He studies my face for a few seconds - a face that's no doubt pulling a stupid expression or looks crushed after sleeping all night. Then he readjusts his hold on my waist.
"What were you thinking about?" He asks curiously, searching my eyes as I take my time to answer.
"Nothing," I tell him, avoiding the answer of well, you're so perfect and I'm so me, how did this happen? Jasper just rolls his eyes and asks me the question again.
"I was just thinking, is all," I tell him, half shrugging. Jasper, of course, doesn't buy into this. I'm an awful liar and my eyes constantly give me away because I just send them flying around the room, looking at anything and everything. Like right now, they've landed on the Spider-Man poster above my bed; a picture of him flying through the air on a background of comic strips.
"About what?" Jasper questions. I sigh, giving in to Jasper's determination.
"You, me, how this happened," I say with a quiet voice, without looking at Jasper. When I do, as a quick glance for his opinion, there's a small smile on his face.
"Well that's an easy thing to think about," he informs me. I look at him questioningly and he just shrugs, turning onto his back and looking up at my ceiling. "It's a boy meets girl fairy tale - but they have a lot of distance between them, which troubles both the prince and the princess." I smile at his words, watching as he continues.
"And it seemed pretty simple that way - but the prince didn't want the story to end like that. So the prince travelled down the country to be with the princess." He stops there, just continuing to stare at the ceiling in thought. I move slightly in the bed, watching him, and I just relax, happy with what Jasper could say about us.
"Do you know what happens next?" I ask. Jasper doesn't hesitate to answer.
"Yes," he tells me.
"Well?" I ask. "How does the story continue?" Jasper pauses for a few seconds, just looking at the ceiling. Then, he turns his head to me, his dark eyes full of wonder but at the same time, a definite stare that lands on me.
"They save each other."
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129,936 Literary Works • 671,510 Reviews
1. Jasper
I was immediately intrigued my the name Jasper. One of my best friends has the cutest little dog named Jasper. I also thought of the character Jasper from the Twilight series. I'm not a big fan of Twilight, but when everyone was arguing whether they were Team Edward or Team Jacob, I made a pin that said I was "Team Jasper." LOL In addition, I'm a 'name-origin-fanatic' and I've always had an interest in names and meanings. The name Jasper can mean "jewel" or "treasure." So right away, you got my attention with that name. Very creative, I like it. Great characters have great names.
2. Italics
In this sentence: "Boyfriend, that word still feels so strange to be placed upon my tongue."
I would italicize the word "boyfriend"
3. Boring and Juvenile
And this paragraph: "I glance at the time, realising that Jasper has to be up in ten minutes anyway, to get to his sixth form classes. And what would a ten minute difference make, if I woke him up now? With that question in mind, I gently nudge his arm, rousing him from a deep sleep." seems super slow and boring.
This sentence here: "Jasper is a shockingly beautiful boy, so much so that I was amazed to find out that he had only had one girlfriend beforehand, who, stupidly, cheated on him a few years ago." seems to be written in a very juvenile way. This could be intentional, or this could just be your writing. I'm not sure which.
4. Repeating Yourself
In the 7th paragraph, you said this: "And what surprised me almost as much as him only dating one other girl, he chose to date me."
And you said this again in the 8th paragraph: "I don't understand how a boy like him, would ever like a girl like me."
5. Word Choice
This part: "I sigh, giving in to Jasper's determination." doesn't sound right. He wasn't very determined. Perhaps it would be better to say "mild persistence" or something less than "determination."
6. Reality
When Jasper says, "It's a boy meets girl fairy tale - but they have a lot of distance between them, which troubles both the prince and the princess." I'm super skeptical. That doesn't sound like something a guy would say. It doesn't sound like how a guy would say it either.
And this part: "And it seemed pretty simple that way - but the prince didn't want the story to end like that. So the prince travelled down the country to be with the princess." doesn't sound very realistic. I mean, girls are more apt to talk like that.
7. ******SPELLING ERROR******
(It is traveled, NOT travelled. Use spell-check.)
8. Last and final comments
But overall, it was a cute story. The insecurities in the girl are pretty obvious. And the flow was decent.
I would suggest giving more description to the guy and the girl, especially physically.
Good job. I love forward to reading more of your work.
I'm not going to comment on a lot of this, seeing as it - although very thorough - entirely missed the point of my work. I am going to say though, that 'travelled' is an acceptable British spelling. I am English and this is the way Ive been taught to spell it throughout my life, even though it isn't used in many other countries. I use spell-check, thank you very much.
Also, considering I wrote this five months and have been editing it since, I know why I've written everything they way has been. I do know people who speak that way, we've grown up doing so. Anything not explained I.e. their descriptions, are because Jasper could be anyone - it was a one second name choice, but the point of it wasn't to be my Jasper. It was to be anyone who read it's Jasper.
Thank you for reading and reviewing, but for future reference, picking on so many points can be perceived as insulting to the work, seeing as many pieces are written the way they are for a reason; they just need to be read carefully and thoughtfully. Thank you, though.
I loved this short story. This shows love between two people that isn't too forceful, or awkward, or any other things that would part two people. You showed the insecurities of the girl well, and the love between two people that weren't perfect without each other. I didn't see any spelling errors, or any other things that were wrong with the story.
This story flowed smoothly. There wasn't too many adjectives, but there were enough. I could tell you worked on this story to make it flow.
Do you have a boyfriend like that? Do you long for a boyfriend like that? Do you want to be that girl?
Thank you very much, I wrote that story about three months ago, and have been going through, editing and rewriting for such a long time.
And, I think I almost was, at one point. But that's in the past - so with one change of a name, I can bear to look at this again.
Can I cry now? The only nitpick I have is the first paragraph.
The word "literally" would go better in place of generally.You captured the love between two people that I have always wanted for myself. You made this relationship seem so intimate, without sex. This is something I haven't seen done before until now. I loved how you portrayed the insecurities of the girl, I just wish you would've described her better. And her Spiderman poster makes her seem so real.
Tell me, are you the girl?
Awe, thank you so much. And yes, that's actually the one bit I've been on the edge about. (The Spider-Man poster is at the end of my bed, he he he).
Hah, well, I used to be.
This is amazingly beautiful. Your characters give off completely believable emotions and I can totally feel what they are feeling. It is beautiful, how you described the morning with them. I love your characters they are amazing and real.
This flowed smoothly and there weren't any errors in grammar that I could find. There weren't any spelling errors either. This was awesome, keep it up.