12+

opaque hearts - prologue or part one

Sophie pushed the door open, the chipped red paint falling piece by piece to the pavements. A bell rang faintly and she was greeted with the soft hum of smooth jazz and the autumnal smell from the incense burning through the rooms. The smell could only be described as wet rain falling onto the warm bronzed leaves and the sweet toffee apples - that Sophie’s grandmother used to make for her as a young child. The building’s interior was just as quirky as the intricate muriel and bright colours that flooded the storefront. Inside: there were fairy lights lining the ceiling; large tapestries of blues and pinks were draped across the walls; the shelves and doors and rails and any rough woods were coated half-heartedly with the many shades and tones of the rainbow; the floor covered with offcuts of carpets and rugs (each piece a different colour and texture)

An elder lady sat by the desk at the end of corridor. She smiled, her hair a bright pink and her wrinkled hand clasped over a first edition copy of The Great Gatsby. “Sophie, my dear. How lovely to see you again, what can I do for you today?” The woman’s face lit up as she looked up from her book, analysing Sophie’s features - as if she hadn't seen her in years.

Sophie was a pretty girl, dressed in a boyish fashion. She had tanned olive skin that stood out against her piercing aqua blue eyes. Her dark brown hair fell down past her sides in surfer like waves, with several braids dotted around her head. Sophie was dressed in a fitted black crop top and a pair of khaki camouflage army trousers. Her top exposed her torso, and the navel piercing on her stomach - enhancing her defined physique. Sophie’s ears were accompanied with large silver hoops and many other intricate jewellery in various places of her cartilage, as well as a silver hoop in her nose. Although she was no more than eighteen,her beauty seemed to add years onto her.

“Rosemary, it is wonderful to see you!” Sophie smiled back, making her way over to the desk. “Adele called, she asked if I could help out in the cafe for a few extra hours. Can I sign myself in please?”

“Well it is wonderful to see you too my dear! Oh and of course, let me just get your badge.” Rosemary rummaged away, in several drawers, before handing Sophie a small name badge and a black apron. “There you go, my dear. How are you these days?” She glanced down at Sophie’s chair, “How’s the physical therapy?”

“I’m good, all things considering. I’m better than I was, in all aspects. I stopped physical therapy a few months ago now but I’m in the gym a lot with a specialist PT - so that’s going well. I can stand and walk a bit with leg braces and a frame but it’s a loosing battle. You know me though, the Doc tells me it is impossible and I say watch me.” Sophie frowned slightly, twiddling her fingers. “But I’ll get through it, don't you worry.”

“Oh, I know you will. You’ve got grit and determination.” Rosemary smiled again. “Have a good shift, dear.”Sophie nodded in thanks before wheeling herself into one of the rooms adjacent to the main hall.

The cafe was one of the largest areas of the building, it occupied two or three rooms - a large open space, filled with tables, chairs, sofas and beanbags; an adjacent room had small library shelves filled with various works of literature, and a free tables for ‘creative thinking’; as well as a kitchen and counter area. It looked out onto the street outside, with the large playing field directly in front of the building. There was always music of some sort filling the cafe, and it was always filled with people from all walks of life - bought together by a shared compassion for coffee and cake.

The cafe’s main door open and a tall young man walked through the door. He was 6’5 and muscular, his physique highlighted by the tight-fitting grey long sleeved t-shirt and black skinny jeans. His hair, a warm blonde, was pushed back into a messy quiff. The man’s face was well defined and accompanied with a light stubble.

“Can I get a large hot chocolate, with all the toppings, and a toffee apple slice, please? Oh and a cheese toastie, on thick white.” He looked at Sophie, for a moment. “Oh, Soph Thomas! Good to see you again.” He smiled, in a half smirk with a devilish look in his eye.

“Yeah, the one and only.” Sophie smiled looking up at him, he’d matured since she’d last seen him - even if it was just a few weeks. “That is £5.00 please, sir.” Sophie shook her head, pausing. “I just think it’s unfair that you are a year older than me and I still have to call you sir and Mr Davies.”

He chuckled, grabbing a five pound note and placing it on the table. “Oh I don't know Soph, there are other things you could have to call me.” He looked down at her, glancing towards her torso and chest before shaking his head a smirking. “But that would be inappropriate, all things considered.”

Sophie rolled her eyes, taking the money and putting it into the till. “You’re right sir, especially since you’ve got a ‘girlfriend’ or is it someone to babysit, seen as she’s what just finished her GCSE”s?” She smiled, moving to the counter and slicing a piece of cake,

“Touch, but we aren't together anyway so it wouldn't really matter.” He laughed, emphasising the not together part. “It’s Theo, by the way.”

“Oh I know what your name is, Mr Davies.” Sophie glanced at him, as she prepared his drink and food. “It’s hard not to when all of year eleven, which I only just finished by the way, in fact the whole school is obsessed with you. I mean obsessed too, not just ‘ooh look at the hot new trainee’ kind of way. I mean the ‘ooh look at the hot new trainee Mr Theodore Edward Davies, Theo for short and some people call him Teddy. He is only nineteen and has done some modelling whilst getting straight a’s and playing for a pro rugby academy and still maintaining perfect hair.’ kind of way.”

“You aren't the only one that the school is obsessed with, Miss ‘Sophie Amelia Thomas who is the most gorgeous girl who even though is in a wheelchair she still goes to the gym everyday and helps out at the rehab facility that she went to after THE accident. She even went back into school two years below, just to do her GCSE’s despite being told to quit school. All while still maintaining perfect and breaking the hearts of many.’ The gossips missed a lot of the good stuff on my life story, Thomas.” Theo smiled.

“Well there is more than meets the eye for my life too, Davies.” Sophie smiled, brushing his hand as she passed him his tray.

Thank you if you read this and would really love some feedback on it, this is a prolougue/introduction part so is quite short but would love to hear your thoughts and advice on it so far! XXX

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User avatar
Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review · Fri Sep 21, 2018 2:04 am

Hello hello!! Here to bring this out of the green room for you! :D I picked it out because realistic romance is my FAVORITE! If you keep writing this story (I hope you do!) and posting it here, let me know and I'll keep reading!

I really liked the beginning and how you set up the setting because I can't even tell you how many times I mention that in reviews (and I myself always end up having to back and add it into my own writing :p) I also really liked that you gave the subtle hints about the accident and the MC's injuries and that she's possibly disabled through the conversation with Rosemary and Sophie.

I also appreciated, that since this is going to be a romance, that you cut right to the chase and introduced who I assume is going to be the love interest right here in the opening scene. He's who I really want to comment about :)

So far, I'm not feeling him. I'm sure he's swoony and great and I'll be shipping them soon, but right now it feels way too easy. He finds her attractive, she finds him attractive, he has a girlfriend but not really. What's standing in their way right now? I want to work for a cute romance :p

Do you know about common romance tropes. A trope is basically a common plot devise. Tropes are not bad. Everyone has favorite tropes (me personally enemies to lovers, friends to lovers, forbidden love, love triangles, military, athlete, probably more i'm not immediately thinking of). I would recommend thinking about what type of trope you might want to go for with this romance to help you with this opening scene. I think there should be much more build and this scene should have a lot less overt attraction. Make us work for it :)

Overall though I'm seriously always game for a cute (or dark) contemporary romance so I will seriously follow this and read every chapter if you keep posting! Let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D

Thank you for the feedback, the love interest is a trainee teacher at her school so is definitely a forbidden loce. I%u2019ll work on making it more obvious about that in the description and dialogue. Thank you again for the feedback!!

User avatar
Zoom
Review
Zoom wrote a review · Wed Sep 12, 2018 8:05 pm

Hey Bethan ^_^

Sophie was a pretty girl, dressed in a boyish fashion. She had tanned olive skin that stood out against her piercing aqua blue eyes. Her dark brown hair fell down past her sides in surfer like waves, with several braids dotted around her head. Sophie was dressed in a fitted black crop top and a pair of khaki camouflage army trousers. Her top exposed her torso, and the navel piercing on her stomach - enhancing her defined physique. Sophie’s ears were accompanied with large silver hoops and many other intricate jewellery in various places of her cartilage, as well as a silver hoop in her nose. Although she was no more than eighteen,her beauty seemed to add years onto her.


You start off multiple sentences with a similar construction (check what I bolded). You don’t generally need to use the name of a character unless the last pronoun you used relates to a different character to the one you now want to talk about.

Also I don’t really get how looking beautiful can add years to you. I see a lot of school kids who look pretty much identical to this and I wouldn’t think they looked older than they are. You’ll need to put a bit more effort in to capture this idea.

“Rosemary, it is wonderful to see you!” Sophie smiled back, making her way over to the desk. “Adele called, she asked if I could help out in the cafe for a few extra hours. Can I sign myself in please?”

“Well it is wonderful to see you too my dear! Oh and of course, let me just get your badge.” Rosemary rummaged away, in several drawers, before handing Sophie a small name badge and a black apron. “There you go, my dear. How are you these days?” She glanced down at Sophie’s chair, “How’s the physical therapy?”


People don’t go out of their way to not use contractions, so saying "it is" rather than "it's" will make your dialog seem a bit unnatural and robotic. Say this dialogue out loud and you will hear what I mean when you get to the parts I put in bold.

tight-fitting grey long sleeved t-shirt


That’s way too many adjectives for a t-shirt.

“Oh I know what your name is, Mr Davies.” Sophie glanced at him, as she prepared his drink and food. “It’s hard not to when all of year eleven, which I only just finished by the way, in fact the whole school is obsessed with you. I mean obsessed too, not just ‘ooh look at the hot new trainee’ kind of way. I mean the ‘ooh look at the hot new trainee Mr Theodore Edward Davies, Theo for short and some people call him Teddy. He is only nineteen and has done some modelling whilst getting straight a’s and playing for a pro rugby academy and still maintaining perfect hair.’ kind of way.”

“You aren't the only one that the school is obsessed with, Miss ‘Sophie Amelia Thomas who is the most gorgeous girl who even though is in a wheelchair she still goes to the gym everyday and helps out at the rehab facility that she went to after THE accident. She even went back into school two years below, just to do her GCSE’s despite being told to quit school. All while still maintaining perfect and breaking the hearts of many.’ The gossips missed a lot of the good stuff on my life story, Thomas.” Theo smiled.


I see what you trying to do here but you’re slipping in way too much exposition to make it work. It’s very unlikely this conversation would happen - that they’d both be able to reel off this level of information off top of their head, especially considering they haven’t seen each other in a while.

***

Overall comments:

I’m going to be honest and say that the first few lines of dialogue could be trimmed a bit. It’s as if I’ve walked into a coffee shop and been subjected to the conversation the customer in front of me is having with the barrister, all the while I’m stood there waiting for my coffee haha ^_^

I didn’t enjoy the setting as much as I would want to for the opening chapter. I think it would help if we stripped this story down and examined exactly what it is the reader is getting from it. After finishing the chapter, we now know that:

1) Sophie works in a coffee shop
2) Sophie has had some kind of accident
3) Sophie has a crush on Theo

From this list, I’d say the only aspect that definitely deserves a place in chapter 1 is that she has a crush on Theo, assuming he is the love interest of this novel. The setting therefore has little relevance beyond showing us where she works, which we don’t need to know right off the bat. I always see chapter one as the promise the writer is making to the reader. It’s your one and only shot to hook your reader by promising them an interesting tone, setting, voice, premise, etc. I think you could switch this chapter up and introduce one of those elements in a more engaging way, because I feel like a lot of what happened here I could experience for myself in every day life. You mentioned that she helps out at the rehab facility, that could potentially be interesting? I’m sure you’ll find something that would bring this story away from other romance novels.

Next, I’m concerned by the way you’re characterising not just one but both of them as overly desirable heartbreakers. This is unrealistic because even attractive people don’t appeal to everyone, like the last few paragraphs of dialogue suggested. I would like the characters to appear more three dimensional than this, because it’s not engaging to read about characters whose appearance is at the forefront of the scene, rather than the essence of who they are as a person. Early in the story readers want to see the flaws your character has and how that will spark conflict. They can be beautiful (I guess if it’s a romance novel then this would be expected) but that can’t be all you show of them. Something has to connect the reader to Sophie and Theo and make them believe that their story is either relatable or worth reading about.

It was nice though that Sophie is confident enough to talk to Theo and have a flowing conversation. Usually in a romance story one of them is nervous or not interested in the other, so the fact that you’re starting off with both of them happy to have a conversation made a nice change. Glad we can cut to the chase. And I can tell that the banter towards the end can lead into more fun conversations later where they tease each other haha.

Also the writing itself was good, that’s why I didn’t pick much out to do with the writing, it was mostly just the actual content that I thought needed tweaking. And when I checked your age I couldn’t believe you are only fifteen! You’re ability is beyond your age, especially with some of the word choices you thought to use!

Anyway, I see potential here, and I can see you have the ability to really shape this into something.

-Zoom

Thank you so much for your reply and all the advice you have given me. I will take this on board when editing and expanding what I have written. Thanks again :)

I'd also really appreciate it if you could review my improved version when i post it !



“I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers.”
— L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Green Gables