I roam around in search of food,
I roam around in search of water,
I roam, roam, and roam....
I am starved and I am bruised,
Beaten about and made to run,
I just wander and wander around.
I feel starved and my throat is parched but I just roam around.
I know how you feel for me ,
I know you will sympathize with me ,
Telling all will get well some day and you won't wander round and round....
BUT
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I just forgot to mention I am on my way to the Burger King waiting to gorge on a burger after my well fought Ohio Football win...:-)
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139,073 Literary Works • 672,403 Reviews
LOL. That was deep. XD
Hey! This made me laugh
(Yeah, Ohio won!)
Hello!
Although many authors, as well as myself, are catching onto the idea of building up, building up more, and then letting go, I still think you did a pretty good job with it. Anyway, on to the review!
You have a habit of repeating "around/round" in your poem. Although I think this was kind of what you were trying to get at, but I think it's too much. It's really repetitive, and it gets a little annoying since they aren't spaced out. I would simply take one or two out, and replace it with a synonym. Or, if you feel that the word "around/round" is absolutely crucial to your poem, and if you take it out rabid monkeys will come to me and eat my eyes out...
(First, sympathise should be sympathize.) Since this line is still in the "serious" part of the poem, I feel it is too long too fit and match the first half of the poem. I would just split it up into two sentences, as I feel all of the information does add to the poem (so none should need to be taken out).
Other Suggestions:
Try making it more, "beautiful", in the beginning, so the build up can become more "intense". Here's an example: Instead of writing "I know how you feel for me," you could write "I know your feelings, true and plain-" or something like that. Use imagery, a simile or two to make it more interesting. I think if you have a more formal tone in the beginning, then the ending will have an even greater impact on the reader.
Also, I don't know what "wandering around" has to do with the last line... But, I do see your point. You kind of build up on a personal topic to break down with a totally unrelated one in the end. I never would of thought of doing it like that, as it would be kind of hard to pull off, but you did a decent job with it! So, disregard my personal preference here...
Other than that, and what Los3rLov3 said about the commas, I think it was pretty good. I like poems and stories like yours, and you did a fairly nice job with it! Good job, keep writing, and welcome to YWS!
~Snazz Pizzazz
I need to do a review so why not on this poem. I thought it was very nice, I liked the ending. I think the only thing you could improve is using commas. Like when you said, "I roam roam and roam...." You could have put, I roam, roam, and roam...." Overall this was a great short poem.
I look forward to hopefully reading more of your work.
Oh gosh. This is great
Superb ending...
Haha
Just thought it would be a stupid walloing poem BUT the ending suprised me....
Keep it up