I saw God’s head block the sun for a bit but it was only a shadow.
It rippled like it was being reflected underwater.
I tried to tell you this at the news stand,
but it must have been the end of your shift.
You gave me papercuts on my throat
until my vocal chords snapped and skittered.
Then, I was an ant and you were a wad of gum.
You were a desert to me and I vomited
on my chin, over and over again, then died,
in the sickly sweet of your wasteland.
You were me in one of these stories.
You didn’t know what to do with yourself,
but neither did I, because I wasn’t me;
I wasn’t even you. I was some other you.
At this moment we are two plants.
separated by a thin sheet of glass.
We're trying desperately to hold hands,
while They take readings, and play Chopin.
We speak before crowds with crowns in our mouths
because there are already too many on our heads.
And we are poor, dirty and in rags, trampled
by those who came to hear us speak.
You’re a killer and the moping of a willow tree.
I'm a child’s wonder and I wish the bees extinct.
Together we are perpetual reflection machines.
Apart, we know nothing; vessels for understanding.
I saw God’s head block the sun for a bit but it was only a shadow.
Instead of looking up, I read the expressions on the faces around me.
i like the use of varying sentance lengths. you used alot of "advanced" words something i dont see in works very often. you seem to know what you"re doing and have a very vivid imagination and make it easy for the reader to connect and see what you saw while writing this peice. i didnt see many mistakes, if i saw any at all, but dont take my word for it, im not one who notices that kind of thing alot. but all in all, this is a good peice of writing.
Hey, I'm a superhero. My super-power is not reveiwing, so bare with me.
First off, the beginning made me a little sick. Great job.
Not many people can make me sick. It was a tiny bit disturbing, not my style, but it was a great peice of imagry and I enjoyed the vividness of the pictures it gave me.
I got to say I didn't really understand what was going on. You like him and you're trying to tell him something awful happened, but the amount of metaphors made it hard to understand. It felt like I was in one of those artsy cartoons where it's really confusing and disturbing and then it gives you a weird message at the end. And then you think, "wait, what just happened?"
I think it could use some clarification on what's going on in the poem. Other then that the imagry and writing was great. Keep on writing!
Howdy!
Ok, firstly this is a very interesting piece, I'm not sure what to make of it just yet.
It is good and you have some wonderful imagery in it, as well as some great metaphors.
So, you commented to MissCaroline that you're not sure what the poem is about. I think this shows, I feel as if as the poet you need to have a good understanding of what you want to say. While I have some sort of understanding I feel as if you have a lot of different meaning in this poem and you're unsure of what you want to say. This makes it a bit messy.
I do love it, but you will love it even more if I knew what it was about.
My favourite lines are:
'You’re a killer and the moping of a willow tree.
I'm a child’s wonder and I wish the bees extinct.'
There is something really beautiful about these two lines, so good job.
Overall you have a great poem, but just work on the meaning of it, and figure out what you are wanting to say.
Good job, and keep writing.
Nargles xx
I understand that people want meaning out of things. Carl Jung said "we only attach meaning to the things we don't understand." I very purposefully avoid the subject of meaning. I think it's a nasty habit. Thank you for the review.
This was a very different type of poem. I had to read it a couple times. I really liked how it was so unusual. It reminded me of a free writing type deal. I enjoyed how you described things in this poem and it gave me great visualizations too! I think my favorite line of the poem is " in the sickly sweet of your wasteland." It just sounded so perfect. It had a melting effect when I read it out loud. I loved the choice of words. This poem was quite a mystery to me. I'm no expert in poetry in any means so I'm curious as to what this all means.
I don't know what it means either