Young Writers Society

Hey there, Ben! Here to return the reviewing favor on your piece for dogs’ contest. Here we go!

So I really like the theme of this poem - I haven’t read much poetry that has this sort of historical/story-telling feel to it, and I really like it! Your title is very interesting; it reminds me of the hanging gardens in Babylon.

Were you there when Pope peeped
behind the tree that seeped sap
and saw the gardens?

Watched as his eyes fell upon
the hyacinths by the garden’s edge,
growing, falling, limp
over the lip of the ledge.

He’s there, looking now
observing those little specks
of bloom in the light. He says,
‘Oh dear, oh dear, my days!’

Pope did look up,
he did see and now
he rocks. He laughs.

He is far, far away
like in the fairy tales
and dreams only of nymphs;
of the Naiad shadowed
by the falls.

Madness! he screams.
But no-one hears,
his voice is trapped
in the dry sands
of Nicaea:
the city of ruins.

Return thus to the gardens
and the lip of blood
to see among the hyacinths
and the browned lilies,
the grandeur gentleman
who hangs by noose
around his neck.

Howdy Franks, Tucker here with your review. Just as a side note ladies and gentlemen... this poem was written in less than three hours. Which is beyond impressive to just jump in and write this and than edit it to perfection. Do note that any and all corrections I offer are extreme nit picks, because every single poem I've got for this contest has been extraordinarily good. Anywho, lets dive in now shall we?

"behind the tree of which its sap did seep"

I like the imagery here, although this line is awkwardly worded and breaks up your wonderful flow. Maybe try saying: "behind the tree that seeped sap."

"the hyacinths by the garden’s edge,"

Excellent smooth use of the word "hyacinths," it flows naturally and it just sounds like it wasn't even a prompt for you to write a poem around. Well done there.

"growing, falling, hanging"

I've read some of your amazing works, and I know you can use some better descriptors than this. I know this is totally nit picky, I really don't have a problem with "growing" but falling and hanging I think you can switch them out for some stronger, more descriptive words.

"those little specks of bloom in light"

I loved the imagery and word choice here. Great job, although I would have much preferred that you say "bloom in the light," just to make it read smoother.

"is a trickle of drying blood and a dying lily"

Excellent imagery, interesting turn of events here. An ambiguous idea with trickling blood but the reader never knowing from where it originated. Also, trickle and drying contradict each other. Reason being because trickle means flowing, and for it to be drying the blood can't possibly be moving. So try editing one of those out.

"he did see and now he rocks"

Ok, so obvious that one 'thing' that he sees (I assume it's a thing) throws him into a state of fantasy gaiety. Although it's never really revealed what really prompted this to happen to him. I like the mysterious air to your writing, but I think it's a tad bit too mysterious at this point. What exactly did he see? You can reveal it at the end of the piece if you must, but I want to know what prompted him into "madness."

"of the Naiad shadowed/ in the falls"

Great use of the word "Naiad," although the wording here is a little odd. Is the "naiad" encased in a shadow cast by the falls (by falls I assume you mean waterfalls)? Or is the naiad in the falls? If it's in the falls, you'll have to re word this a little bit to help clarify your meaning. If it's encased in the shadow, try saying: "Of the Naiad shadowed/ by the falls."

"he does scream"

Just say "he screams," the awkward wording you use here doesn't really add anything to the poem, so just put it in a normal conversational tone. Or if you want to make it fancier you could say: He doth screams. Dunno why... just sounds fancy.

"of Nicaea"

Once again, great smooth use of your words that were given. Definitely a strong point of your poem. You use all your words like they belong and they don't stick out at all. Well done there.

Ok, ignore my previous comment of the bringing in what Pope see's that makes him go mad. I just figured that one out and face palmed so hardcore. I was confused because I thought that the "grandeur gentleman" was Pope. So try to clarify that, furthermore, how would there be a trickle of blood if he was hanged? True sometimes a noose can cut the neck, but not often, if that's what you're trying to describe than you need to describe where the trickle came from. Also, I think you should describe the man hanging from the noose better.

"What is man/ when you take him/ of his heart?"

Nice line to end it, although I'm confuzzled because it never really is revealed how Pope loses his heart, how does that happen? Metaphorically or physically, however you want to portray it, how does that happen and how does that effect him. Unless there was an even in history, that wasn't included in this poem, that explains Pope's loss of heart. If so you certainly need to put a link into this piece to make us understand more of what caused Pope's "madness," seeing a disfigured body hanging from a noose can be traumatizing, but I don't think it would be so much so that it would put Pope into a state of total dismay and 'insanity.'

All and all just a wonderful piece of poetry from you Ben. Loved reading it, you do an excellent job of putting a spin of perspective, in this case the perspective of Pope's life and supposed insanity. I like the part about a man without a heart, although I think you need to link it more back to Pope. Although it just dawned on me, is the hanging person a loved one of some sort? Because that would really make sense, if so definitely clarify that. Just great writing all around with a few minor flaws, excellent use of your prompt words. Let me know if you ever need a review. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh