Page One:
Panels one through six:
Here in this page we see a bit of Holita's underground house in every panel. The walls are all made of stone and everything looks a little bit old fashioned. Show a hallway, a kitchen, a storage room, a living room, a garbage/trash room, and two other rooms of your choice. Do NOT show any bedrooms in this sequence.
The mood of the panels should be dark and mysterious. A loud noise can be heard in each of the panels (which will be shown with a sound effect). Though the noise will later be shown to be comedic/ironic in the following pages but please remember that the first page should appear to be scary in some shape or form. The lightning should be darkened.
Sound effect: Bark! Bark! (This will be in each panel, starting out with small font at first and then gradually becoming bigger).
Page two:
Panel one: Close up on a dog that's barking. The species is your choice but I would prefer the dog to be smaller in size and cute looking. This should be the bigger panel of the page. Make sure that it seems like a present surprise to see that it's a small dog, and not a large carnivorous beast that's making these noises.
Sound effect: Bark! (This word will be all over the panel, in a way to express how loud of a sound the dog is making)
Panel two: First panel in which we see Holita. She's a teenage girl (later teens most probably. Youngest age is sixteen, oldest is eighteen. She still has youth in her but has reached a higher stage of matu rity), eyes closed and asleep. She's at rest, asleep. The bed that she's on isn't that advanced, it could even be a simple mattress if you want.
Sound effect: Bark! (The word is small in this panel, used to show that the dog's sound isn't that loud)
Panel three: Holita is in a simlar position as the last panel but now her eyes are wide opened and she can very obviously hear her pet dog's attempts to get her attention. In this panel all the reader can see is Holita's frame and the barking sound effect noises.
Sound effect: Bark! (All over the panel)
Panel four: Switch frames. Holita is getting up from her bed now. I'd prefer we see this from her back (as the body language of being tired can be seen better from an arched back) but the framing of the scene is up to you.
No sound.
Panel five: New frame. She's getting out of bed completely and starting to walk get out of her room.
No sound.
Panel six: She's out of the room and walking in the hallway. The dog is clawing at her legs, she's annoyed.
No sound.
Panel seven: Now in the kitchen, looking through the makeshift cupboards for the dog food. There's nothing there.
No sound.
Page three:
Panels one through four: This is a sequence of her looking frantickly through the kitchen for any food to feed the dog (or herself) with. Everything seems to be completely empty.
No sound.
Panel five: This is the larger panel of the page. Close up on Holita's face. She's both scared, angered and annoyed.
Holita: NO!
Panels six through nine: Holita is looking through the kitchen one more time to see if there's any food. Again, nothing pops up.
Holita (in each panel): No!
Page four:
Panel one: Holita is now in front of her parent's room, knocking on the door.
Sound effect: Knock knock.
Panel two: The door opens. We see Holita's mother, Matiza for the first time. She's an overweight person who rarely gets out of bed. She's obviously annoyed.
Matiza: What is it this time?
Panel three: Same frame except now Holita has changed her position, crossing her arms in a fit of both worrriedness and annoyance.
Holita: We're out of food again. Can I go to the village to get food so we won't starve, please?
Matiza: Well get going ya brat. Money should still be in your amor.
Panel four: Similar frame. Matiza has slammed the door. Holita still has her arms crossed, very obviously annoyed.
Holita: Sigh...
Panels five to eight: Holita is putting on armor of some kind and arming herself with blades for the journey outside. If the darker tone of the story hadn't been set yet, this sequence should show the Holita doesn't live in a very joyful world.
No dialogue.
Page five:
Panels one through six: Holita is getting out of her family's underground house. She first has to climb up a latter, then unlock a hatch, open it, step out of her house, then close the hatch from the outside and put something on top of the hatch to hide the entrance to her house. Again, the tone of these scenes should not be very delightful.
Also, once Holita is on the outside it should be obvious the her family lives in a desert of some kind.
No sound.
Panel seven: A vehicle of some kind is wizzes by Holita, who is moved by the momentum of it.
No sound.
Panel eight: Switch angles. Holita looks at the vehicle, which has stopped.
Holita: Wait!
Page six:
Panel one: One person, a male named Grisen, gets out of the vehicle. He's looking at Holita with joy. There is a distance between the two, one which is both physical and emotional. Grisen has a similar amount of amor to Holita on his body.
Grisen: Holita! Is that you?
Panel two: Holita walks to Grisen at a fast pace - but doesn't run to him. Make sure a disconnect can be noticed between the two of them, especially in terms of body language.
Holita: Grisen! It's so nice to see you again!
Grisen: Are you going to town?
Holita: Sure am!
Grisen: Would you mind us giving you a ride?
Holita: I'd love it!
Panel three: Larger panel of the page. The two are in the interior of the vehicle now, which is crammed with other people. It's obvious that this is a bus like vehicle, taking people to the village. Holita and Grisen are in the image, sitting next together. Even though they're in the image, the crammedness of the scene is what is important here. Make sure that this can be noticed more than anything else.
No dialogue - though a feeling of quite a bit of noise should be apparent, with lips moving all over the place.
Panel four: Close up on Holita and Grisen. There's an awkwardness here. It should become more and more apparent that Grisen has a thing for Holita yet doesn't know how to say it. Holita already realizes this and wants to make Grisen feel welcomed but in truth, she doesn't have any feelings for him other than being a distant friend.
Grisen: Sooo...Holita.
Holita: Yeah?
Grisen: Where are you going in the village today?
Panel five: Similar panel. Add a little bit of movement here, both from Holita and Grisen and from the people around them.
Holita: I'm going to the market then going back. Family ran out of food supplies. Mom would be dead in a day if she didn't have her cake.
Grisen: That's cool.
Panel six: Grisen realizes what he just said and is embarrassed, now trying to take it back.
Grisen: Well, I mean it's not cool, but it's....
Grisen: Interesting?
Panel seven: Holita gives Grisen a smile and begins to laugh. She doesn't really feel like what he said was funny but is trying to make him know that she wasn't offended.
No sound.
Panel eight: Grisen is embarrassed and Holita doesn't really know what to say. The awkwardness of the conversation has come to a peak and it's obvious that neither knows what to say now.
Grisen: Yeah...
Page seven:
Panel one: We see the vehicle the two are in from an ariel view. It has just left a cluster of hills, evidently the area that Holita and the others come from. It's now nearing the village, which appears to be very make-shift. The sun is high in the air, and it's obvious that it's a very a hot day.
No dialogue.
Panel two: Holita and other passengers from the vehicle begin to empty out.
No dialogue.
Panel three: We see a map of the village that Holita and some other person are both looking at. The other person is holding the map and has gloves on. The map is old and dirty. Beside's the other figure's hands, we see no person in the image.
Other person (off panel): Yeah, they moved they finished movin' the market about three days ago.
Other person (off panel): Should be on the other side of town.
Panel four: Change frame. We see Holita and the Other Person looking at the map from a front view.
Holita: Darn it.
Holita: Well, thanks anyways. You have a good day.
Panel five: Holita has begun to walk off. The other person is looking at her walk off.
Other person: You too.
Page eight:
Panel one: Holita is walking down the main street of the town, which is directly connected to every other street in some shape or form. There is a large crowd of people - all of them strange looking by our standards, but Holita doesn't even notice. They're normal to her.
No dialogue.
Panel two: Some strange person goes up to Holita. He has something in his hand. He looks weird and sniveling. (Henceforth shall be referred to as WAS Person)
WAS Person: Would you like something to buy?
Panel three: Close up on Holita's face. She's rolling her eyes.
Holita: No, I'm okay.
Panel four: Close up on Weird Sniveling Person's face. They now look a little bit desperate.
Weird Sniveling Person: Please.
Weird Sniveling Person: I beg of you.
Panel five: A group of four to five men - who look like they have Police Officer Clothes on - take notice of Holita and Weird Sniveling Person talking. They're ready to try and capture Weird Sniveling Person.
No dialogue.
Panel six: The men head off after Weird and Sniveling Person, pushing people out of the way to get to him.
No dialogue.
Panel seven: Holita and WAS Person are interrupted in their conversation by the Officers. Though the two obviously don't like each other, they both have a bad attitude towards the Officers. The Officers looks at WAS Person rather with a glaring eye.
Officer #1: What are you doing here?
Officer #2: Thought that last time you were around these parts we taught you what we do to folks like you.
Page nine:
Panel one: Close up on Holita's face. She's obviously very angry now.
Holita: Folks like what?
Panel two: Close up on Officer #1. He isn't happy.
Officer #1: This isn't any of your business darling.
Officer #1: We're here from the Alliance. This here fellow is wanted.
Panel three: A crowd looks at the Officers now. None of them are too happy to here that they're from the Alliance.
No dialogue.
Panel four: About half of the crowd pulls out a weapon, all aimed at the officers. They made a big mistake announcing they were from the Alliance.
Person in the crowd#1: We don't like folks from the Alliance out here.
Person in the crowd #2: It'd be best if you moved outta town right bout' now.
Panel five: Close up on Officer #1 again. He still isn't happy but now he has a smirk on his face.
Officer#1: And if we don't?
Panel six: Close up on one of the weapons which was pulled out. It can be a blade, gun, whatever. Just as long as the anticipation of a fight begins to build up.
Person in the crowd#1: Let's just say, you wouldn't like that.
Panel seven: Close up on Officer #1. Mean smirk on his face.
Officer#1: Well, let's just test that.
Pages ten and eleven:
Double page splash: A fight between the Officers and the Crowd breaks up. Chaos is in the area and sides have quickly been drawn. Draw this scene as if the fight has already been going on for about a minute or so. Holita and WAS Person should be trying to runaway secretly.
No dialogue.
Page twelve:
Panel one: Holita and WAS Person are still running away from the fight, but they're basically out of the area. They're safe.
No dialogue.
Panel two: Holita and WAS Person run around the corner of a building.
No dialogue.
Panel three: Holita looks around the corner of said building, trying to see if anyone followed them.
No dialogue.
Panel four: Holita looks at WAS Person with a sigh of relief. The two of them are safe for the time being.
Holita: No one followed us.
Panel five: Holita falls to the ground, sitting.
Holita: We're safe.
Panel six: Close up on Holita. She's looking up at WAS Person. He's out of the panel but it's obvious that he's still standing up.
Holita: Why were they after you in the first place?
Panel seven: Close up on WAS Person, a smirk rests on his face. Not a mean spirited smirk like the one that was on the Officer, but a smirk of nostalgia.
WAS Person: Let's just say they don't like people selling stuff in Alliance controlled areas.
Panel eight: Holita gets up.
No dialogue.
Panel nine: Holita and WAS Person begin walking again.
No dialogue.
Page thirteen:
Panel one: WAS Person begins to look at Holita's armor. He notices that she has a figure of power.
No dialogue.
Panel two: WAS Person now notices the weapons that Holita carries with her.
No dialogue.
Panel three: WAS Person begins talking to Holita. She's ignoring him through body language, not looking at him.
WAS Person: So you're a warrior?
Holita: A warrior in training.
WAS Person: You know anything?
Holita: I know how to take your arm off in three different ways.
Panel four: WAS Person's is the main person of interest here. He's interested in what Holita's saying. Holita's on the far end of the panel.
WAS Person: And just how'd you learn that?
Holita: Had a trainer. Her name was Dejalada.
Holita: Taught me everything. Even how to cook in the outdoors.
Panel five: Close up on WAS Person.
WAS Person: Well...
WAS Person: What happened to her?
Panel six: Close up on Holita's face. She's getting depressed.
Holita: The invasion.
Panel seven: Close up on Holita's face again. Now she has a tear in her eye.
Holita: The invasion happened to her.
Panel eight: Holita wipes the tear away. She now has a smile on her face, thinking of old times.
Holita: But as she said, life goes on.
Panel nine: Holita enters through a door to a shop.
No dialogue.
Page fourteen:
(This page should go by the sixteen by sixteen grid. Instead of actually having sixteen panels, panel one takes up the place of eight panels and panel six should take the place of two panels.)
Panel one: Big panel of the page. Here we see the market place that Holita and the man with the map were talking about earlier. Here in this scene is when we see how much of a disaster this town be. People are robbing the market left and right, food is on the ground and chaos is all over the place. People of all ages are stealing from the store and no one is there to stop them. A small line is at the cashier, but it's obvious that there are more people stealing from the shop than there are actually buying things.
No dialogue.
Panels two through five: Holita (without WAS Person) is going through the building, trying to get what she can. A lot of people are around her, fighting for food so she has to do this rather quickly. She just puts things in her cart as quick as possible. If you want, some people can try to fight her for food.
No dialogue.
Panel six: Make this panel a little bit bigger. Holita is now trying to buy the food at the cash register, the morally right way to go.
No dialogue.
Panel seven: Holita is now trying to get out of the store, but someone tries to attack her. She kicks them out of her way and walks out the building.
No dialogue.
Page fifteen:
Panel one: Holita is running with the cart in her hands, as fast as she can, trying to get out of town.
No dialogue.
Panel two: WAS Person, who decided to leave Holita, sees Her running.
No dialogue.
Panel three: WAS Person is starting to catch up with Holita, and is calling out her name.
WAS Person: Hey!
WAS Person: Hey girl! Wait up!
Panel four: Holita abruptly turns to a small, mostly empty street.
No dialogue.
Panel five: WAS Person makes the same turn.
WAS Person: Hey!
WAS Person: I said wait up!
Page sixteen:
Panel one: Close up on Holita's face.
Holita: I'm here. Waiting up.
Holita: Now, what do you want?
Panel two: WAS Person holding out his pockets, trying to get sympathy.
WAS Person: I have no money. No place to stay. No one to protect me.
Panel three: Close up on WAS Person's eye. He has a tear - a fake one - coming out of his eye.
WAS Person: Please.
WAS Person: Help me.
Panels four to five: Holita wonders in the first panel, nods to WAS Person's offer in the second.
No dialogue.
Panel six: Holita and WAS Person are running together through the town.
Holita: Just to let you know -
WAS Person: Yeah?
Holita: My home is about a day and a half away.
Panel seven: WAS Person, disappointed but still willing to go with Holita.
WAS Person: Great.
Page seventeen:
Panel one: The two are running across the lands during the day. They are out of the city right now, the sun is still in the air but beginning to set.
No dialogue.
Panel two: It's nighttime now. They have a camp set up. WAS Person is sleeping and Holita is standing guard. A fire is lit to give the two of them light. The cart of food is near WAS Person.
No dialogue.
Panel three: Same frame, but now Holita is asleep and WAS Person is standing guard.
No dialogue.
Panel four: Different frame. WAS Person is secretly trying to take food from the cart.
No dialogue.
Panel five: Holita slaps WAS Person.
Holita: No.
Panel seven through nine: The two are running through the lands again. The passing of time is shown through the position of the sun and the changing landscape. In panel nine they've arrived to Holita's house. The sun is down and the sky is out.
No dialogue.
Page eighteen:
Panel one: Completely skip the two of them bringing the food into the house. Holita is now in front of her parent's room again, knocking on the door.
Holita: Mother!
Panel two: Matiza comes out of the room, tired.
Matiza: What is it this time?
Holita: We have a visitor. Can he stay here for a while?
Matiza: Put him in the living room.
Panels three to five: We end Holita's adventure today with a sequence of WAS Person in the living room, Holita asleep in her room and a view of the village from night time.
No dialogue.
Page nineteen:
Panel one: We see the same sequence from panel five of the last page, except now we see a cliff and on the left hand quarter.
Officer #1 (off panel, except for foot): Yeah.
Panel two: Switch angles. We now see that there is a group of people on the cliff, the Alliance officers from before. They're looking back on the village, readying for something devious. Officer #1 has a walky talky being held up to his hand.
Officer #1: Yeah.
Officer #1: This village would be a great place to start the Alliance's invasion.
Panel three: Air vehicles, of different periods are in the night sky. One of the air pilots is giving a light signal to one of the Officers, who gives the same message.
Officer #1: Head towards the south. We'll come in from the North and the bombs on the East and West sides'll stop any who're trying to escape.
Officer #1: Copy?
Page twenty:
One page spread: We see the full length of the air vehicles who will invade next issue. There are dozens of helicopters, airplanes and hot-air balloons ready to attack.
Pilot in airplane: Copy that.
Pages twenty one and twenty two:
Things to come spread. We see Holita with her hands in chains, then running in the interior of an airplane, then in a small army, then with her lover, and finally battling a large, luminous silhouetted figure. Add in some other things if you feel that there are some story elements which could be added later on.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey there!
I've never been one to follow the rules of script writing, but here's what I picked up.
#Write boldly
In a novel it's important to not dash around things, but say them as they are. Writing with confidence means that readers are more likely to put their confidence in you.
This is even more important in script writing because when you refer to 'of your choice but I prefer' I get the impression that this is written for someone else to draw, or for a publisher to read. If you want a small dog, state that this is where a small dog goes. If your producer decides they don't like it they will ask you to change it, but it's not their duty to decide.
Especially here: "Holita is getting up from her bed now. I'd prefer we see this from her back (as the body language of being tired can be seen better from an arched back) but the framing of the scene is up to you."
It's your job to figure out the framing, and if they don't like it they'll change it anyway.
If you really feel the need to add in these little annotations as a quick note then you could take advantage of round brackets like in 'criminal macabre.'
#Think Clearly
Linked to the above- you're the one who has got to figure out what things go where and how they are expressed, and you've got to do it in this script.
"Holita gives Grisen a smile and begins to laugh. She doesn't really feel like what he said was funny but is trying to make him know that she wasn't offended" - for example.
As the scripter, whether it's you or someone else drawing or a producer reading, you should know Holita inside out from a visual perspective. How is your artist going to know what she does when she laughs at a joke she doesn't find funny to let someone know that they're not offended?
If I'm honest, I can't think of how that could be clearly expressed by an actor or artist in a single frame. Break it down first. How can you tell someone is laughing even though the don't find the joke funny? The only way I can think of is having a thought bubble, or having the expression look completely different to the laughing sound effects.
Same here: "There's an awkwardness here. It should become more and more apparent that Grisen has a thing for Holita yet doesn't know how to say it."
How are you supposed to show all this in a single panel? It's fine if this is just a vague notation to yourself, but it doesn't give clear instruction or direction that is required of a script.
Take a look at how specific the instructions are in 'Hellraiser song of metal and flesh.'
#Layout
It's hard to get the layout right because of yws formatting, but still. You need a big title and a few line breaks for each page. Never write something like 'Panels 1 through 6' unless you're the only person who will ever see this. A producer will see it as sloppy and an artist will wonder why you haven't finished the script.
#Notations
Try to write things more concisely and with sharper specifics. Don't be afraid of writing it in note form. Since this should all be seen visually whoever is reading it doesn't need to try and translate pretty language into a visual image. You need to deliver as much information into their brains as possible in as clear a way as you can.
'Casanova #8 ' is pretty good for this.
#Overall
I think you could probably benifit from taking a quick course in scriptwriting, either at a local college or via internet. Overall I found this hard to read becuase I couldn't fit it into a film, comic or novel format and I kept tripping over the lack of visual description.
This is very interesting. But I'm curious. Are you am artist planning to turn this into a comic book or do you plan on having someone else do that? Or are you just simply writing the script and leaving it at that? I hope it turns into a comic book (or manga). I would really like to know. Thanks.
Hello Ismeme, and thanks for taking the time to read this script!
I'm personally planning on becoming an artist, but the type of art which I'm studying generally wouldn't fit the tone of the comic that I'm planning on creating. There is an artist named Scott A. Story who has offered to help me in my quest to become a comics writer, but at the moment I have nowhere NEAR enough money to afford this. Hopefully in the next few years I can save up and then be able to pay him, the colorists, and letterers, but nothing is certain at the moment.
My personal dream in life is to become a comic book writer (not a graphic novel writer as I believe the term doesn't make that much such) so I hope this gets of the ground and starts rolling.
Again, thank you for taking the time to read this!