(This is not in its proper layout... but to save time....)
(Soon to be a) Postcard
I remember
poetic mornings
Siamese anaesthetized
afternoons;
a cool red hat,
suits, wide newspapers-
colouring over crossword Junes
I remember
the dusks of dawning,
new born recognition in the
rooms;
a timeless stare
stilled conversation-
an iris' cage snared the bloom:
of things we should have said but didn't and words that never
kissed held or hurt the way we could have kissed held and
hurt
I remember that eternal yesterday of that eternal yesteryear
poetry dripping out of our suits and running along the morning
flickers of God and December in your sunglasses
But it's soon to be a postcard
a joke and a cliche'
at the realising
it's in the leaving
we arrive
to say goodbye to everythinig we took for granted & everything
we didn't
I will always remember the faces in pain
from sunburn and smiling
Please keep in mind that this is not the poem's actual layout. The actual layout is landscape- with the first two stanzas in huge print and one side (like the image of a postcard) and the rest of the poem on the otherside in smaller italic writing. I think it gives the poem a more innocent feeling and I would upload it but it's been lost off my computer- I've only got the hardcopy.
FEEDBACK IS APPRECIATED.
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I know it's spelled "a lot." It was just a random thought I got when I was typing "a lot" That happens to me a lot. (There it is again! Why is it spelled like that?! Perhaps to avoid it being confused from the allot but I don't know.) It definitely is typed easier like "alot"
You guys spell "color" like "colour?" Hmm.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
*gasps* You're Australian? Pretty cool... I'm British born Chinese, by the way.
Again, you have really beautiful, lyrical imagery in this poem:
"...I remember that eternal yesterday of that eternal yesteryear
poetry dripping out of our suits and running along the morning
flickers of God and December in your sunglasses..."
Excellent stuff!
I find the use of bold type and italics somewhat artificial, but this might be deliberate, in order to create that mechanised, dehumanised tone of the speaker. I find the fact that the last verse is both in bold and italics, as if these convey two disparate, perhaps even opposite, ideas that are converging into one.
Couple of things:
1. "at the realising / it's in the leaving" is a bit clunky. Perhaps you could change this to: "at how I realise / it's in the leaving."
2. "everything" has been spelt incorrectly in the sixth stanza. It's usually a good idea to proofread your work to check for errors!
This was good work again; well done!
Gahks
8.5/10
Haha the reason their is so many spelling errors- or it seems like there is- is because I'm Australian lol
The lack (complete lack, you'll notice) of punctuation in the italics is intentional. I used punctuation in the first 2 stanzas to paint a picture of memory and then completely discarded it for what is really an outburst of emotion- think stream of consciousness style.
P.S what are you talking about with "a lot"... where did I write that..? And if I did.. that is spelled correctly lol... you don't spell it "alot".
I think that this was very heartfelt and sweet. It definitely held a lot of emotion. (why is "a lot" spelled that way!?)
Here's a few corrections;
This line seems a bit vague. Also just a few spelling errors.
Punctuation! It's such a pain to correct...
Misspelling and this line was a very good ending I thought.
Again, very beautiful read and though it didn't have a set flow it was fun to read. A post card you say? Wow.
Good job with this, just remember not to leave your readers in the dark.
Peace, Love and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody
What... is this? 0.o I see nothing other then the title..
Edit:: Nevermind. Lol.