He was the Past, You're my Future

Hello there! Here to review and hopefully help.

I'm not really a fan of poetry or a writer of it so I can't really help you with the technical side - I'm useless I know. But I would like to comment on the emotional side as I'm pretty good at that.

I really enjoyed this. I like the relatable subject that you've brought up in this. If you've come out of a bad relationship where you were hurt...you really do feel like you aren't good enough for anyone else. It's mad isn't it? How someone can affect you so profoundly?

I like the lines: You are a stitch,
To heal my wounds,
And to protect.

It's perfectly in line with the theme.
Well done! I look forward to reading some more of your work

Hi, I'm Sparkle here to review your poem!

First off, this is a topic that a lot of people can relate with. It can speak to many different people on many different levels, which can attract many different readers. However, this can also backfire a bit because so many people have felt the same thing, and, as a result, wrote similar poems. I think that the way you did this, though, with three lines or less per stanza, added some originality.

The way you ended this poem was very touching and a bit depressing. I was surprised at the hopeless tone you ended with. I think that it was very well done, though. You managed to capture that particular feeling very well in the last stanza.

Anyway, this is a good poem. Your rhythm and tone were effortless and beautiful and flowed easily off the page. I do agree with the other reviewers that I wish it was a bit longer and went into more depth. Some more information would make it a bit more original and interesting. I don't really have anything more to add that other reviewers before me haven't said, so anyway, good job! This poem has potential, and I hope you add to it!

Keep writing!

Hey, HT here to review.

First of all, I loved this. You wrote the work with perfect rhythm and flow, and I enjoyed reading it. However, I wish there was more. For instance:

He was a bad day,
A rainy afternoon,
A sleepless night.

He was a scar,
A knife,
A flame.

Why was he all of these things to the author? What made him so bad, so hurtful? And more importantly, who is he? I think that the way you wrote this intended the first male figure to be a previous boyfriend, but you really left it open. It could be an abusive father, uncle, teacher, or really any male figure in the authors life. I personally think that it really works the way it is, where his identity is left up to the reader to take it as they will, but a little more information as to why he's such a bad guy wouldn't hurt.



Are you mine? No, maybe, kind of...

But probably never...

I just think that you should've stuck to the pattern here, and instead of having two one line paragraphs (or sections, what ever you want to call them) just have the one with three lines.


*sigh* Ugly me.
Stupid me.
Horribly nasty me.

I really hate this ending. I'm sorry, but I got all excited when I started to read the whole, "You've fixed me thing," and then I read further and went, "Uh-oh," and now we've come to this and it's a sad ending. I wish the author could've been happy.

NO grammar mistakes, which is great because I hate to have to point those out.

Happy writing!

Hi I'm hanorah,
And I'm here to review your poem.
I really really liked this poem.
This will relate to a lot of people I know.
Punctuation was good.
I would like to know what happened with the first boy though.
I didn't really like the ending but I guess that is kind of how everyone feels.
Overall,this was a good poem,I would give it 9/10.Well done!

Hi! here to review! I'm Spark, by the way. I think I've seen you around the chatroom before :3


So, to be honest, this story is very cliche and redundant to me. Girl is treated terribly, finds a better guy, something happens, blames herself. I wish it was creative, because I love the story line behind it, but it seems a little safe to me. I want you to be big bad and over the top in this poem! I want to click on it and say "Wow! This is such a classic story but she put such a new spin on it!" But right now, I'm not doing that. Right now, there's not a wow factor. How do we gain that wow factor, you ask? Well, it's actually really easy! I like to think about a couple of things when I'm writing poetry--one, metaphors and similes, things about the story behind my poem that are original versus following norms, and what I want to highlight out of these original parts of my story. I like to write my poem, and then figure out where I'm lacking inside it. Where I could expand more and make it more creative. Where it could be cut down. Almost like pruning a shrub, you know? You have to cut if down for it to grow.

And the end is just a little too whiny to me. Plus, it messes up the rhythm. In the beginning, it's the boys fault she's unhappy. But suddenly, it's her fault. Consistency is key. Making the boy part of the reason she's unhappy but blaming herself would make more sense, but switching it at the very end and not explaining why she thinks it's her fault.

Anyway, cute little poem! I wish it had had a happier ending though.
Keep writing!
Spark

Hi, Belle.

I'm here to review for you!

Alright. I feel like this poem is just a bunch of random thoughts put together in a few stanzas. Mainly, because since I don't really know these guys and I don't really know you, I am not sure what's going on.

I would like to know three things.

1) I would like to know why the first guy is like a "bad day", "a rainy afternoon", "a sleepless night", etc; that would be lovely. Not only it would keep the reader entertained but they could actually grow fond of you; readers love that and authors need it.

2) I would like to know, so I wonder why the other guy is like a fresh start and all the other things you mentioned and why on earth is he not yours... Wait. Is he yours or not? You're not sure? Why? Why so dubious? D= What's going on!? *runs and screams*

3) I would like to know why the poet feels the way she does.

Ugly me.
Stupid me.
Horribly nasty me.

Hi there! This is 567ajt, here to review this already-reviewed poem. Doesn't that sound nice?

Let's take it step by step.

"He was a bad day,
A rainy afternoon,
A sleepless night."

I like the comparison you're making, and the metaphors you are using, but...I can't help but feel I have read this all before. ESPECIALLY when you reference a sleepless night. I feel that in this stanza you add something a bit more unique, or you could even rephrase sleepless night to something else.

"He was a scar,
A knife,
A flame."

This one is a bit more interesting, with references to more violent objects. Again, I feel you could use more interesting words. I can't really explain it, but try and avoid cliches.

"But you are a fresh start,
A new day,
A good dream."

I like this one better than the ones before It has more character and warmth to it.

"You are a stitch,
To heal my wounds,
And to protect."

Awww, this is nice.

"Are you mine? No, maybe, kind of...

But probably never..."

Wait, what?

"*sigh* Ugly me.
Stupid me.
Horribly nasty me."

Well, that escalated quickly.

Hey BelleBeauty,

Here is my review for your work.

You have made dafting comparison between your past and the present by your lines. I like the way you made readers to look into the contrast. Still, even if you have taken this to a further extent and completed it would have been far better and readers would have settled their thirst.


" Ugly me.
Stupid me.
Horribly nasty me."

These lines mean the same but nothing. You would have used a wide creativity sense to explain your ditched feeling with many other things that insist the way you are hurt.

And probably I don't think there is need for it to be cut into too many lines.

"He was a bad day, A rainy afternoon and A sleepless night.

He was a scar, A knife and A flame.



But you are a fresh start,

A new day and A good dream.

You are a stitch to heal my wounds and to protect.



Are you mine?

No, maybe, a kind of...

But probably never...(*sigh*) Ugly me. Stupid me.Horribly nasty me."

I think this is more appropriate for it to be presented as a work.

Aww... You could have made the ending so much better. I feel the ending was too emotional and didn't flow with the rest well enough. You know, because it's talking about a hope of someone better than the last - someone who can 'heal my wounds' and 'protect'. If you want it to end in this way to convey that feeling, it can definitely be written better. Ugly me, stupid me, horribly nasty me is something a person thinks to themselves - it is in no way poetically deep.

I love the rest though! It's so cute and full of hope (besides that last part!). Like even though someone has put you through a lot, there is still usually someone who can fix all of that and just make you feel better.

I like that line "Are you mine? No, maybe, kind of..."
It is so true. This is how I always feel when thinking about someone I love. Except I usually go the other way around (Kind of, maybe, no...).

The first stanza is pretty and goes from morning to afternoon to night. Quite meaningful.

I like this poem. I really do. <3 And good luck in whatever or whoever it may be talking about.

um hi...I'm not good at this reviewing thing but I'll try...so um I thought it was an odd poem but I liked it and I think its pretty good...I think you might have been able to write another paragraph or two but it was your decision so you don't have to listen to me because you wrote this but I think if you added to it you should add more then two paragraphs about how "he" was your past...I'm sorry if I bothered you as I said I'm not good at this and I hate telling people things about their poems that they might not always want to hear...so thank you very much for your time I hope I didn't bother you...

Hey there!

Overall I really liked this piece of poetry and especially loved the first 4 stanzas but had a few qualms with the ending. I found myself a little lost and I certainly love the ideas you brought up of doubt and despair but I feel like it would be possible to represent them in better ways. Also, this may just be me but I don't know whether the "*sigh*" behooved the poem. Anyways other than those few things, I loved the piece! Keep up the good work!

Ok so right off the back I noticed that your capitalization and punctuation were spot on.

*sigh* Ugly me.
stupid me
Horribly nasty me.

Ok so instead of *sigh* you should have italicized sigh. The only other thing I see is that it wasn't divided into stanzas very well.


~MindBlown

OMG YOU KNOW THE CONVENTION! THAT'S TOTALLY AMAZING DUDE!

You're one of the few other people I've seen on YWS who know to not repeat the first some-odd words if they're repeated but just to jump to the actual meat XD GREAT JOB!

On to the review. I would really like to see more than just a few words connected to it again, and also add a comma or something after the start words to kind of break them up a little perhaps. A hyphen could work really nice too. It would set them off, pause to consider, and then delve into the deep end. This poem has me excited. Speaking of that, I would strongly, STRONGLY suggest you use the same thing in reverse at the end! Just have
Ugly,
Stupid,
Horribly nasty-me. see? It works very well. Also I shall show you a trick
When you have inner commentary, think about putting it in (These) so that you can really go into it.
Ugly (A disappointment to the mirror each morning),
Stupid (How could I possibly think she'd love me?)...

This will really help you through the poem to get in depth with what's going on and expand on the idea of the main text <3

Hi there, BellaBeauty (nice user name) ^-^ And happy review day (Go Tsunami Tyrants! Hehehe)
Firstly, I’d consider changing the title, but that’s just me. It didn’t inspire much inside of me, and I think you could have something a little more appealing. But that’s an opinion lol Anyhoo, back to the real review:
Like Fortis (< 3) said: “This sounds less like a poem and more like something you say to yourself when you're alone.” I’d have to agree with them perfectly on that. Especially at the end of your piece.
The first stanza begins fairly promising:
“He was a bad day,
A rainy afternoon,
A sleepless night.”
But then the second crumbled a bit for me:
“He was a scar,
A knife,
A flame.”
Believe me, at first glance, the second part sounds wonderful, but I got the sense that it was thought of on the spot and just put in. As if no true, deeper thought or emotion was entangled with the words.

“You are a stitch,
“To “mend” my wounds,” would make more sense to me, rather than “To “heal” my wounds”.
And the last line fell flat for me a bit:
“And to protect.” I’d consider adding to it. Making it deeper, stronger, binding it with more emotion and depth than what you have so far. But this is a lovely start.

The ending:
“Are you mine? No, maybe, kind of...

But probably never...

*sigh* Ugly me.
Stupid me.
Horribly nasty me.”
It sounded more like reminiscing to me than poetry. Not that that’s particularly a bad thing, but in this case I feel it broke the flow of the poem :c
I feel the structure was mangled at the end a bit. But aside from these things you’re putting a lot of effort forth and I hope to see you improve ^-^
Keep writing!
Catnip~

This sounds less like a poem and more like something you say to yourself when you're alone. It started out okay with all the symbolism but I felt like the symbolism went no where and you just started rambling. If we had some background, perhaps this would make a little more sense. I didn't like it where you said "*sigh*" because, unless this poem is spoken, it just looks like it belongs on the internet and not in a poem book. But this poem has a lot of emotion, just not a lot of meat, or description.

Hi Belle Beauty and welcome to YWS!

Overall, I liked the beginning of this. The first stanza was my favorite because it introduced some imagery that was relatable but not overused. The stitch to protect the wounds was interesting as well.

He was a scar,
A knife,
A flame.

Are you mine? No, maybe, kind of...

Wow.

I sense this is somewhat deep-ish.

I like how you wrote this.

It's really cool and good.

I can feel the struggle, even though is doesn't talk about them.

Anyways, it was really cool and good.

Thanks,

pegasusgirl2

Wow! What a very cute title for a very cute poem Belle! And I think I shall end it with that! No, I'm only kidding! Let me give you my review for this work. Go Hot Sauce!

Okay, I can say that this poem actually piqued my interest. It's witty in a way that it's sweet. It also provides enough understanding to make me, well, understand the poem! I think the main thing you need to watch out for is imagery. For example:

He was a bad day,
A rainy afternoon,
A sleepless night.

He was a scar,
A knife,
A flame.

You are a stitch,
To heal my wounds,
And to protect.

Are you mine? No, maybe, kind of...

But probably never...

*sigh* Ugly me.
Stupid me.
Horribly nasty me.