Marvin thought he must have gotten the most boring job in the world. Guarding valuable goods for Leader had sounded exciting at first. After all, who wouldn't like running through the streets of Athiria City at night, zapping a thief with your newest edition charge gun and watching them writhe in pain on the ground? However, the job had turned out to be much less exciting. Everyone was much too intimidated by Leader to ever dream of stealing from him and his special forces. Even the weekly drills had started to seem repetitive. Marvin idly watched a fly buzz around above his head. How long was it until his break? He was dying for a coffee. The theme song from a new reality television show seemed to be playing on an endless loop inside his head. Da da da da doop, da da da da doop, doo, doo. He was so tempted to take out his messager and message Rob that it almost hurt. Suddenly, a small noise from behind him made him jump. He turned just in time to see a grinning freckled head disappear into the air ducts before it disappeared, taking two months’ worth of supplies with it.
“Come on, Adrian, that was reckless and you know it,” said Adrian’s partner, Devon, giving her one of his specialty looks. “You’re never supposed to show your face in the presence of a Forcer!”
“Oh, lighten up. You know they never would have caught us,” said Adrian, helping herself to one of the protein nuggets from her freshly stolen goods and laying down on the makeshift table. The clubhouse was the only place members of the Guild were allowed to remove their masks. It was rather ramshackle, as it had been constructed from whatever the Guild members could find, but it suited their purposes just fine.
“Well, when you get abducted by Special Forces, don’t blame me.” Devon stated to unpack the goods.
“Do I ever?” said Adrian.
“Yes!” Devon said, giving her a playful shove. Adrian just rolled her eyes and smiled. She didn't know what he was so worried about. After all, those stupid Forcers would never be able to catch up to quick guild members. Would they?
End of chapter
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139,498 Literary Works • 672,588 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, that is a lovely ambiguous start, cause there is genuinely no way to tell whether this is from the point of view of a special forces team that is actually evil in some way and would kill to protect valuable resources or whether these resources are being protected against some actual evil threat of some sort. At any rate, I love the attempt at making things relatable with this guy being bored and hoping to get attacked...and then of course when it all happens at the end of the first paragraph there, it makes for a lovely way to get this story started here.
Okay, well, see this sudden switch to the POV of whoever did the stealing there almost seems to suggest they are the good guys in this scenarios but it really is not possible to say...so it is interesting to almost have to pick a side there as to who you end up rooting for in this scenario. The transition of the POV's here though is a little off...there's no warning or clear divider soo..for a second you're wondering what on Earth is happening, I suggest you make it a teensy bit clearer that this is a different scene with different people.
Alright, so, I get the feeling that this latter part that closes that chapter out kind of makes the earlier part a bit irrelevant and unnecessary, I daresay that would be better off in a separate chapter introducing that character and their views, rather than shoving both of these together here. That being said, this is a pretty neat start here to this story...I did like it...and it sounds like a story that I would in fact read here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
nUGGETS
PROTEIN NUGGETS! I really love this piece Bella, and I'm excited for more. If you hadn't explained to me the whole situation of Athiria City, I would be a bit confused. But, I considerably understand that Athiria City is a dystopian society where the rich people eat NUGGETS! Protein nuggets, fiber nuggets, and other nuggets of that nature for each meal. The nuggets are small, tasteless tablets colored for the material inside. They are expensive to make, so that's why only the rich people eat them, right? I hope so, because that conversation during lunch took me like twenty minutes to recollect. A nugget-related problem I see is, "helping herself to one of the protein nuggets from her freshly stolen goods . . ." Aren't the nuggets very processed and manufactured? And what are Forcers? Who is Leader? Does Leader like to eat fiber nuggets, or does he like protein nuggets better? Anyways, I love this so far. You are an amazing storyteller. You're such a NATURAL storyteller, and that is hard to come by.
I have your headband,
Alex
Hey there Bellator!
Ok, so I'm here because I love science fiction basically, and was interested to read this
I think the opening line works very well as an effective hook, but I would put it in its own paragraph.
The charge gun sounds really cool, and I love the name "Athiria City".
Your sentence structure is nice, you vary it quite a lot which is good. But again, I'd put the theme song in its own paragraph.
And the freckled head disappears into the air duct just before it disappears! Just take out one of those "disappears"!
And one of his specialty looks? You mean special looks right?
I love how the Guild members have masks. And the Forcers sound cool
Typo: "Devon stated".
Put "Would they" in its own paragraph.
Overall, I really enjoyed this introduction to the story, although it does end rather abruptly.
Keep writing!
Bethan
Hi!
First off, I was impressed by your personal spin on the dystopian genre. It's really hard to find an original idea in the flutter of ink that followed "The Hunger Games." I think you have a really good idea here, and you seem to be progressing well enough. I am impressed at how well you've been able to develop your characters thus far, and they already have their own distinct "literary color." I guess I have just one problem, if relatively minor. I feel you may be stating everything a bit too literally, and revealing it in a way that floods your reader. If you stretch it a bit, your reader will be stretching out their tongue for every ounce of information, weighing it, drawing their own conclusions. So I guess I'm with StoryWeaver13 - it's too short.
Otherwise, REALLY nice job. I'll look forward to reading the rest.
Thanks for the advice. I'll try to improve on this in further chapters and other novels.
Welcome to YWS! Actually, this was a very promising beginning. Your story is saturated with personality, dripping with a dry and clever humor that works very well for bringing the story to life. Actually, it was a tone very similar to "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," if you've ever read it (and if you haven't, you should). The tone in and of itself is great.
Beyond that, you progress through the story quite naturally. It's so important that you elaborate on the world-scale details of a setting if it's unlike our own, and you manage to introduce it in a way that's subtle and progressive, which is very good. Your characters are already likable. My only complaint, truly, is that this is so short.
If you keep writing, I'll keep reading, so message me if you're ever looking for more reviews on the chapters that follow!
Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx
Hello! Welcome to YWS! I think you have the beginnings to a great story here. You set up the atmosphere pretty well, and I love the irony in the scene. Just when Marvin is thinking that everything is fine and no one ever steals anything, boom, something is stolen. I also like how you ended on a note of foreshadow. This is very effective for the first part of a story because it makes the reader want to know what else happens. My only complaint is that it is a little short for a chapter. Maybe labeling it a prologue is more appropriate, but that's just a suggestion. Great first post!