Devon trudged home in the light of the flickering lamp posts. The clouds above him were dark and foreboding. Looks like snow, he thought to himself. Snow looked innocent enough, covering up the trash-filled streets of Athiria City and making everything look clean and fresh. However, Devon knew better. Snow found its way into homes and clothing, bringing bitter cold and food shortages with it. The Guild recognized this, and every year it sent out its best members to bring in as much food as possible before the cold set in. The meager rations Leader allotted to Athiria’s poor weren’t enough to feed starving families. This year, due to poor planning, the raids had gotten off to a late start, and Devon estimated that they would only be able to do a few more. It was going to be a long winter… He turned a corner and walked up to his makeshift house. When he opened the door, he was struck dumb by what he saw. Elias, the leader of the Guild, was sitting at his dining room table.
“Uh, um,” he fumbled.
“Sit down, Devon. We need to have a talk.”
“Have I done something wrong?” Devon asked fearfully.
“No, no, nothing like that. I need you to go on a highly elite mission. You will be collecting weapons.”
“Weapons? Isn’t food a more pressing need right now?”
“We’re going to attack Leader’s forces.”
“Oh.” Devon sat there, not quite sure what to think. “Should I go tell Adrien, or have you already told her? “
Elias sighed.
“Adrien will not be coming with you. I’m giving you a special taskforce-“
“What? Why not?” Devon asked, greatly surprised. “She and I always work together! She’s one of the best we have!”
“Adrien is too brash and overconfident. This mission requires finesse, and you are the best in that area.” Devon brushed the flattery aside.
“Sir, I work best with Adrien. I promise that if you let her come, I’ll keep her in line.” Elias looked uncertain for a moment. After a long pause, he spoke.
“Very well. She may come. However, you must make sure she follows instructions or you will both pay the consequences.” Devon nodded and Elias walked briskly out of the door.
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139,505 Literary Works • 672,592 Reviews
Hello Bellator and I'm Aquila ready for another kick-ass review!
When I see science fiction, I am all in with expectations and attention. So that's why I think your work is starting off quite well!
Alright first technical details that you might want to change:
“Sit down, Devon. We need to have a talk.”
-It's much better and more natural to say 'we need to talk.'
Elias sighed.
“will not be coming with you. I’m giving you a special taskforce-“
-I think this two should be in the same line and not separated in another paragraph because it is Elias who sighed and spoke later.
both pay the consequences.”
-'Face the consequences'
Now I think your story is off on a good start, and I see potential and great images that will soon come after this chapter. You might want to cut up the first paragraph into a few shorter ones. It's a very big chunk that would pace and flow better if you'd separate what Devon was observing and the historical information.
Elias looked uncertain for a moment. After a long pause, he spoke.
-I feel that Elias needs to have a little more resistance here. Yes there might be a long pause, but it does not come across as 'real' for me if a commander of a mission can so easily give in. -You might want to accentuate the complete length of the pause by detailing the movements, thoughts and discomfort of the situation. Bring memories in to further enhance temporal lengths to really show Elias thinking hard with discomfort.
Overall I stayed and read through this chapter without a break or pause and trust me I do that quite often to many works here! haha! So keep writing! Don't stop till you see the finished product!
Really great job on this Bella! Looking through quickly, I saw no grammar mistakes, great job! I think you did another great job with this chapter, and I just love your tone throughout the story so far! Your writing is explanatory, but just enough so that the reader is feeling as if they are in control, if you what what I mean.
There are a few weird phrases, though.
"However, Devon knew better." I don't think you need that sentence in the story. It seems Devon's "knowledge" implies that he knows better already.
Also, how come the leader of the Guild gave up so easily? The Guild seem to be a rough organization, and the leader shouldn't give up a fight that easily. I think there should be a bit more argument in there.
Aside from that, I though this was a great second chapter, and I can't wait for more!