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Broken Heart

by Bellarke


Seeing you walk away,

feels like I am hollow.

Hearing you say "Goodbye"

broke me more than you know.

---

Watching you go with him,

leaving me with only memories.

I know that I messed up,

but i regret it.

---

Living with a broken heart,

it is like I am dying. 

Like the change of the weather,

you changed me.

---

And now I cannot undo what you did to me,

try to erase your face from my mind.

Watching the leaves change color,

I think about your smile, your laugh.

---

The grass begins to turn green,

as I start to live again.

Not thinking about you,

only the day ahead of me.

---

Loving you so much,

like a love struck school girl,

it got me nowhere,

only left me with a broken heart. 


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16 Reviews


Points: 258
Reviews: 16

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Sun Apr 28, 2019 12:05 pm
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GirlWithATypewriter wrote a review...



Hey, this is Nive with a review.

I really like your piece here, and could feel the sadness that the character obviously feels here.
As I was reading it, I connected to the character and I could feel the sense of disdain and pain coming off of her.

Two lines that kind of put me off were,

"Seeing you walk away,
feels like I am hollow."

"Living with a broken heart,
it is like I am dying. "

Also the capitalization in this piece, is a little distracting as you haven't followed a particular pattern.

I think that you could've used better words to write these lines but that's just a small negative.

Overall, I think it was a good piece and a little tweeks here a there it will be a great one.

XOXO




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33 Reviews


Points: 21
Reviews: 33

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Thu Apr 04, 2019 5:21 pm
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Swetachowdhury0 says...



Hi @Bellarke, this is amazing.. So emotional and meaningful..can connect to this. Loved the poem and keep writing...have a great day




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108 Reviews


Points: 2609
Reviews: 108

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Thu Apr 04, 2019 5:00 pm
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4revgreen wrote a review...



Hey, Che here for a quick review! :-)

I really enjoyed this poem/song. I could tell it had a lot of raw emotion that made it a very touching poem. I do think it should be a poem rather than a song, as it reads better that way.

I liked the structure, and i would have liked perhaps a little bit of a rhyme scheme, as the first stanza has an ABCB rhyme scheme but I don't think any of the others do. Regardless of whether you want a rhyme scheme or not, the poem flows very well.

I think you should retouch a few lines to make the sentence lengths a little more consistent so it flows just a bit more, however I think that's a personal view and of course poetry is subjective.

I genuinely loved this poem.

Keep writing!

Regards, Che :-)




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46 Reviews


Points: 55
Reviews: 46

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Thu Apr 04, 2019 1:48 am
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starryknightt wrote a review...



Hello there!

I thoroughly enjoyed this piece of yours. It was emotional and touching, and I especially like the resolved ending. Not exactly happy, because happy endings don't come that quickly, but the symbolism of the grass turning green was fantastic! Loved it.

You say this is just a bunch of random lyrics, but I do think it pulls together nicely as a complete poem. Of course, this is your decision. Either way would work. If you make it a poem, trim some stuff, make it cohesive. It's almost there already.

The seasons and their meanings are my favorite aspect of this piece. It's creative and pulls me forward in the story. If you do happen to write it again as something complete, it would be cool to see the meanings of the other seasons specifically. Nature gives us writers a lot of symbolism to work with, doesn't she? However, please don't feel pressured to do so. I like the grass part all by itself as well. It sticks out more that way. Just some ideas.

This poem was well-written and capturing. I can't wait to read more of your art!

-M





If writers wrote as carelessly as some people talk, then adhasdh asdglaseuyt[bn[ pasdlgkhasdfasdf.
— Lemony Snicket