Hey Bella!
So this review has been a long time in coming but now I am back from traveling I am going to be reviewing these two parts next! I wanted to do so even though I haven't watched Criminal Minds, so this is coming from someone who hasn't seen the show and is reading this as a short story instead of a fanfiction. But even then, it can be well written, so I'll just dive right into my review!
I can see that this is pretty much an introductory first part. I am looking forward to seeing the crime mystery side of this thing unravel. From the title we can tell that Garcia and Grace are probably going to be vital characters. I'm looking forward to seeing how, although it does sound like Garcia is already important because there is something she knows about the murder mystery which could be important for the finding of the culprit. I am glad you haven't told us anymore yet because it leaves the reader to wonder and then in that case we'll be coming back for more and wanting to know what she knows! It was a good beginning and I can't wait to see the team in action and how they are going to crack this case.
One thing I felt at the beginning of this chapter was a little bit confused. For someone who is reading this as a story separate from the show, you are throwing quite a few character names at us in the beginning with no description or reference which could indicate how important they might be to the story. I don't know whose names I do need to hold in memory and those who are only side characters or not even important. So do be wary of the fact that as a story, the character names thrown in at the beginning are a little overwhelming and need to gradually be introduced.
The other thing is is description. We're lacking a lot of that here. Although I do know this is supposed to be a short story, I do get the impression it's allowed to be a little long because you've split it into three parts. So don't be afraid to put in description here! I want a little more focus on elements of the characters so I know their appearance, or the way that the team are required to dress in this office. So we can know how high a position this team has in the detective world and so on. I also want more description of the setting. I can barely imagine this building, let alone the offices and the inside. I get a general impression of the briefing room, but it is only because of the shows I have watched myself and not through the description - your words are a portal into the world. Just imagine that there is only black space there until your words fill it with the objects and so on that the reader reads. You have to fill this space because right now I'm drifting a bit and I want something grounding to be able to envision.
Having said all that, the mystery itself is unfolding nicely and I like the little hint they have. It seems like only a small thing to go on, so I wonder where they will take things and leads from there. Now it's time for nitpicks!
“Hey, ladies, briefing in five.” Just the words a girl doesn’t want to hear.
I like that speech as an opening line because it gives me a question to keep me reading seeing as I want to know what they need briefing for. I do think that the speech should be it's own paragraph, and that the 'Just the words... etc' should be on the next line. Just to give it a full effect.
I teased archly,
I haven't read the other reviews but I have seen this quoted a lot so I am just gonna breeze through it quickly. Can you really tease archly? I think I would choose a different adverb here. Although I don't think you really need one here at all.
trying to stumble through the details without paying them too much attention.
This made me curious. Why is she trying to stumble through the details without paying too much attention? Even though this job and she has been through several cases which must have been just as vulgar, does the woman feel especially emotional about this one? Is it way worse than anything they have previously had to deal with before? Is she just having a tough time lately? Or is she trying to stay professional by not dwelling on the details too much? Is it the end of the day and she is tired and just trying to work through this quickly so they can all go home?
See - I have plenty of questions just from that little sentence! So don't be afraid to take a little time and expand on this part a little more because it could tell us more about the time and setting, or more about the case itself, or this character. Look for points like this in your writing - where you can open deeper into the story and add a lot more to everything even though it is just a tiny detail you end up opening up a little more.
where the round table and the rest of the team beckoned.
I think that maybe waited is a more preferable word here than to 'beckoned'. I'm just imaging everyone at the table beckoning to them with their hands as they walk into the room and it is a little... funny.
So far, I couldn’t help thinking. The words people dread in any murder investigation, especially one grisly enough to warrant calling in the FBI.
Did I miss something? What were those words? I can't connect what they are supposed to be... so maybe in the italic writing you should repeat them instead of referring to them as 'those words' so we're sure everyone understands them.
“Garcia, sending you the files for this case now.”
I think you should have the 'I'm' there after the comma.
Okay, that's all I have to say for this part. Sorry for taking so long with this! As soon as I have time to read the next part, I'll be right there and start reading and reviewing it. Keep writing, Bella! Looking forward to seeing this case unfold.
Deanie x
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