Young Writers Society

To be honest, although this was fairly well done – at least so far as rhyme and rhythm are concerned – it didn’t really do much for me. Far too much telling, not enough showing, is my main complaint. The other is that there doesn’t seem to be much purpose to it. You build up this whole concept of how she loves him when (I’m guessing) she really shouldn’t, and then it just fizzles out. Why should I care about the narrator? How should I understand the final stanza, in light of what I’ve learned? How does the poet reconcile her fear/pain with her love? There’s no conflict and no … depth, I guess. I’m left wondering why this poem was written.

Ignore the nasty words
That all those guys just said,
I love him far too much,
Keeps running through her head.

Firstly, I’d try some formatting here. You don’t need capitals at the beginning of every line – I know Word does this automatically, but it really detracts from the verse when it’s all one sentence. Secondly, I think you need to emphasize the difference between “thought” and “narration,” perhaps by putting the thoughts in italics. So, for example:

Ignore the nasty words
That all those guys just said:
I love him far too much,
Keeps running through her head.

I also get the sense that this sentence has been messed around so that the rhyme will fit, which is something you should work on.

Far too much to let him go,
But too much to let him see,
All my fears I hide inside,
That eat away at me.

Fears of what? I think free verse would be a better style for this poem, because you keep going with the rhyme and limiting yourself to what can be said in one stanza. It would help to explore the idea in a less structured manner, IMHO.

Hold me in your arms,
She whispers in the night.
She can't forget his lips on hers,
No matter how she might.

How she might want to kiss him,
How she might want him near,
Without him there beside her,
Her life just feels so bare. [i]

I think these two are your weakest stanzas. The rhyming is very forced and the ideas don’t mesh; “how she might” what? “How she might want to kiss him/want him near” doesn’t seem to fit with the idea of trying to forget his lips. So you might want to do some editing there.

[i]I'll never leave your side,
He whispers back to her.
I love to hold you in my arms,
I'll love you forever.

Um. Yeah. Ending needs more punch. What exactly are you trying to say with this poem? If I were you, I’d go back through and write out my message as plainly as I could in normal prose, and then brainstorm from there. At the moment the concept seems very confused and I personally think the structure is limiting your creativity. Try and approach this from a new angle; the phrases you’ve employed are very prosaic and more or less cliché. I’m sure if you put your mind to it you can come up with something way more original

Cheers,
~bubblegoat

This could probably be published in some teen magazine... I think. Except I don't read teen magazines, so maybe I'm wrong?

Moving along!

The main thing I would say is to make the thoughts into italics; at the moment, it doesn't seem to connect very well, and since you may not want to use quotation marks, italics is the next best thing. This will help get the voices make sense.

The next thing is, look at the last stanza. It doesn't have that bouncing rhyme feel that the rest of it has. Can you replace any words so that this bouncy rhyme feeling is completed?

Because the final stanza doesn't seem to be a part of the poem, the poem kind of slides off into mediocrity, but play around with the last stanza and I'm sure it'll be much better.

Focusing on everything else but the title is something I myself can relate to. But you should try to come up with one, it helps.

And the point of view is a bit confusing, without quotes to show that it is not the narrator, (in this case you) that is saying it but someone else. Adding quotes will make the third person point of view more clear. I had to re-red this about two and a half times before I reallized what you were trying to say.

Clean it up a bit and add a your own original spin that will make people remember it, because honestly it doesn't really stand out in my mind.

Thanks for all that! I've been looking back on this one a lot lately, and I think I'm going to go back a rewrite it soon. I wrote this one when I was really upset, so that probably explains why it makes no sense to anyone but me. As for the title, I'm still working on that, but I'm more concerned about making them sound good first, then I'll worry aobut my title. =D
~Bells~

Claudette wrote:I want to feel your pain, or is it love? I'm not even sure what emotion this is being wrapped in. Instead I'm just being told a lot of things, and just like fiction, poetry lives off of show don't tell.

I'd try to rewrite this, and think of a scene or event that captures what you are feeling. Try to find a way to make the reader feel with you. Most of all, keep reading poetry!

I'm glad Colly was here to catch all of that, because I didn't feel like it XD But she's completely right, the rhythm and rhyming fell apart in a few places, and she caught them all for me.

The things that are being forgotten while you write poetry: 1) poetry isn't a list of things 2) poetry should make the reader feel and relate.

I want to feel your pain, or is it love? I'm not even sure what emotion this is being wrapped in. Instead I'm just being told a lot of things, and just like fiction, poetry lives off of show don't tell.

I'd try to rewrite this, and think of a scene or event that captures what you are feeling. Try to find a way to make the reader feel with you. Most of all, keep reading poetry!

This poem is cute, and the rhythm and rhyme are decent, if simple. I'd like to see you apply those skills to something a little more original, though, a little more memorable, know what I mean? Write this story from a different angle, show the reader something that hasn't been presented before, or present it in a different way.

Ignore the nasty words
That all those guys just said,
I love him far too much,
Keeps running through her head.

Far too much to let him go,
But too much to let him see,
All my fears I hide inside,
That eat away at me.

Hold me in your arms,
She whispers in the night.
She can't forget his lips on hers,
No matter how she might.

How she might want to kiss him,
How she might want him near,
Without him there beside her,
Her life just feels so bare.

I'll never leave your side,
He whispers back to her.
I love to hold you in my arms,
I'll love you forever.