Young Writers Society

Okay, not going to lie, when I read that people's hair stood up on the back of their neck when they read this, I thought...."Some one's full of herself..."

I read the first line, and I thought "ummm..."

then I read the fourth line and I said out loud "HOLY SHIT"

Great job. No joke. This is beyond good. This is great.

I hate rape. That rapist deserves to hang.

Andrew

(I thought I'd end this with a smiley because it sounds kinda morbid, what with me saying i hope some one hangs)

:]

Yes, the rhyming scheme is good, and yes, the writing itself is not bad. However, I find the rhyming scheme a little too light-hearted for this subject. The tone just...doesn't seem to fit, somehow. Saying that, I do think it is a good poem, and the rhyming does sound good. It just doesn't seem to sit very well.

Your stuff is good and you shouldn't be afraid to post more - how else are you going to improve? But I do think you should try writing this from the point of view of the girl, because as it is I don't feel any emotion at all. Also I don't understand your line about the ironic metaphor - where's the metaphor? Anyway, this was okay, but having read some of your other work, I think you could have done so much better.
Bkwrm

Death came swiftly
that Midsummer's night;
I doubt such a young girl
could put up much a fight.

A sick minded murderer,
A cold hearted man,
to take a girl's life
to prove that he can.

He caressed her body,
fondled the soft skin. - "the" is unnessacary
He stole her virginity,
a horrible sin.

She cried as he pulled
the knife from it's case;
he slit her throat slowly
before hiding her face.

The body found floating
away down the stream.
The family is grieving,
a huge loss, it does seem.

Send a young girl to peace;
Send a cruel man to death.
He will laugh as he takes
a final, deep breath.

The casket is closing,
hide her beauty evermore.
Fair hair, blood red lips,
and ironic metaphor. - is 'and' supposed to be 'an'

The rope's being tightened;
hang him, we shall.
A so fitting justice,
eternal burning in Hell. - Good! That b****** deserves to die!

Wow. Freaky - love it. Not that I'm a rapist or anything. You did a great job rhyming, I must say. Freakin love it. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT.
You are such a great poet, it's unbelievable. I hope to read more of your work

EDITED BY MATT BELLAMY: Please refrain from swearing outside of literary pieces.

hey dont be afraid....all your doing is expressing yourself....go ahead and let it flow!!!

you seen some of my stuff, they're mostly ruff drafts, but i still put em' up just to get opinions on em' and to get suggestions! post away is all i have to say!

Thanks for all the suggestions! I've been working on this a lot lately, but I'm slightly afraid to post my new one now...Ah well, I'll just have to keep editing.
~Bella~

writer_chick_13,


Had you actually personified the horrific rape and murder, or presented in a unique viewpoint, then there might be something to re-examine here. But for the most part, this reads like a Shock Effect poem where the audacity of the characters' actions is supposed to lull us into complacency for the less-than-mediocre prose.

Next time, write about something you have actually experienced and see how far it gets you. Once you've written it out, it might be useful to ask yourself, "Will anyone care?" (as it were, you gave us nothing to empathize with here--it was like reading a Medieval CNN ticker). Finally, if you've stumbled upon something other people might care about, take a stab at editing and revision.

As for this, if you forget you wrote it, I'll do my part of the equation.


Best,
Brad

Brutal? I'd love to ^_^

First, let it be said that I abhor rhyming poems. I shall refrain from that statement here, however, because it doesn't overpower the poem too too much. Though, you should take another look at this stanza:

The casket is closing,
hide her beauty evermore.
Fair hair, blood red lips,
and ironic metaphor.

the only thing i saw through the poem was you need to cap the first letter of every line but dont trust me on that one not a poetry expert

It made my stomache churn (the actions, not the writing), which is a sign that it's good. When the writing makes my stomache churn, well then there is a problem.

Words can not describe this poem.
Lovely writting.
Your improvement has made a change to it.
Good change though.
:]

Just wanted to pull your attention to the verse:

"Death came swiftly
that Midsummer's night;
I doubt such a young girl
could put up much a fight."

The last line that Adam had mentioned is incorrect.
I'm mighty sure it should be "could put up much [of] a fight."

Thanks for the read......

Happy Holiday wishes from the CCF and Rickage.

writer_chick_13 wrote:
Death came swiftly
that Midsummer's night;
I doubt such a young girl
could put up much a fight.

The rope's being tightened;
hang him, we shall.
A so fitting justice,
eternal, burning in Hell.

A sick minded murderer,
A cold hearted man,
to take a girl's life
to prove that he can.

The body found floating
away down the stream.
The family is grieving,
a huge loss, it does seem.

Send a young girl to peace;
Send a cruel man to death.
He will laugh as he takes
a final, deep breath.

The casket is closing,
hide her beauty evermore.
Fair hair, blood red lips,
and ironic metaphor.

The rope's being tightened;
hang him, we shall.
A so fitting justice,
eternal burning in Hell.

Beautifully written, really creates an image in the mind. Very sad as well but still flows and is well crafted.

You enjamb really well, but sometimes you comma splice and use sentence fragments.

I totally want to believe your rhyme scheme, but these make it hard.

I love a lot of the corrections you've made, especially the added stanzas. It helped the poem develop more into dramatic poetry which storytells a lot more than other forms of poetry. That's really good.

I had one thing about the rythm of the last line in stanza six. It's kind of awkward compared to the other stanzas. Try switching final and deep and it might roll of the tongue a little better.

Besides that, you made a huge improvement on the poem. Nice work.

Beautiful. And sad. It's been a long time since I've seen anything like this. But it really says something about all of the horrors in the world. Very well-written. Bravo.