Death came swiftly
That Midsummer’s night;
I doubt the young girl
Could put up much fight.
A sick minded murderer,
A cold hearted man,
To steal a girl’s life
Just to prove he can.
The body found floating
Away down the river,
The family is grieving,
We soon shall deliver…
A young girl to peace,
A cruel man to death;
He laughs as he takes
A deep final breath.
The casket is closing,
Hid her beauty evermore
Fair hair, blood red lips,
An ironic metaphor.
The rope’s being tightened
Hang him, we shall;
A so fitting justice,
Eternal burning in Hell.
Thanks for all the critiques guys! You're so helpful!! I know my tense was off, Claud; somewhere, deep down in my self concious, I think I may have done that on purpose. It's like, the murder happenED and now the aftermath is happenING. You see?
I got most of my idea for this poem from my boyfriend, who write's a lot of darker poetry. Also, I've been experimenting a lot since I began reading Longfellow...that helped a lot.
Love you too, Lindsay!
I liked the split view in this poem. It is definitely an interesting topic.
First, is there a certain reason you capitalize the start of every line? If there is, that's okay. I was just wondering because sometimes it adds to dramatic effect when you let lines roll together by not capitalizing the first word in every line. For the reader, it makes it more interesting to read, and as a speaker, it adds a bit of dramatic effect.
So, for the specifics...
I doubt the young girl
Could put up much fight.
To steal a girl’s life
Just to prove he can.
Wow. I love this. It was incredibly entertaining, very witty, very beautiful. The rhymes were superb. I can't find anything bad, except one minor thing that bugged me personally:
"The family is grieving,
We soon shall deliver…
A young girl to peace,
A cruel man to death;"
The way you tell us what you will deliver after telling us you will deliver is confusing and amateur. Try to alter it a bit.
Otherwise, prefect!
...wow. Bella, I really like this. I mean, I can't even think of something that was wrong with it. Clau can apparently, lol no, just kidding. I think it's nice. Sad and dark, but very nice. Sorry this is such a worthless post, but at least now you know I like it right? :p
Love it and love you!
Lindsay
i love this stanza A sick minded murderer,
A cold hearted man,
To steal a girl’s life
Just to prove he can.
It cut soo deep! it was really well written! how did you get the idea to write somthing like this?? But like i said it's a very good piece of writing!
I love the mention of Midsummer's night ^_~ But, your tense here seems off "Came" is past tense, but, "Could put" is future. The sentence starts feeling weird because of that. It works but at the same time it makes me confused... #_ # I would say, get a second opinion on that.Death came swiftly
That Midsummer’s night;
I doubt the young girl
Could put up much fight.
I would switch "deep" and "final" I think "final, deep" sounds better than "deep, final" (Don't forget to separate your adjectives with commasA deep final breath.
)Strangely, I don't see the irony, or the metaphor. It's a nice line, but it would work better if it was true--you know?An ironic metaphor.
You really have improved.
I can't say enough times how you have improved, and I hope only to see you improve more! Bravo, bravo. If you have any questions, or need help with something extra, as always feel free to PM me!
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