This is something like the 19th romantic short story i've written (at least) -- it's one of my favorites!! So far everyone who's read it has liked it, but I trust the online folks more than my peers. Crits are welcome, and needed. Thanks!! ~Bella*Maria~
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Warmth. A sort of pleasant warmth created by being near someone you truly care about. The sort of warmth that radiates between two bodies, coming from deep within the veins. This warmth feels comfortable, even when paired with the intense heat of summer.
His arms are loose around my waist, holding me to him. My head rests nonchalantly against the hollow of his shoulder, near his collar bone. A deep breath fills my nose with his scent, the scent of new fallen rain. A sharp, inviting scent that never fails to catch my breath. Come to me, the scent suggests enticingly as I bury my face deep into his shoulder. The scent seeps slowly into me, adding to my tired high.
I’m not really high, of course. Joyfully love-drunk, perhaps, but not high. The summer air gives me a heady feeling as is – it’s the way the warm, flower-tinged air seems to wrap around my mind, fogging everything up a bit. This mixed with his oh so alluring scent has left me dizzy, but pleased.
Breathing softly, he presses his lips to my forehead. They are soft, smooth. Sighing, I move closer to him. The grass beneath us tickles my arms slightly. His grip tightens around me, telling me he doesn’t plan to let me go. Slowly, the sun is sliding under the horizon. Strips of orange and lavender light up the sky. Above us the stars have already appeared in the velvet blue night sky, twinkling brightly. The moon rises behind us.
His lips are warm as he leans down to kiss me. He tastes of summer – sweet, but tangy.
“I love you,” he whispers, gently ruffling my hair with his breath.
“I love you too,” I whisper back, finally allowing my heavy eyes to droop shut. Warmth spreads from where his lips brush across my forehead. I curl up closer to him, knowing I shall dream well with him by my side.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This is amazing and it fills my heart with love for it whenever I read it! Don't cahnge anything about it, it's the perfect short love poem and it's absolutely beastly! Whatever you do, don't stop writing! This kid of writing practically nurishes my soul! I absolutely loved and adored it! 0(o.o)0
i loved please tell me what you made on this essay i'm gonna geusse 100
your imagery is fantastic!!!
keep it up!!!
in the velvet-blue, night sky.
This is ultra cute! I can't say a whole lot. It is well written, but as a piece of writing, it is also pointless. There is no story, or plot, or conflict or... you get my point. But some things are just written to be written, right? And this is one of those. It's cute, and warm, and you have beautiful imagery. Something I would suggest is not to repeat so much. You talk a lot about summer, to the point that what you're saying starts to matter less. Freshen up your metaphors. You might want to go through and try to make this even more pretty, as well. I'm not sure you mentioned sound as imagery. Sound is an amazing thing.
One comment; 'a heady feeling as is – it’s the way the warm, flower-tinged air,' this sentence doesn't make much sense to me.
I'm not really (or rather, really not) a fan of romance, but this is adorable. I agree that you've described and used senses brilliantly. I really like the way you've shown the time passing in the fourth paragraph. 'The sun is sliding under the horizon,' I love that!
This is a great piece of work. Keep it up. Kudos.
I love it and there is nothing more to say opinionwise. It has a sence if confort, obvious talent here!
Your way with the words is great. Very good imagery. Although, I prefer staying away from Adverbs as much as possible. Omit where necessary thing, ya know?
There are no real large places where that applies right now. The reason being, it would make things too wordy if you changed some of them.
My favorite part is it's length combined with imagery and realism. I like it, keep up the good work.
-Suketsune
Hey Bella! You'll have to let me know how things went today.
Newly fallen rain, possibly?
Aww. This is cute. ^_^
Your imagery is great. I really enjoy it. I'm not a huge fan of romantic fiction, but this was a delightful little piece. It's well-written with good imagery, and simple yet eloquent. Well done. Very well done. ^_^
Much love, and hope you had a good day. Tell me about it later, darling.
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate