This is the edited version but I still think it needs work so if you can PLEASE reply. It would be greatly appreciated.
Also, if I end up writing more to this, it will most likely be in more then one Point of View so that's why the main characters name is after "Prologue."
Thanks! Hope you like it.
BeckFletch. xx
Prologue - Elizabeth.
I was eighteen years old when the war started. It was the same year I met the love of my life. Matthew had chocolate brown hair that was always slicked back. His golden eyes must have been those of angels for when he looked into your eyes it was like he was penetrating your soul. I was safe when I looked into his eyes, I was home. He loved to write and he dreamt that one day he would become a famous author.
He had planed to write stories of a love quite like our own. A story of the unbreakable bond between two hearts, of two lovers who would surely die if they ever did part. He had the mind of a poet and the heart of an angel. I knew from the first night we spoke that we would be together forever. I never dreamed I could have been wrong.
Conscription took many men and boys away from their families. They would place balls with numbers representing a birth date into a bingo-like cage. They would then roll the cage and draw out a ball. All men within a certain age with that birth date would be called to fight. The played bingo with the lives of many, but no one would stand up to win this game.
One of the dates drawn belonged to my Matthew. On the 26th of June, 1916, only a year after Matthew and I had met and fallen in love, his number was called. Not long after I was saying goodbye to the man I had planned to marry, the man that I had given my heart to. That night I died a little inside. I will never be able to forget the pain of it.
The rain continued to pour. An unceasing torrent of water streamed from the sky and never seemed to slow. As I looked into his eyes I saw the truth. Matthew was leaving and he wouldn’t be coming back. I knew I couldn’t stop it and as I saw him take those first steps away I couldn’t help but call his name.
He turned and looked me right in the eye and I couldn’t help but run to him and kiss him one last time. One sweet kiss in the rain and one sweet moment where I realised he was kissing me back. That sweet moment was cut short by another more bitter one, where I realised that this could not stop him from leaving.
“Matthew, please stay with me,” I pleaded
“Elizabeth, you know I have to go. I have to do my part. This war isn’t going to win itself.” He did not want to go to war but felt it was his duty. After all, how fair was it that other young men like him were dieing while he was hiding? He had pointed this out to me on the many occasions we had fought over it. I could not disagree.
“What if you don’t come back? What if I lose you? I can’t lose you!” I told him as I tried my hardest to keep hold of his new uniform, hoping that it might keep him for a moment longer.
“Know that I always have and always will love you. Whatever happens I am always with you,” He said, looking deep into my eyes. “Don’t give up hope. I will be coming back.” and how I wished I could have known that for certain. But one thing I have learnt about life is that in love and war nothing is ever certain. Nothing is ever certain until you hear the rap on the door.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
You are an extraordinay writer! "Nothing is ever certain until you hear the rap on the door," tied it all together perfectly. It makes your heart drop for just a moment. It's wonderful.
I'll be critical for a moment. You need to check your grammar. I noticed quite a few errors, but it looks like some of the other commenters specified, so I won't be repetative. Plus, I feel like they are mistakes that you are more than capable of noticing and fixing, and just didn't notice when you were writing.
Again, lovely job. (: I enjoyed this piece very much.
I am going to critique the story first then give you more of my feed back of the actual characters and story idea. My comments will be in bold and my adjustments will be in red.
Overall, grammatically wise you did fairly well. I didn't have to make much adjustments to your original piece. More over, I think the confusing is with the story line itself.
You have to be more clear with your writing because it may seem that it all plays like a movie in your head, but that is only because you have thought it out so many times. For first time readers, this is quite confusing because people do not understand what you are talking about so you have to paint it in their heads with words. And for the most part you did in this but with your story I think you could have added more description here and there and try to answer those unanswered questions.
I think it was a nice and tragic peice but you left somethings out. I like the story and if you work on telling your readers what they need to know then this will be an excellent piece.
Sincerily,
~Incognito Temptation
Hey!
How is their love unbreakable? Exemplify their love instead of just telling us. Also, you are describing Matthew's personality, but explain more about how he actually looks. Maybe when they look at each other, say that his green eyes were studying her wearily. Just work on describing the characters a little more.
Put a comma after, "Not long after," It makes the sentence flow a little better.
I think this would be better if you took out one of the sentences.
This is repetitive since you've already mentioned it here:
Just add a comma after her name.
This confused me because you were switching tenses. You're narrator is remembering this night, so it has to be past tense.
Overall
This was an interesting story. However, I might not want to read more of it if I were actually buying the book. I don't know anything about the characters, except that they are madly in love, and it just seems bland to me. Now, prologues are supposed to be mysterious and leave the reader wanting to know what happens, but this didn't capture my attention and want me to read more. I love historical romance and I feel like you can do a lot better. Just edit this and you'll be fine. And, if you continue to work this piece, just make sure to SHOW the characters a lot better. Anyway, keep writing! Show me that this historical romance story is amazing!
-Lindsey
Hey there BeckFletch and welcome to YWS! You can call me Stella.
Oh, boy, historical romance, you gotta love it...
I. NITPICKS
Just try eighteen rather than 18, it looks better.
I'd say dreamt. Usually I'd put that down to difference in British/Irish and American spelling, but I don't know the Australian standard, so you may be right or you may be wrong. I don't know.
famous, perhaps?
Didn't you say she met him beginning of the war? I don't know, perhaps it took a year for them to fall in love, but just take a look at this to make sure you're saying what you want.
Pour
AS Suz says, that should be a comma.
And again, a comma at the end of the speech before the speech tag.
Kay...
II. SPEECH
Pretty much, it goes like this. When you write something like:
"There's only one way," said Ben.
the "said Ben" bit is like, a continuation of the sentence. Does that make sense? It's still the same sentence. Think about when you read aloud, you'd say it all in the same breath. So you can't put a full stop before it because that would make it two sentences:
"There's only one way." Said Ben.
and "said Ben" by itself doesn't make much sense. So remember that it's always a comma, not a full stop. Course, question marks, exclamation marks and dot-dot-dots (whatever they're really called) are grand, no special rule there.
I always made this mistake and still do half of the time, as do a lot of people. I really wouldn't worry about it.
III. SHOW AND TELL
This is a favourite phrase at YWS. Showing is where you... well, you show (that's so bad, note to Stella, come up with better sentences) your readers what you see, whereas telling is just telling them about it. Which is better, do you reckon?
So for your first paragraph, look at how you describe Matthew, how you tell us about him. And now take that, and show him to us, through your MC's eyes. Show us what she sees, a man who dreams and writes. Show us that dude, don't tell us about him.
IV. OVERALL
It wasn't half bad. You have a definite strong base with which to begin your stories, you've got your characters developed and you've got a good start. Don't worry about the little things.
Hope I helped and feel free to PM me if you have any questions you'd like to ask me about my review, YWS or cheese,
Stella.
Hello BeckFletch! First off I would like to say that I love you're writing historical fiction, and I also love your last line, about "the rap on the door". Great foreshadowing without directly telling!
You might want to look in a book or online on how to punctuate dialogue. There should be a comma where I marked it, because the sentence is continuing, due to the dialogue tag ("I pleaded.") It's sort of confusing, I know, but once you figure it out it becomes easy.I think you've got a good start for a novel forming, but it still has a few bumps. First of all, I'm not to fond of the idea of prologues. Perhaps it is fitting, but it is always strange to me to read a prologue instead of a chapter one. Why can't it be chapter one? That's just a small thing to consider.
The only other thing that really sticks out to me is your very beginning, the first two paragraphs. That is a lot of telling - rather than showing. You have to realize that I have no idea who your narrator or her lover is, and since I don't know anything about them yet, I don't care about them either. If this was a book I was picking up in a store, I'd probably put it down unless I got farther than those two paragraphs. As a result, I suggest you cut them. Instead of telling us about how much the narrator loves this person, and how she thinks they'll be together forever, just write the scene about him leaving. Don't tell the scene like she is remembering, write it like she is experiencing it. Utilize sensory imagery of all kinds, and full descriptions to set the scene and the characters and make it alive. If you did this, it would make this much more captivating, and immediatly. Remember that one of the important features of a beginning is to hook (and keep!) your reader. You never want them to consider putting your book down. I know it sounds hard to do, but it really isn't. You just need to have an engaging scene where something, some form of conflict (which you already have - her lover's leaving) is occurring, rather than being talked about.
One last thing: I know "bitter sweet" might fit the situation, but I would stay away from those words. Not only is it an oxymoron and a cliché, but it also does little to actually explain what she is feeling. Can you show how it is bad and good? If you can stay away from adjectives, and cliché ones at that, and use solid descriptions instead it will help your writing so much. (Luckily you didn't do this too often! Bitter sweet was the worst.)
Again I really loved your ending, so you have me there. I'd stay away from telling at the very end, too, but your last line was wonderful. I'm curious to see where this is going, and who she is. I'd like to know more about her here - what is she doing for the war? And for that matter, what country are they apart of? But, really, it's a great start!
If you have any questions feel free to message me.