I don't know what to do.
All I can think about is you.
Over there you used to stand.
Holding my hand as tightly as you can.
You'll be back in my arms one day.
But for now I'm okay.
I'm gonna let go and be free.
Then I'll finally find myself in me.
So, i stand on the wet ground.
And let go of everything that was crashing down.
Now I look at life with a smile.
Living it mile by mile.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Alrighty, nitpicks:
Okay, so the rhythm was really off, and that messed up the flow for me. Your use of words and organization (or lack thereof) displeased me. The rhyming was ammature, like something from out of a cheap hallmark card. It seemed extremely forced, which is usually the trademark of an inexperienced poet. Don't use rhyme unless it adds something aesthetically pleasing to the poem (here, it didn't).
The concept, while overdone, is a nice one, but the presentation left much to be desired. Show us your love for this person; don't tell us. Describe his eyes and the way his hand felt in yours. Describe the butterflies in your stomach. All I know is that you liked this one guy, but I don't know the why or the how. Show me these things.
Righto, lemme see what I can say about this...
It was pretty good. The rhyming wasn't forced, or that's what it looks like to me. I hate it when people try to rhyme and they're not really good at it, and they just don't realize it. That's not the case here, though, so good job on that.
I think honestly that maybe the only advice I can give is taht you should employ imagery to give the poem that much more depth. There's not a poem in the world that isn't a classic that doesn't have imagery in it, i'll bet. (Maybe i'm wrong, but you get my point anyways.)
Wow! I really liked your poem! It was well said and extremely enjoyable to read!
The one thing I didn't like was this line;
It sounded good, but because the line before it was past tense, it just didn't seem to work.
Other than that though well done! I'd love to read more of your poems.
-Avery. (: