Published December 22, 2008
Every time I see you
I get fear in my eyes,
my hands get sweaty,
and my head gets mixed up.
Oh how I loathe you!
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Canary word: Present
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140,905 Literary Works • 673,714 Reviews
Short, sweet and straight to the point.
No beating around the bush.
Haha
Perhaps you could have used a few more interesting words.
But other than that I actually really liked this little thinger.
Welcome to YWS. Is this your first try? 'Cause it looks like it is...
1. Try put the poem in the past tense.
2. Change 3rd and 4th verse
3. The poem is to short. It can only be that short if it has a deeper sense, it has to make the reader think. I didn't think about it a lot so your work here isn't done.
4. Where's the headline? Try something...anything but test....
Hey there! Welcome to YWS!
Hmm...I can't really tell what this poem is about. Why is it called test if your talking about love? Or are you talking about love? Do you see what I mean? You need specific details in a poem. Try to bring out those details, and then I'll see what this poem is about.
Really, this poem was so short, I couldn't get anything out if it. It was move like a diary entry than a poem. Extend on it. Explore your emotions and write it out on paper. Don't be afraid that you'll fail. I know you can do better than one stanza.
So add more specific details and try to make it more poetic. It sounds like an 11 year old girl writing in her diary. Add more to it.
Don't give up on this poem though. It just needs a few improvements.
*Princess*
Hey Becca! Welcome to YWS. This is an interesting beginning to a poem-I say beginning because it's a little too short. True, poems can be any length, but this one reads a lot more like the first stanza of something. From your title, it's about taking a test? But if I didn't know that, this could be about anything at all, like a boy, a disorder, a pecan pie. So definitely continue this and make it into something really fantastic!
That being said, there's one thing that bothers me about what you do have:
I can see what you're trying to accomplish here...but 'I get fear in my eyes' is a weird way of putting it. First of all, the helping verb 'get' doesn't work. Usually, one would say 'I am fearful' or even 'I have fear'. Second, I could see someone saying that someone else has fear in their eyes, since they would be able to see that. But in first person it sounds strange, like your narrator was about to take a test, looked in the mirror, and was like, "Oh hey! Fear!" Do you see what I mean?
Anyway, as I said before, this could be a wonderful beginning, so definitely continue it. Oh, post script: here on YWS, we try and have reviewed at least two pieces before posting one of our own. You've probably already heard this, but I thought I'd mention it
PM me if you need any more help!
xxxxx