I stared at my grotesque apperance in the rusted car mirror, the bloody drool forming a small puddle on the floor. Suddenly a sharp object hit my back and I cried out in pain. I span around and saw the slimy tail of a dorkrank dissapear under a pile of debris. I dropped onto all fours and sprinted like a wolf across the littered plains, avoiding the acidic brown liquid leaking from some old barrels. With in a few seconds I had reached the pile of waste the dorkrank was hiding in. I found it cowering next to another repulsive creature. I seized them both by their necks and held them infont of me at arms length.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING?" My low voice growling at the end of each word.
"Us? Us? We weren't doing anything!" The things high squeal of a voice pierced my ears. I roled my head in frustration.
"SHOULD I KILL YOU NOW? OR JUST GIVE YOU TO THE WATCHERS?" I threatened. Their eyes widening in fear as an aprehensive look developed on their faces. Without warning my ears pricked up as I heard the screams coming from the watchers' houses.
"I'm, I, I, -" The creatures gasped as I let them fall from my grip. They scampered away as I spun on my heels, the screams getting more and more frequent and louder as I got closer. I ran up a mountain of litter to see the elegant houses of the watches burning. The men and womens screams echoed in my ear. I darted towards the houses and I crouched behind the hedge I had found my way into last night. I watched through the gap as I saw the men and women flee the burning houses.
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well it is a little tough to say exactly what this creature is owing to the fact that I've never heard of before. I do get the feeling this is perhaps something was invented for this story. At any rate, it does appear to be a creature that's just committed a rather horrific act judging by the reaction of the POV character here. The whole first scene is just laced with suspicious, what with the appearance of the protagonist here being pretty bad too here. All in all, a rather suspicious starting paragraph here, with lots of very interesting details being thrown in here.
Hmm, well the protagonist here appears to be very much enraged especially with all that caps lock right there..definitely makes you ask the question what on Earth could've happened earlier for this to happen. It also looks like perhaps the one's been interrogated here didn't actually do this act, although of course they could be lying. At any rate, this continues to get even more interesting here.
Okay, well burning houses and screams are usually a sign of some pretty horrible things right there, and well the way that the creature there ran away quite so hastily seems to imply that either its more afraid of whatever committed those acts than of the protagonist, or it committed the acts in the first place. Either way, that's a fairly neat little cliffhanger there to end on. Certainly makes you want to read on and find out more there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Well, this certainly has my attention. While dropping the reader straight into the action is almost never a bad idea (especially in a short story), you provide no explanation for the setting. I certainly had no idea where the protagonist was. I'm still trying to figure out whether the protagonist was in a forest, an alley, or an abandoned factory.
You don't seem to provide any description for the Dorkrank. All you say is that it has a tail...and that's about it.
Other than that, your story seems very interesting, and I would probably enjoy reading an expanded version. Hopefully, one where much more context is provided, as I had absolutely no idea what was going on. Also, many people state to avoid use of the word suddenly. You'd find that your work would become more descriptive if you do.
Thank you for the reply, and the advice. I will probably post the expanded version at some point, and this was only a 'snippet' from the actual story, so I'll add your tips into it.