Sitting by his lonesome, he's propped before a vase. Out of the top flows beautiful carnations. The blown glass resembles the grace and beauty the elegant plants possess. He sits on an uncomfortable cushion. His handle chipped, his sides scratched. The permenant damage is not what he worrys most about. His appearence, however, he would love to alter.
He's colored a dark blue. A plain navy. Oh, how original. It is drab and lifeless, so different from he. To go red would be divine. To shine with a radiant, warm maroon. He would glow with a luminous delight. He looked down ever so often to his disappointing color and felt all the sadness in the worldcrash down on him. A crack began to form on his side. Every few seconds it grew bigger until he was nothing but a pile of pieces waiting on that lonely table by the vase with the weeping flowers.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
This was actually done a couple years ago and I thought it'd be a good first post. I wasn't really going to make an actual story out of it, but you guys got me thinking. I do love cliffhangers and mystery so sorry you feel confused. I think I might be doing some alterations or maybe even chapters. I really appreciate you criticism and I will definately use it.
I think you idea is brilliant and creative. It's fresh and I love how it's written by an inanimate object. The only thing is I was very very confused by your poem. If hadn't told me it was a mug I maybe wouldn't have quessed. It's slightly everywhere at once and a setting would be nice. Tell a little more of a story ofthe mug. If it's new tell of his journey from the store home or "life" in the store. or if it's old about being passed down. And theta it's wear and tear comes from
just suggestions
Take care
Hi there! Your story seemed interesting, but left me so confused. Let's start from the beginning.
Lonesome what? Lonesome isn't a noun; it's an adjective. It'd be better to say "Sitting by his lonesome self..." or something along those lines.
Overall for the first paragraph, I'd like a little more imagery. Is he in a room or is he outside? Sorry, it may just be me, but I love to know my backgrounds. Also, go more deep into this "damage." Before the idea can truly register into my mind, we go onto appearance. Explain exactly where it is and how it feels: does it hurt? Is it a numb feeling?
The second and also last paragraph is what left me so confused. First off, why does he hate navy so much? And if it's different from him, what is he really like? I understand the color's lifeless and he'd be the opposite, but go more into his personality. Also:
I feel as if that phrase "world crash..." is a little too used with people. I'd like something a little more original.
Now why does he begin to crack at that moment? Is it because of his sadness? I'd like it a tiny bit more obvious. At the end, I feel like it cut off way too soon. It may be me again, but a little more detail would be nice after the ending sentence.
Here comes all my confusion. What exactly was he? I almost feel as if it's a little symbolic with the color, but I don't know. Make it a little obvious for the reader to know. It's nice to leave the reader to interpret some things, but to leave them completely clueless isn't good.
Overall, it was very interesting! I'd like to know the whole idea of it though so that I can rest in peace about it. It feels as if it's one of those cliffhangers in a movie. I feel as if it should've been longer so that the whole thing could really rest in my mind for me to understand. I'm still very fascinated in the idea of it all!
Sorry, but I just realized your description below the title and now I feel a little stupid