Published January 12, 2011
Norbert; like diamonds, is forever.
He is all I need to please me.
He can stimulate and tease me.
He won't leave in the middle of of the night and I've no fear he might desert me.
Norbert is forever, hold him up and caress him.
Nothing hides in his heart to hurt me.
I don't need love, For what good will love do me?
Norbert never lies to me.
For when love's gone, he'll luster on.
Norbert is forever.
Unlike men, the Norbert lingers;
Men are mere mortals who are not worth going to your grave for.
I don't need, for what good will love do me? Norbert never lies to me. For when love's gone, he'll luster on.
Norbert is forever.
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Nice poem! I have these comments (in blue):
Try seperating your first stanza into probably two different ones.
There is something I don't quite understand--is Norbert a person or must we say 'The' Norbert? Ah! I almost forgot, is there supposed to be a rhyming pattern? Because you ended many lines with 'me' so I thought they were meant to add rhyme to your poem.
So, yes, it's a nice poem that just needs a little work.
Keep writing!:)
Hello there. I am Kyllorac, and I'm here to review you this fine evening.
First things first, the structure of your poem could use work. How a poem looks and where the lines are broken has a huge impact on your poem, and right now, the structure isn't as solid as it could be. The linebreaks, though consistently placed in the first stanza, are not particularly creative, and you broke the linebreak pattern in the second stanza.
Because of how the lines are broken according to sentence, this poem reads very choppily and not like a poem at all. What I mean is, it reads like "Sentence. Sentence. Sentence." rather than one whole piece that flows together, with the beginnings and endings of lines carefully chosen to give subtle emphasis to words and phrases and ideas.
The best way to learn how to write poetry is to read it. When you do read poetry, try and figure out why the poet did what they did. Why did they break the line here instead of there? Why this set of punctuation and not this set? By reading poetry critically, you'll learn a lot about what goes into writing a poem, as well as different things you can try in your own poetry.
Another thing you need to work on is your punctuation. You had a number of comma splices, odd capitalization, and misused punctuation. In the first line, for instance, you have a misused semicolon. Semicolons are used like periods; the only difference is that semicolons link together two sentences while periods separate them.
Having an error in the first line of your poem is a major turn-off to potential readers, so I suggest you go through this poem more carefully and make sure the punctuation is spot-on. Because poems are generally quite short, if you have any errors, those errors are very noticeable.
Lastly, I have one question: what is this poem about? In the future, you might want to consider including some notes on the subject of your poem if it is related to a fandom. Including some basic information about what the poem is about will help readers unfamiliar with the original source to still be able to enjoy your writing.
When including notes, it's suggested that you include them at the end of a work, or at the beginning hidden with spoiler tags. The coding for spoiler tags is:
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