Published October 19, 2007
Hellos are hard,
You don't know what to say,
You would look at me,
But I'd look the other way.
I blushed every time I saw you,
You talked to me every day,
You smiled, and you laughed,
But once again I looked away,
Finally one day,
You talked to me once more,
And finally I got the courage,
to say hi and not ignore.
From that point on,
We were together every day,
Until you left me,
and went far, far away.
We had to say goodbye,
They are harder than Hellos,
But after a short time,
I finally let you go.
I know it will be hard,
For both you and I,
But whenever we get lonely,
We can look up in the sky,
And I will know that God, the Father,
Is watching over you,
And you will also know,
That he's watching me, too.
He'll bring us back together,
Before too much time has passed,
And we can be together,
Once again, Once more, at Last.
-----------------------------------------
Please tell me what you think of this one.
Thanks. X
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141,321 Literary Works • 674,343 Reviews
It was cute, but sometimes it did seem a bit forced.
I quite liked that last line, although the penultimate line did seem a bit similar to the first line of the stanza, so I would consider changing it.
Forever is a good substitute, Rea!
*VamPirate
For the most part, this is really good. I agree with the suggestion that Penguin gave, but I have one more thing I'd like to add.
Great Job.
The last stanza bugs me.. particularly the last two lines of it.
"He'll bring us back together,
Before too much time has passed,
And we can be together,
Once again, Once more, at Last."
I think, you should consider using a word other than together for the end of the third line... Perhaps "And we can be forever," since that seems to be the idea. The very last line.. well.. It kind of seems forced to me. Not just a little forced like a few other places, but very forced. Just my opinion.
Hope I could help.
~Rea
I like this, very sweet ^.^
One problem comes here :
"We had to say goodbye,
They are harder than Hellos,
But after a short time,
I finally let you go. "
"hellos"? Leave it as hello, with no capitals. It still works, rhymes better and looks/sounds much better.
Other then that I quite liked this, the rhymes seems a little strained at times, but was generally good (I can't rhyme very well ^.^)
Good work.
*Hearts* Le Penguin.