Published April 8, 2010
It was unbelievable. That whole day images ran through my head of Patrick and that girl. I imagined all sorts of scenarios. Has he done this before? I also put myself in the girl's position, dreaming of all the things that I wanted so badly, but could never admit to myself out loud.
All through English class, my head swam with possibilities and situations in which Patrick's mouth was on my skin, his hands on my body. His face was etched into my mind like a mental tattoo, and I scanned it over and over again. The dark and brooding eyes, the chiseled chin, the high cheekbones, and the full lips all were contributing factors that made up the most truly beautiful face I had ever seen. He was gorgeous, but he was evil.
Although on the outside he had the appearance of a Greek god, on the inside he was cruel and arrogant. I've seen him made many a girl cry, and I've also seen him strut around our school as if he owned the place. He was so insufferable, I wanted to smack him every time I saw that smug smile turn up the corners of his mouth.
Yet, at the same time, I wanted to press myself against him and make his knees weak with lust. I had multiple daydreams that day in class about what it would be like to feel his touch, his taste. It was liquid fire in my bones, and I couldn't stand it.
I couldn't wait to be out of school that day. My head was spinning with these pretend scenes with Patrick, and I was making myself sick. How could I be so shallow, so selfish? This attraction was nothing, there was no spiritual or love filled connection, just my simple need to prove myself to him.
When I got home that day, I went immediately asleep. I thanked God that I could sink into unconsciousness for a few hours. Sleep had always been sort of a refuge for me, a way to forget myself for a period of time.
But this was no ordinary nap. For that time, I dreamed of the time Patrick and I met.
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139,409 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
Thank you everyone!
Wow, all your suggestions are so helpful, I don't know where to begin. :]
Julie- Aw, thanks! Your post was very sweet. I'm about to write Chapter Four, so that'll be up soon. Your comment made my day, and thanks for your suggestion on that one sentence
Sela- Hmmm, your review really helped me. I do admit that the Greek-god thing is very cliche, but I just couldn't think of anything else to put in its place. Like I wanted the reader to know his personality and looks well, I just didn't know how to do it. So I stuck that in its place. Thank you so much for your review, the suggestions were extremely helpful.
Rose- No, you were right! Thanks :]
Elinor- Hmmm, I see what you're saying about the main character cut-out thing. I'm going to try and really get the reader attached to the main character in the next Chapter, so I'm gonna make something big happen. Keep reading!
I'll PM you all when Ch. 4 is up!
-Erin<3 :]
Hey!
Sorry if this a little late, but here is your review, as requested!
1. NITPICKS
This part redundant as you imply that the narrator is imagining scenarios in the first sentence.
What? This needs to be rephrased. I don't understand what you're trying to say.
Two things. First, I Have to echo Sela about the Greek god think. Secondly, if he was cruel and arrogant, why would your narrator want to be with him?
2. FINAL THOUGHTS
Okay, so I liked the premise of this. It was very interesting, as I've had that feeling of not wanting to like someone, but I really do. What you need to work on is making us closer to the main character so we feel attached her. Right now she seems like a cardboard cutout. Also, the length is rather short especially for a chapter. You might want to expand, go into detail about what your narrator is experiencing. Show us, and Don't tell us. Are they holding hands on a beach? Is she taking it a step further by imaging sex? Really tell us.
PM me when Chapter 4 is up.
-Elinor xo
Agree with Sela, totally. Haha, you're gonna get your own little possy soon enough my dahling. With this writing you might become the idol of religion...hmm.. I'll call it..err... I'll get back to on that. XD Oh and Sela I don't think the bad part was making girls cry, I think the bad part was making LOTS of girls cry... see the difference? Think about this, one sad piggy caused by some dude. And then you have like 100 sad piggies, and all of them are sad because of one dude. Get it? So it's more like it's because of the quantity not really the crying part. Okay, hope that clears it up. Unless I got it wrong... did I? =P Now I'm scared I DID get it wrong and I just explained something totally inrelivant to Sela... O.O Uh-oh...
Cya soon! PM me please when Chap. 4 comes up! (Hope it comes up soon)
~Hugs,
Rose
Ahh, well. I did, I admit, like part of the description here. It's real, it seems as though perhaps you've had a real-life experience along these lines, yes? Either way, it was written honestly, if not beautifully.
The characters need some work, though. Third chapter, and all I'm seeing is the typical high-school girl who perhaps thinks she's passable but knows super-hottie Patrick will never even think of her that way for a second. And Patrick himself? Same old, same old, "perfect, chiseled face", arrogant attitude, total player and doesn't care that everyone else knows it too. Give him some character! Make us hate him because he's unique in his disgustingness, not because he's like every--other--stuck-up--bastard from the beginning of time. Once you've developed them some more, I think I'll like the story even better.
A couple other things bothered me, though. First:
Want your fellow writers to respect you? Want me to? Never, ever compare someone to a Greek god. I don't care how smoking holy hell hot they are, just don't do it. It's a fantastically disgusting cliche, something so cheap and ridiculous now I'd almost find it too pitiful to spit on it. Sorry, I know that sounds crazy, but I know you can do better than to call him some bronze-skinned curly-haired fantasy made up by bored Greek fishermen two thousand years ago. I know this, because I've been reading and writing for years and I can see the talent in your writing. I see people all the time who just are plain not writers, but you are, definitely. You just need practice, like all the rest of us.
Second, if I haven't already driven you off, what's so horrible and shocking about making girls cry? Happens. A lot. Not exactly the same as eating children or strangling kittens, which is rather the way you make it sound. Of course he struts around the school, you've already explained that. He's an arrogant pr--er, jerk (YWS and its swearing rules -eyeroll-). Ahem, anyway, yes, duh, moving on, maybe cut that bit out.
One last thing before I go...have you considered making the chapters longer? They're a tad short as it is, and I'm afraid it's hard to get into the story when it takes all of half a minute to get through a "chapter". If you can, strive to longer, more in-depth pieces. It should get you more of a following, if you know what I mean.
Good luck! PM me when you put more on?
-SELA
woo, chapter three! wow, she's dreaming about him. hmm. i liked this chapter, a lot, and i'm glad that you updated! i keep wondering if that girl he was kissing and kayla will ever cross paths. and if they do, i'm sure it'll be very interesting.
oh, and i noticed how you switch POVs. like, the first chapter was third person. and now, the second and third ones are first person. was the first one meant to be in third? i'm just curious.
but onto the errors i found:
i think that you should switch the words went and immediately, so that it could be: "When I got home that day, I immediately went asleep."
I've seen him make many girls cry, and I've also seen him strut around our school as if he owned the place.(?) i think the first half of the sentence needs to be revised.
but other than the few mistakes i found: this was great! i can't say that enough. haha, but update soon? kay? i'll be sure to keep up with this story! i can't stop myself from wanting to find out more.
-julie (: