Published May 4, 2010
Note: Leave feedback, because I'm not sure if I'm gonna continue this story :]
Prologue - Isabelle's Point Of View
Moans and cries of agony escaped my lips as despair and anguish washed over me like an oncoming tidal wave. Misery hung in the air around me, but I was completely and utterly alone. I was screaming and screaming for help, but no one came. I was also fighting the chains that held me ten feet above the ground. Helplessness became prominent, so I let my body sag as I accepted defeat. I hung, suspended in midair, tears rolling down my face. The rust from the chains that held me cut at the soft flesh of my wrists, and blood ran down my arms. My cries turned into whimpers as I began to realize that there truly was no way out of this and I was surely going to die.
A chain of memories worked their way into my mind as I relived the past four months. It was him, the one I truly trusted, that led me to the peril that was surely on its way. I remembered his face clearly in my mind, and as much as it disgusted me to admit it, it still gave me chills just thinking about him. His light brown eyes glimmered in my mind, and my heart beat faster in my chest just picturing it. Even at the time of my utmost weakness, I still fantasized about his hands on my skin, and his lips on mine. I relived the few moments of passion we shared, the feel of us becoming one...
I snapped out of my reverie and tried again at my desperate attempt for freedom. I struggled on the chains that held me in the air, pulling my weight down as hard as I could in order to snap them. It was fruitless. “HEEEEEELP!” my voice rang out of my throat and filled the cavernous room around me. “Somebody please help me!” I wailed as loud as I could. Desperation clouded my mind as I imagined what it would be like to die.
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139,409 Literary Works • 672,558 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well this is quite a powerful opening here. The point you want to strike home is very clear right off the bat and this is the sort of thing that really does sort of sear itself into your mind here because we've got some pretty powerful imagery going down there with just a simple sense of despair being conveyed to the reader. It all seems to simply suggest that people have given up here.
Hmm, well this paragraph reveals quite a lot there. It seems whoever put the protagonist in this particular position was some form of lover that managed to trick them quite a bit judging just how much they seem to care even in a position that is this horrible. Well this is opening up a nice touch of extra mystery here.
That is certainly quite a powerful way to end this prologue here. I love how you sort of loop back to how it started after giving us that teaser on how this person got there. It's a nice way of sort of showing us enough mystery to make us really want to read on with the story, but also not telling us too much and simply hammering home the fact that this person is likely about to die here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there!
First, this story is inticing. I want to know more. Which is the purpose of any good prologue, right?
Second, I think active voice would help you a ton. Ill show you what I mean.
A couple things I noticed:
Sorry for the big chunk, but as you can see this section is all in passive voice, which gives the reader a sort of a faraway impression, like someone is retelling the scene, or as if they are watching it on a screen, but not really there. Does that make sense? Maybe thats the effect you wanted, and if it is disregard this comment. However, if it isn't, Ill give you a short example as to how you could possibly switch the wording to change the effect.
I cried, moaning in agnony as despair and anguish washed over me like an oncoming tidal wave. I could feel the misery in the air, hanging around me. I felt completely and utterly alone.
Do you see the difference? If you dont, thats fine, just a suggestion. Basically, just try to get rid of the helping verbs, which in this case is mostly the word "was".
Hoped that helped. If you need anymore assistance feel free to message me.
Keep Writing!
Hiya!
Cons first:
Grammar errors - proofread!
There are a few things that you repeat that 1) are redundant and 2) make it uninteresting. You mention that she hangs in the air a lot and that she yells and screams a lot. If it's in CAPS, we get the idea.
You can allude to the flashback/remembering instead of putting it bluntly. Doesn't make it as obvious and gives the reader some credit for figuring out what you're talking about. This might be where a little inner monologue might help (instead of the "he was this and we did this and he did that" etc.).
Don't reveal too much of what it was like between her and her lover. That's what readers want to guess at. Explain how she feels and let the readers wonder, "wtf is she talking about?" And they'll want to find out, so they'll keep reading (don't spam this though, you want your reader to still be with you throughout the story).
Pros:
No backstory = mystery = *thumbs up*. I like that you didn't say how she got there or who she even is.
Her feelings/thoughts were not overly described.
It ends suspensefully.
subtle use of adjectives (and not overused, too).
Flows nicely.
Keep it up!
Note: Leave feedback, because I'm not sure if I'm gonna continue this story :]
i don't know why you put the 'but' there, because you weren't contradicting anything.
maybe say 'i screamed until my throat was cracked and dry, but no one answered'. just a suggestion.
i desperately fought thick metal chains that suspended me ten feet off the ground.
since you already said how you were suspended in the air, you could just say 'tears streamed down my sweaty face' or something.
i would use another word besides 'chain' because you've already used that word here. maybe a flashback, or a stream.
vividly might be a more exciting word.
again, you repeat how you were in the air. you don't really need to keep telling us that.
my attempts were fruitless
i really liked this line
you could leave out the 'wailing as loud as i could' in my opinion.
another good line.
if you really wanted to continue this, i would edit this first part some more to make it more vivid and exciting. It's really not bad, but i think you could do more on it. If you really want this story to be great, you should really make this chapter capture your readers.
good job! and PM me when you put more up, if you'd like me to read them
Thanks guys!
I edited what you suggested, and I really do feel that it makes the Prologue better written, so thank you so much for your help. :]
I think I'm going to continue this story. I have a great idea for the next few chapters, so please keep reading and reviewing. You'll learn more about the main character (Isabelle) in the next Chapter, so please keep leaving your opinions.
Thanks again!
-BeautifulDoom
Hello BeautifulDoom!
So, Bondgirl was right as far as the beginning goes! You're kind of contradicting yourself, so if you continue with this piece, you'll definitely want to edit this so it becomes more consistent. ^_^
Now, with that said! If she is hanging upside down, there was one particular description that I was looking for that you didn't quite cover, and that was the whole blood rushing to her head! Which is just awful... I just hate that feeling! Pain, I can deal, but the whole rush of dizziness that occurs when all the blood rushes to my head? That's just awful! So I would suggest adding more to this description. That way, it'll make your description more unique and really get us into the scene... always a good thing!
And yeah. Even if you decide not to continue with this, remember to take advantage of the situations that you put your characters in fully. It'll really help with the storytelling, honest.
I don't know what it is, but this just sounds off. The "pure fear" thing sounds a little cheesy, and I don't usually associate pure fear with a growling stomach.
DARN IT! I thought you would at least wait a little while before mentioning any sort of love life. Build up some tension, then bring in the lovey dovey stuff.
This ending in no way satisfies me in the least. The story just drops off.
Okay I want to know more about her and less about how she pines for this dude, whoever he is.