Determined: The Story of A Beautiful Jew. Chapter One.

Hey! WOW! I thought I was crazy. Goodness, my perception of the world was wacked. Anywho that's not the point. What I really wanted to say was when she's describing her looks you telling not showing. And I know as a writer how frustrating that can be, however instead of just saying that and leaving I've got some tips. I. Perhaps you could have her taouch her face. Maybe say for example, "I touched my button nose. It looked so cute in the middle of my face and it fit there." II. Maybe talk about the way people look at her. perhaps not gaping like you said (you have to keep in mind the time period. Gaping was probably not a good thin then) but maybe openly coveting or something. And with all of your other writing just make sure to use more then just seeing. We have five senses you should include then in your story. They help the reader do more then visualize but actually feel like they are there, in the book. On last little nitpick. I do not like at all when she says "not to sound arrogant..." i think that in itself sounds arrogant. We all are arrogant and one of the ways to hunble yourself is to admit that. Maybe its not that paticular thing she's arrogant about but I think it just sounds a little well... arrogant. So instead of saying that maybe you can do a little more showing. Talk about the things people surely must whisper about her on the streets or the way she's always getting compliments or has never had a problem getting a boyfriend etc., etc. Yoou get my point. It just needs a little bit of revision, but all in all a good story, and a good idea. I do have a suggestion. If I were writing this story (you don't have to do anything you don't wanna do if you don't wanna) I wouls have her use her beauty as a weapon. Perhaps it could save her life if she has an affair with a Nazi soldier. I don't know where your going with this but that's were I would take it.

Hi Beautiful Doom
There's one thing I can definitely say about your story that it held my attention all the time I was reading it.
I have read many stories here but none I think is so beautifully expressed.Keep going !!!!!! I think it will be one of the best ones at YWS.

Thanks, Antigone! I really appreciate your tips. I'll definitely consider them when writing Chapter Four :]
Also, thank you Ballerina13! I liked your comment. Btw, I already posted Chapters Two & Three if you wanna take. Look. Thanks again everyone!


BeautifulDoom

I found this story intriguing. I feel that you described what was happening very well. I could see the ghetto and the tiny apartment quite clearly. I have one suggestion though, I feel that you should describe the family a little more. Perhaps tells of how there life had been before the war in a prologue maybe. Just a suggestion. I feel that you should continue this. It has potential. I hope that I helped.

Now, I hate to drop in and be the annoying Jew who comments on your Holocaust novel... but... I feel I must (:
אז, לפני תחילת כל ההתנצלויות! (so all apologies before beginning) xD

First of all:
There are a lot of Holocaust novels out there. The biggest problem with them? They don't do the research.
That's your problem. It's exactly like all Holocaust novels out there and shows a few inaccuracies...

soo... here we go!

The Story of A Beautiful Jew

Thanks MattRaven24! I already posted Chapters Two and Three if you wanna read them. Thanks for the compliment :] I loved The Diary of Anne Frank, too.

I love this. Its a great start to a story and ill definetly be reading the next chapter. i think that its a great setting and idea because it reminded me of the diary of anne frank which i also loved. its got an uneasiness about it and the description of the filthy ghetto is great

Hello there! 'Tis me as you requested! Well here are my thoughts and suggestions for this wonderful piece of literature of yours! (In italic blue, because blue's somewhat refreshing )

BeautifulDoom wrote:Chapter One


I ran quickly into the tiny tenement building that housed my family along with six others Good start, but a little chunky - try "...housed my family and six others.". My heart was racing wildly, - replace comma with a semi-colon, reads more fluently. Lovely description though -- particularly the word "wildly" I thought it would burst from my chest. Love it. My legs ached from the effort, and my eyes darted wildly(as much as I love the word "wildly" don't repeat it as this is slightly annoying for the reader. Replace it with "...darted around like an animal for..." -- only a suggestion though) around for any evidence that the rumors were true. I'm a sucker for mystery and you have it here, so I'm captivated -- brilliant! There was no sign of them, the horrible men in the tan uniforms that I measured with about fifty percent hate and fifty percent fear I like the kind of character development you've formed here by narrating your character formally, but be careful of sudden character change. My heart relaxed slightly as I ran into my family's room and encountered a strangely peaceful scene despite the awful conditions of this filthy ghetto. I love this, especially the vagueness of the setting! Mystery, oh glorious mystery!
My small family were was alone in our room, although it housed six other families -- okay this isn't needed, because you've already told us, be careful and look out for these repetitions. They were gathered around a small loaf of bread, giving thanks. Love the forming of this family atmosphere. My heart swelled with love at the sight of the three people I loved most in the world (I feel getting rid of the "with love" makes this sentence read just as well but you avoid any off-putting repetitions). I saw my mother's strikingly pretty face, prematurely lined with worry and despair that the Nazis had brought upon us - fabulously well-written sentence. I saw my father's squared jaw, which made him look like he was constantly looking for a fight, even though although (just a suggestion) he was peace-loving by nature. Lastly, I saw my little brother's boyish, rounded face that almost always had a smile on it Love these types of characters, they truly spice up your narrative character's development by including her thoughts of her family. A The same (just a suggestion) smile immediately leapt to my face as I saw my family. Very good and intriguing start!
"Lisbet, hurry up and be seated. We need to finish giving thanks and then eat this wonderful meal. It's not every day your mother finds an entire loaf of bread!" -- okay, this is the difficult part of writing prose for a lot of people: the dialogue. As much as this sounds okay, I think you need to make it more natural or less wooden? I know this isn't very helpful but all I can really advise is that you read over this aloud a few times and keep thinking of ways you can make it more 'natural'. Remember, speech isn't always "grammatically correct" so don't try to make it so. my father said, with a loving smile to my mother Nice. She blushed, still completely in love with him after all these years Good this shows and implicit background to the two of them. I took my place next to Gabe, and finally remembered what I had to tell them. Good way to bring it back and continue plot development - I like it, mostly because you've kept it subtle.
"Mother, Father...I have heard horrible rumors that the German soldiers are going to take us away to a death camp. You've heard about them! No one comes out alive there. of there alive! (I hope you can see the positive difference in flow) We have to hide!"
My father's eyes narrowed with scrutiny. "And that's all you have heard, Lissy. Rumors. There is absolutely no proof to these so called "facts". I will not hide like some kind of animal. We are all human beings, despite what the Germans say. This is a piece of well-structured dialogue and sounds natural! Well done!" My father finished with another flinty-eyed look. "Now eat." Good character development! He said harshly, making me regret that I had even said anything. I obediently bit off a piece of bread and chewed, anything to keep me from shooting shouting back instantly without thinking, as I was prone to do -- again, good character development and a jump-start structure of your narrative's personality. We finished our dinner in silence. Good, atmosphere here is vivid and explicit which blends well with your implied atmosphere at the beginning.
By the time we finished our dinner, about half of our roomates returned. tThe Stein family and the Freeman family. It wads our turn to use the bed, but I stared at my reflection in the small mirror hanging on the wall. I like this line because it begins to reflect the mental battles your character could be fighting. This is because you've used a form of situation most readers can relate to. My favourite bit is how you've structured it. Ending a paragraph like this keeps the reader gripped because they're intrigued about your characters emotions. This is good writing - so well done!
I have always known that I am beautiful. This is lovely and an interesting sense of appearance as well as personality. It is not arrogance or vanity (Just a suggestion, I like phrases with multiple engaging vocabulary, so it'll read like: It is not arrogance or vanity, it is..." ), it is just something I have dealt with for my whole life 'dealt with'? I'm not sure you've picked the right language here, because 'beauty' isn't really domething you 'deal with' because it's positive. I think you should replace it with "known" but it's just my personal opinion. Before we were transported here to Krakow, I would run to do errands for my mother, and even respectable businessmen turned their heads to gape at me This is good. It's like we're being lead through the memories so you can show us pre-chapter events and this is an excellent way of writing that avoids any horrible and off-putting info-dumps. I had an exquisite face, with a proportionate button nose, full lips, and enormous blue eyes that were very rare on a Jewish girl. Interesting self-description but try not to get to carried away with description of appearance especially during a first person narrative. This is well-written though. I had black hair that hung to my shoulders, and despite this filthy ghetto -- repetition fits okay here my complexion has stayed clear. Also, after seventeen years of growing, my figure had developed quite nicely. I like this. I had hourglass curves and long legs that any model would kill for. My breasts have grown fuller, and they were [proportionate] - find another word. to the rest of my body. I have always hated my beauty until now. Beautifully well written and narrated to keep that hotness of chracter riding on. It doesn't lose interest, so you've managed to get away with such heavy description but you'll have to be careful -- it doesn't always suit 1st person narratives. It had always caused me unwanted attention. I was always the type of girl who wanted to blend into the backround, but I could never achieve it -- I found this line funny, it was kind of innocent but arrogant at the same time, well-written but I laughed . My mother often said, "Your beauty is your only weapon in this harsh, Jew-hating world." Beautiful. Makes the reader think as well as it being easy to relate to.
My thoughts were interrupted by heavy footsteps coming up the stairs to our room. Good change in atmosphere, a little sudden though. I'd insert a small paragraph between the Mum's saying and this line that talks about how your character begins to fade away in thought becoming gradually oblivious to the outside world or something? Just a suggestion, but I feel a change in atmosphere always needs that extra helping of spice, no? By the sound of it, there was more than one pair of feet. Love it, mysterious and gripping! Fear seized my heart, and I locked eyes with my mother from across the room. Before I could speak, the door was kicked open and three men in the dreaded tan uniform were suddenly in the room with us Lovely introduction of the character and good thoughts as well as the involvement of the mother to keep the setting clear and strong, well done. With fierce expressions on their faces,(remove comma and it feels more natural to read) they began hollering at us in German. Start a new paragraph as this increases tension and improves dialogue structure."GET OUTSIDE. Do not bring anything with you, and do not try to hide. Anyone who tries to resist will be shot on the spot [[in the back of the head.]] - needed?" Sheer terror gripped me, for the man said the last sentence with a cold, chilling finality that I knew he was not lying. Fabulous, cliff-hanger based ending. I like these as I mentioned -- I'm a real sucker for mystery -- so this is my type of ending! Lovely!

So, so...

What can I say? There is strong plot and character development. Your chosen vocabulary and language is very well chosen indeed, but just watch out for those minor repetitions that don't really work. A few grammar errors and miss-types but these are easily sorted with a good thorough revision of your work!

The story? BRILLIANT. I love historical fiction and I'm very keen on history during Nazi Germany and the reign of the USSR, so this worked very well for me. I think you've kept it historically accurate so far, just be careful not to go too far astray with lifestyle in the ghettos.

Overall:
Superb and Keep up the fabulous writing.

Thoroughly enjoyed this work and I hope my review helped
Ben.

It wasn't anyone from my class.....:_( but of course I LOVE your story!


~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Chocolate

I see your point Daydream, what I meant by fast paced was, to me, it seemed like the story was going to fast for the characters to keep up with. Meaning, yeah it would be sad if character A died, but wouldn't it be more upsetting if during the first chapter she is playing chess with Character A (Which I'm going to say is a boy) and the MC says she has a crush on Character A and they share their first kiss etc. etc. That, to me, would be more upsetting reading the death of that character then just rushing the death.

But as the author she is in control and might want the pace of her novel to be explosive and fast. I don't know. Anyways love the story and I commented on your chapter two.

Thanks for the feedback! Haha I don't want to give anything away, but the reason I described how she looks so thoroughly is because it plays a major role in the rest of the story. I really appreciate your comment, though. And I definitely see your point about the whole descriptive stuff. I think I should have definitely introduced her appearance through someone else, but I didn't know how to do it in the first chapter, you know? Thanks for the comment, it made my day. :] By the way, I just recently published Chapter Two if you wanna take a look.

hey,

I will try to express my thoughts to the best of my ability. First I would like to touch on the subject of rushing to fast through the novel. I would completely disagree. Not trying to be mean or rude, but how can you assume he is rushing when this is the first chapter? This is a great first chapter it starts out with a bang which is an awesome hooker. I don't think it is rushed because the reader doesn't have any reason to believe it is rushed, this is all we have to cling to and it is a great intro.

To explain I thought that it was very descriptive, but there was a problem with that and I will touch on it shortly. This chapter is introductory and thus you introduced your characters and I thought that was expressed pretty well. About the descriptions, I felt that they were very good, but would the person actually think that?

Example:

I have always known that I am beautiful. It is not arrogance, it is just something I have dealt with for my whole life. Before we were transported here to Krakow, I would run to do errands for my mother, and even respectable businessmen turned their heads to gape at me. I had an exquisite face, with a proportionate button nose, full lips, and enormous blue eyes that were very rare on a Jewish girl. I had black hair that hung to my shoulders, and despite this filthy ghetto my complexion has stayed clear. Also, after seventeen years of growing, my figure had developed quite nicely. I had hourglass curves and long legs that any model would kill for. My breasts have grown fuller, and they were proportionate to the rest of my body. I have always hated my beauty until now. It had always caused me unwanted attention. I was always the type of girl who wanted to blend into the backround, but I could never achieve it. My mother often said, "Your beauty is your only weapon in this harsh, Jew-hating world."

The men must have noticed my beauty because the all turned to look. They gave me the once over like they all do eventually. I could almost picture his eyes starting at my long legs, moving up to my filled breasts, then landing on my face. To which they would gape at. I was quite lucky to have my long black hair, and thats always what their eyes hit next.

LMFAO. someone has some serious sugar highs XD

Yeah random me here just wanted to say because I've gotten so far 5 emails from YWS saying someone has posted on the post you posted on (WTH?) that I agree with Amnien, if it's a novel your going a bit too fast This is amazing though! I really really really really can't wait till the next part comes out but until then I'll sit down and read boring stuff like how Confucianism effected gender equality in china and stuff actually that's a post here but coicindently I actually have to write an essay on that EXACT same question..OMG! thought burst! The dude who wrote that might be from my CLASS! ZOH MY GIZZLES!! kay that sounded wrong...not using gizzles anymore...OFF TO GO SEE IF DUDE WHO WROTE ESSAY ON LONG SENTENCE I DONT WANT TO WRITE AGAIN IS IN MY CLASS!!!


~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Chocolate

I figured you did it for a reason. Just wanted to make sure, ya know, didn't want a good idea wasted Haha.

Mhm, I definitely see your point. I'm going to develop a bond between my main character and her mother very soon, mainly because I want to show whoever is reading how the Holocaust drove families apart and stuff. But enouh said, because this story is going to take some serious twists and turns for the main character, some of which do not include her family. I don't want to spoil it though! Thanks so much for the feedback, and I'll definitely review your short story. :]

I'm not really that experienced and the junior writer title comes with upping your post count, I think it's fifteen so you are only three off, but thanks for the compliment!

So since this is a novel. I was thinking you maybe should have waited a little before the Nazi's took over. Just to me, it seems just a little more fast paced then needed. But I may be wrong. Maybe as the author your wanting to jump into the action right away? Or maybe you just have totally different reasons all together of starting it off with a bang?
Basically where I'm trying to get at is if the mom,dad and little bro are going to play big roles in the story, you should take a chapter or two JUST to develop us into liking those characters. That way we care for them a lot more then we do now.
I'm trying to say, See rambling problem , is if those characters are going to play a significant role then maybe take a little more time to develop them.
If you look at my short story, link in the signature, I kind of don't follow that rule. But only because I think it's better for the story. Oh and also because mine is a short story so those characters are not of much importance.

I really hope I didn't confuse you, haha. But let me know if this helped at all. I'm defiantly reading more of your work in the future!

Thank you so much!:] I'm not sure how to do a quote within a quote, so I just took a random guess I'll definitely look into it for my next chapter, 'cause I want my writing to be as grammatically correct as possible. Also, I'm planning on this story to be a novel, but only because it's going to be spread out over a long period of time. You seem really experienced, since you're a Junior Writer, (hah, does that mean you're experienced? I'm new on this whole title thing.), so any tips would be greatly appreciated. As you can see, I have a problem with rambling too. Thank you!

I really liked your story! I liked the detail you gave and I have a question. Is this going to be a novel or a short story? Cause I have one problem if it's going to be a novel. But I'll hold my tongue until I find out. Don't worry. It's not a problem. Just a suggestion.

Really the only thing I found that could be wrong. (Keep in mind that I'm no English major, so I can't tell you if your using correct punctuation or sentence structure.)

BeautifulDoom wrote:"And that's all you have heard, Lissy. Rumors. There is absolutely no proof to these so called "facts".

You should go to "Will Review for Food" forum and ask the people there to review your story! I did..haven't got many reviews but never mind that's not the point. I'm actually pretty new here too, only been here about a year. Don't worry the people here are really nice and the writing is ~incredible~

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Chocolate

Haha thank you, I've been worried about how it would turn out since it's my first chapter and I'm also new here. :] Thanks for the comment, and I'll definitely PM you when Chapter Two is up.

Wow. I am in awe. This is really good! I liked it ALOT. I always loved stories about WW2 and I actually plan to write a love story between a German Natzi and Jewish prisoner. Anyway, I think that you over done the description of herself a bit too much. No girl reallly wants to talk about her breast to say the truth. I think that you left us at the perfect cliff hanger too! PM me when the next part is up!


~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing, Insanity and Chocolate