Shelter

It appears that other reviewers are looking for deep philosophical metaphors and links to human rights and other universal themes, but to me, and I might be wrong, but all I can see is nonsensical poem. I don't mean that as any sort of insult, personally I realy like nonsense poems, but everyone is looking for the inner meaning. What could "The moment slips out of the porch door to go and purchase a train ticket" mean, unless you are a doctor who fan. Overall I kinda like this nonsense poem.

I agree with Karzkin.

I think the poem is good up through the first nine lines. The sense of neighborly familiarity, a night fog, thunderbees, all give a sense of two people sitting on a porch in the countryside right before a storm rolls in when you have that electrical feeling in the air. Through these first nine lines, your poem has a sense of self.

But then things quickly diverge when you say "what a piece of trickery!". The line struck me as akin to a man suddenly standing up in Church, singing & dancing the Macarena -- it's that disruptive.

Now, disruption can be good, but the poem is just too eclectic from there on out. It swings back and forth between the soft familiarity of the opening, and the sudden explosion of shouting (e.g., "Not again!"). At times, words also seem to be included just because they sound artful (e.g., "existential").

It may well be that this poem is an extended metaphor or an allusion to something, but there's nothing to grab onto. You have to give the reader something through which they can at least attempt to divine the meaning of what you write.

Hey. K here.

Ok I'm not really feeling this. It's just... senseless really. I mean, there are threads of ideas, but nothing that can really be considered a theme. This is either steeped in reference and metaphor and deeply involved in politics or culture or history, or is just a stream-of-consciousness style random train on thought. If it is the former, you have to give us something to unlock it; something specific that we can positively identify. Trains and clocks and storms and bees and fog and whatnot are all to vague to stand in as metaphors themselves. They require either development of the themes, or a specific, recognisable reference to an event or to wider literary canon to tie them together. Check out T.S. Eliot's The Waste Land for an example of masterful use of reference and allusion. There is something to be said for being hip, but being so hip as to be impenetrable is pretty pointless.
If this is indeed just random stream of consciousness, it could also use improvement. There is something to be said for surrealism and randomness, but something is not inherently valuable just because someone labelled it 'art'. Even random art has a point; maybe not in and of itself, but in its composition or inspiration. Art does not exist in a void. Art for art's own sake is possibly the single greatest possible waste of time and energy. Have a point. Make it. Use randomness or stream of consciousness as a tool; a means to an end. Doing it just for the sake of doing it is a waste of your time and mine.

K out.