Ethereal Cremation of the Self

I really liked this poem, and can feel it well. Although, your rhyming seems off. Lines 1 through 10 are great, ending in an A-A B-B C-C type form. But after that, you seem to be conflicted on how you want to format your rhyming. Pretty much in lines 11 through 19, you seem to be confused. Then, after, you are back to decent rhyme.

I am going to dissect this poem, now :}

"Time eats the sky

my socks will not dry

morning dew sticks to my shins

and keeps gathering its kin"
I can kinda see what you are trying to say here. Although I do feel you could be more clear in your intentions, these first lines drew me in. I could not stop reading.

"in the glimmering morning grass

of the young and the crass

It is not I who has gone astray

my path has gone away"
I love this. The last two lines are magical, and they create a feeling of sadness. They set everything up very well for the rest of the poem.

"the directions I had read

were lost [a midst] my dread

my thoughts would not commit

to the sunrise painted red."
Note: "Amidst" is not a word.
Very interesting and thought provoking couple of lines.

"To answer Hamlet's question

one must first look for its invention

to decide whether or not to be

one must already be"
Interesting reference here, I like it. It makes very much sense. "One must already be"...True. I like it.

"thus the decision has been made

the answer;

succumbing to the blade!"
This made me pause for a minute and re-read it a few times. It is a bit confusing. You are building up a great image until you get to this. It pulled me out of the poem, therefor taking away from the experience.

"While shaking hands with death

one may comment on his breath

he's got us all in quite a stitch

I'll still call him a son of a bitch"
Yay! I see some rhyming goin' on. I think it very interesting that you are thinking about commenting on Death's breath, how it probably ether stinks really bad or has a sweet, alluring scent. I like it. You may consider capitalizing 'death', if you are referring to it as a thing, or person.

"for once I withdraw

I'll strike it rich.

But the muzzle is much to cold

this idea is much too old"
I am starting to sense this is an abstract poem. The first two lines are good. They sound rebellious, they don't want to give in. The last two lines however, are not as clear.

"for death is there an alternative

other than to sleep or to live?

I believe not

and you may disagree

but that is irrelevant to me."
I like how you start with question, answer it, and then say I may disagree, then, basically, saying you don't give a dang just go away.

"Doctor, let me smoke my cigarette

I know it lures me like a minaret

It is the essential balance I must tease

It pleases both my soul and my disease."
This is a great ending to this poem. It is very strong, and it is very much down-to-earth. I love it.


Overall, great job on this!

Happy review day!
~Rainn

Hey!

I'm here from the Apple Dumpling Gang for a review!

I really liked the first part, and then it turned dark and gave me chills.

My favorite part was this:

To answer Hamlet's question

one must first look for its invention

to decide whether or not to be

one must already be

the answer;

succumbing to the blade!

Herro, BeatnikRenaissance! The dark one of The Epic Ice Cream Warriors of Pluto has arrived to critique your poem. I would like to being in saying that seeing as you've only been in the family for one day, you have done well.

Now, as for major mistakes that should be corrected right away, there are none, unless you count (what i believe to be) unintentional run-on sentences. I think that is minor, though.

There are minor mistakes present though, which is perfectly okay. Missing punctuation seems to be the only one though. The poem is still understandable by me, but to others or untrained eyes, they might not feel the same way. Keep it up and I hope you are apart of our family for many more years to come! ^_^

~The dark one.