Published August 29, 2011
Chapter one: My story’s beginning.
My life is worth nothing to the eye. It is plain and boring. But when love passes the eye it makes things wonderful. My name is Tom Piker. I live in Lancaster N.H. My life is a bore because I love exciting things but this Life is just BLAH BLAH BLAH. Well let’s start the story with it’s 2014. I am in 9th grade. It is after school I am at the river in a secret spot no one knows about. “ Tom are you here” a voice says from afar. “Of course when am I not?” I reply. My friend Charlotte enters the area. “Aiyyyyy” she says with a grin. “What’s up?” “Nothing just drawing reading and doing homework.” “Okay BUT how about we talk?” “Talking is cheap.” “So is loving a girl your never going to get……Melini” she gives a smooch sound. “Your more pitiful then normal….what’s the occasion?” “He asked me out at last!” “Really?” “YUP!” “Unfair you get your love while mine is with that jerk Ren………..” “Life is life Tom you are the most sad creature on the planet.” “Yes I am but I at least feel pain, love, anger, and sometimes happiness.” “So you finally admit you have emotions!” “So?” “Last time you said and I quote ‘I feel pain and anger’ so you admit you have other emotions. It’s a step up!” “Shut up. I hate this emotion thing it’s terrible” “Ok but emotions make us human” “Maybe I hate being ‘human’ it sucks……” “Somebody’s grumpy!” “SO?” “You’re only a bother when something’s wrong what’s wrong?” “Melini…..this love thing is confusing me.” “Well ask her out.” “No she will laugh and life will become terrible once more.” “Life this life that why do you hate life?” “I don’t hate it I think it’s boring.” “Oh my bad your highness.” “SHUT UP!” “hahahahaha.” She was my friend because she was a pest. But a friend is a friend. I went home after an hour of talking. I live alone in a run down apartment. Well not officially I had my 18 year old bro do the paper work and he stop’s by now and then. I was eating and typing on a chat room when someone typed something terrible. More terrible then my emotions. “I wish I could end my life now it is not worth the pain and misery.” My reply was “Yes life is full of pain and misery but joy and the other emotions.” Normally I would be the one saying the things he said but today I was acting happier then normal. My online friends were happy to see me this way. FIN to the first chapter.
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137,484 Literary Works • 672,034 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...at first glance this one comes off as a teensy bit rushed right here, and it does sound like its trying to say wayyy to many things in this one single paragraph that is fairly short, I feel like its not too much information for a first chapter, but for just a single paragraph, this comes off as a bit rushed and it is a bit hard to read here.
The start is fairly well paced, but from there when it cuts to this sort of flashback to another day in the past is where the pacing starts to go a bit off the charts and gets a little awkward to read there. I think you potentially need to try and first of all split this into at the very least three or four smaller paragraphs with the start, this conversation with the girl, the later interaction with the brother all getting their own paragraphs and then potentially fleshing each of these parts out a bit more. I think doing that will really help out with the overall pacing if we get a better sense of where these conversations happen and bit more in depth about facial expressions and actions as the conversations happened.
As it is, this is interesting, especially the talk with the girl raises quite a few interesting factors here that seem like they could lead to quite a few things that I'd certainly want to read on and find out about, but once again, this piece just needs a bit more fleshing out before all of these details can be clearly conveyed to the reader.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Ok. I'm not trying to burst your bubble or anything, but you need some serious help with grammer and format. First, after one person says something, when someone else says something, you start a new paragraph. Then, its not a solid block of words. For example, when it says, “Tom, are you here?” a voice says from afar.
“Of course! When am I not?” I reply. My friend Charlotte enters the area.
“Aiyyyyy,” she says with a grin.
“What’s up?”
“Nothing, just drawing, reading and doing homework.”
“Okay, BUT how about we talk?”
You also need to make sure not to forget commas. And after someone says something, you add a comma in between that and the quotation marks. Like, “So is loving a girl your never going to get……Melini,” she gives a smooch sound.
You should also make sure not to have run-on sentences. when there is two ideas, you shoud either put a simicolon ( ; ) or a period and capitalize the next word. For example, you could say, “I don’t hate it; I think it’s boring.” or “I don’t hate it. I think it’s boring.” Adding things like this can make your story look better and lengthen it. I have just corrected a few of your sentences, so if you need more help, send me a private message and I can help some more. I would correct some of the errors and repost it and that would help you improve.
-Xreigon
I liked it all though it was quite dark........
hope you likes