Young Writers Society

Ooh, I really like this one.

(A preface to that comment: I clicked on "They Don't Speak for Us" and decided to check out your other works to get a feel for your style before leaving the review I wanted to read.)

I used to write rhyming poetry a lot and then moved on to free verse, so a lot of the time I find rhyming poetry really singsong and predictable. But this poem didn't feel that way except for a little bit at the last lines, but more on that later. I actually forgot you said in the description you'd written this as a rhyming poem, and then partway through I was like, Oh yeah, this rhymes!

So I think you handled the rhymes really well. On that note, I also liked the fact that your rhymes came very naturally - none of them felt awkward, like you were having trouble coming up with a rhyme. You know, like when a line doesn't quite make sense or is worded in a really unnatural way because it was the only way to make a rhyme happen? And this wasn't an issue in your poem.

Okay, so back to the last lines. I know I said the rhyme did get a little singsongy there, but I think it works that way. It had a bit different feel than the rest of the poem, but I think that really drew attention to the fact that the narrator is prey to the same "addiction" as the "they" they're talking about.

I also love the hashtag in the title.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming! (I'm off to review "They Don't Speak for Us.")

I really love the last four lines of this poem, it really speaks to the constant distractions we face as young people. As far as the rhyming goes it's pretty standard. Nothing special, but nothing really bad either. I agree with Lumi that you could expand on the "of phones and games", line/concept. What exactly are they getting trapped in? Describe their physical state, the bulging eyes, the stained fingers, and the limp body. Still I felt like the execution of this was decent.

I can't help but imagine this as a tiny song from Steven Universe. I can totally see that / hear that. I may record it once I get my yeti mic.

Biggest criticism here is the ball-drop on lines six and ten (of phones and games) and (will I be next?) as far as meter goes, as you've gone so consistently through, and these just trip up the reader, speaker, singer. It's a shame.

The games/ashamed rhyme could be experimented with, probably freshened up. I think you'd be pleased with the outcome. Just juggle things around and see what comes naturally.

Good work with this one. Keep it up.
Ty

Hi there. I really enjoyed this. Something I found a bit odd was the line breaks at the beginning, but it isn't a big deal since it doesn't take away from the poem. I like how to poem centralizes on an issues, and still rhymes and has a good tone. My favourite part is the line "Will I be next?" leads into the speaker, in a way, actually falling into the trap, if that makes sense. You did a good job with punctuation and capitalization. Good work!

Hi. this is Kman134, here, with a review.

I can relate to this. everywhere i go, people of my generation are so engrossed into their phones and games, they are oblivious to the world around them. Not just that, but long exposure seems to be depraving them of their humanity, breeding them into living tools of the system. the emotion in it was simple, yet strong, and the symbolisms were finely written.

this was pretty good. hope you write more.

Hi, Daisy here to review!
Wow, I'm not usually a fan of rhyming poems but this is done so well, and has a great rhythm to it I felt like I had to review.

The poem moves incredibly swiftly, and flows well. Each line is carefully crafted, and the rhymes seem well blended into the poem. I definitely don't get the vibe of any forced rhymes, so well done!

The poem is on a very modern topic, but the imagery used makes it very up to date. I particularly like the idea of a maze, which is something I've not seen used to describe phones or technology before.

I love the ending. It's so simple and yet so clever. It brings a bit of humour into the poem and remains perfectly tied to the poem's themes.

Well done!