Last Time: OutKast: Intro - Kendryek has made the decision to fight back... but who? Not even her knows
"Matthias?” Kobe asked in total confusion. “What does he mean fight back?”
“I don’t know know, Kobe. We will have to ask him ourselves.” Matthias answered trying to stay calm. He cleared his throat in front of the crowd, “Kendryek, what do you mean? Who do we have to fight back?”
Kendryek sighed, “I knew that I would have to explain this one day, I just never thought that it would come so soon.” He paused for a moment, making sure everyone was paying attention. “We do not belong here. We never have, and never will. You see, there was a time when life was different but none of you are capable of remembering that.”
Colony 10 was filled with confusion. Everyone was looking around at each other, and talking in hushed voices. No one really understood what Kendryek was saying, but they were too afraid to say anything.
Kendryek cleared his throat to regain the attention of the crowd, “About five years ago our world went to war. The war was very technological and logical, but overtime the whole idea of technical warfare did not sit well with anyone. The war had to end.”
“What does this have to do with anything?” Destinee said aggravated.
Kendryek glared at Destinee before continuing, “So, a program was created. This program would symbolize war, and all the hurt it has caused our world. The program was to take place on an isolated island far away from any land. People would be dragged to this island from all over the world to be symbols of war. They would be killed off one by one, to symbolize how many death war has brought to our nations. ”
“Again,” Destinee irritated, “What does this have to do with anything?”
“We are those people. We are the symbols of war. We will someday be nothing more than a body killed to prove a point.” Kendryek said with a frown on his face.
“That makes no sense,” Destinee responded, “If they wanted to end war so badly, then why you end something so violent and replace it with something more violent and unfair?”
“I don’t know,” Kendryek replied calmly, “It doesn’t really make sense to anyone on this island, but then again no one is supposed to know why they are here.”
“Then how do you know?” Kobe innocently asked.
“Each and every one of you have been given a vaccine. This vaccine takes away all memory of the world we once lived in. I escaped getting the vaccine plainly out of luck. I was given the wrong vaccine. I was given a vaccine that only takes away six hours of memory. So, the last thing I remember is getting taken away from my family, and being brought to a large aircraft.”
“Wait, so you mean to say that you remember everything?”
“Everything but six hours.” Kendryek looked out among the crowd. “It’s time that we fight these people back. We need to leave this death trap.”
“That’s not possible, we don’t even know who these people are.” Destinee’s tone was filled with anger and confusion.
”That’s why I told you guys, we will find out together. Look, we need to act soon, or we could be dead and never see the real world again.”
Everyone was stunned. All the information that they had just heard was more than any one of them had expected. They had to make a decision to fight against the unknown, or die from those who they do not know. No matter they lose. After awhile they had all decided that they rather die trying, than die for no reason.
As they all stood there ready to listen to Kendryek's plan, Matthias looked down at Kobe. He looked pail and scared. Matthias scruffed his hair a little and quietly said to Kobe, "No worries dude, no matter what happens I'll be there for you, okay?"
Slowly Kobe looked up with his big brown eyes, "Okay."
And with that both of them realized that what they were getting into was bigger than they could ever dream.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hi there! I'm here to save your chapter from the clutches of the Green Room. I read the Intro as well so I know everything going on.
I'm wondering, is the Intro like the prologue or is it the first chapter? The events from the Intro lead right into the beginning of this one so I'm assuming that the Intro is more of a chapter than a prologue.
This seems like an excess of dialogue. First Kobe asks Matthias what Kendryek means, and then Matthias asks Kendryek the exact same question. Why not have just one of them ask? Or you could have Kendryek explain it before either one of them could ask. Having the same question twice is repetitive.
You definitely throw us right into the middle of things, don't you? I always like that, when novels start out with some grand reveal or a big fight or something along those lines. However, it has to be done with caution. There still needs to be explanations and setting and all of that. Here I am reading about Colony 10, feeling happy for them that they finally got more food, feeling as confused as them about why the government is taking people, but I actually know nothing about them. What is this colony all about? Are there more of them? Are there any grownups? We've only met kids so I'm assuming there aren't any. My point is, sometimes it's better to hold off and show us the world first. Think about it. This would be a great chapter 2, the Intro included, after you showed us a "typical day in Colony 10" or something like that. I just feel like there's too much backstory missing at this point to really drive home the point of Kendryek's speech and the information it holds.
You've definitely got a strong story going here. This island is used for prisoners of war? And they're gonna get killed off to prove a point? Life and death situation, check. Now they're all gonna go off and fight for their lives. Pretty cool. I hope you continue this because I would absolutely love to read more.
Characters. We don't know much about them. We know their ages and what they look like, we know that Matthias is protective of his brother Kobe (his brother, yes?), and we know that Destinee is that tough chick that you don't want to get mixed up with, but that's it. I couldn't really picture much of this going on because I was at a loss with how the characters would be acting/reacting. Character development is always an important part of any story. Sure we're going to be learning more about the characters in chapters to come, but the development has to start from the beginning. There's not very much of it in this chapter.
Cliffhanger alert! Man I love cliffhangers. Seriously, I do. They really draw you in and make you want to read more. Even though the one here is very generic, it's still ominous and sends a million questions through my mind.
Overall, this is a good start to your story. We understand what's going on, we know the characters, and the main problem is introduced. The only things this is missing is character development and a bit more backstory. Those two aspects would really fill out the story.
If you write more of this let me know!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
This is really good so far. I haven't even read the intro and already OutKast drew me in. However there were a couple of grammatical errors and I can tell what you meant to say, it just doesn't make sense. like '...die from those who they do not know'
More characterization would also help. There are plenty of supporting roles but there isn't enough information about each one of them. I'm going to be honest when I say Kendryek is like a unisex name. I was confused on the gender.
look at that second sentence: 'Not even her knows' that can easily be mistaken for another person. which yes, I admit I did. Maybe rephrase somethings.
Great job, please write more