A/N: I'm trying something new. I've never shown any of my novels, so this is new for m. I would love feedback!
“They sent food! Guys, we got food!” There lay the food, unorganized in miscellaneous boxes. There were processed meats, canned vegetables, boxed fruits, and some type of homemade cookie. It sounds amazing, but for OutKast Colony 10 it was more food that had to be rationalized until the next shipping came in, and no one knew when that would be.
Groups of people started to emerge from their shelters one by one. Two boys came out of their shelter made of logs, mud, and leaves. One boy named Matthias was seventeen, and the other boy was twelve and went by the name Kobe. Those two boys were as close as brothers, whether they were biologically brothers though, no one really knew.
“Matthias, look, they have those beans in a can again. Remember the last time we had those?” Kobe looked up at his big brother with his big brown eyes.
“Yeah, I remember, we cooked them over the fire, and ate ‘um as fast we could, we were so hungry we would eat anything.” Matthias responded with enthusiasm. More people started to show up out of their shelters. One girl, who was about sixteen years old, walked over to Matthias who was standing next to the strewn about boxes.
“So, the monsters sent us more food, huh?” Destinee, the girl, asked in disgust.
“Destinee,” Matthias said in a hushed tone, “don’t say that in front of Kobe. He’s too young to know any of that.”
“Well, Matthias, I think that’s it’s time for you to tell him about the demons who control us. Otherwise he’s gonna find out in ways that he doesn’t even want to know.”
“Destinee, let’s not do this right now, okay?” He looked at Destinee with a stern glare. Destinee was one of the only people that convinced Matthias that people could have no heart, and still live.
Destinee just stared back at him, then bent down and looked into the boxes. When she found what looked to be an apple, she turned around and walked back to the shelter she emerged from.
Another person who emerged from the one of the shelters, and walked over to Matthias. He was one of the main leaders of OutKast Colony 10. Even though he was only 18, he knew almost everything about the OutKast Region. He knew where the rough and inferior groups colonized. He knew where all the boxes were. (The boxes were a torture device used for those who were displeasing to The Eliminator.) The name that he went by was Kendryek, which literally meant “fearless leader”. Anyone in Colony 10 knew that he lived up to his name. He was, by far, the strongest, most valiant man, that that colony would ever see.
“Everyone!” Kendryek yelled. Everyone slowly emerged from their shelters. “We have got some food here, as you all know we need to rationalize it. Who knows when they will send us more. I have an important announcement for you guys. As you all have probably noticed we are missing a couple people from the colony, and it’s time I address the situation.”
Everyone started to talk in hushed voices, but calmed down as Kendrick cleared his voice. “These people were taken because of population numbers. The officials have noticed that the population is rising as more people come to the OutKast region, and they need to start to eliminating people.”
Destinee butted in, not letting him finished, "Oh, so now they're killing us too?"
“Destinee,” Kendryek uttered, “let me finish what I am saying before you blurt stuff out.” Destine slowly sat down as he continued to talk. “We need to remain calm in this situation. Over weeks of thinking I have finally decided to do what is best for this colony. We cannot live like this forever. We need to fight back.”
Kobe looked up at Matthias, confused. He didn’t know anything about The officials or the whole reason there was The OutKast Region. All he knew was the he was there. This was the only life he knew. If only he knew that this was not how it used to be.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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I like that you spelled outcast like outKast, its very mysterious and cool looking. You introduced a lot of characters here. All the names are so different and magical. rationalized can go to rashined, though, its better tense. Maybe you could try to explain the demons and monsters part. Are they captives there? did the demons kidnap them? you should elaborate on that more, though. You don't have to say the girl here-“So, the monsters sent us more food, huh?” Destinee, the girl, asked in disgust.
“Destinee,” Matthias said in a hushed tone, “don’t say that in front of Kobe. He’s too young to know any of that.” you could just say she, or not anything, destinee seems like more of a girl name than guy name. I think you should take out the parentises here(The boxes were a torture device used for those who were displeasing to The Eliminator.) that seems to go more with a diary/ journal entry type store than 3rd person view. It doesnt look like you had any punctuation errors. It was an incredible start!
Hey, thanks for posting your story! It sounds like an interesting premise and I wonder where you're going with this.
I have to agree with some of those above me. This seems rather brief, but that could be intentional for terms of style. You also often told instead of telling, and can often seem repetitive. For example:
"One girl, who was about sixteen years old, walked over to Matthias who was standing next to the strewn about boxes.
'So, the monsters sent us more food, huh?' Destinee, the girl, asked in disgust.
'Destinee,' Matthias said in a hushed tone, 'don’t say that in front of Kobe. He’s too young to know any of that.'"
You don't need to say "Destinee, the girl." You can just say "she," and then have Matthias address her to declare her name.
I would recommend just working on things like that. Overall an interesting start
Hey, thanks for posting your story! It sounds like an interesting premise and I wonder where you're going with this.
I have to agree with some of those above me. This seems rather brief, but that could be intentional for terms of style. You also often told instead of telling, and can often seem repetitive. For example:
"One girl, who was about sixteen years old, walked over to Matthias who was standing next to the strewn about boxes.
'So, the monsters sent us more food, huh?' Destinee, the girl, asked in disgust.
'Destinee,' Matthias said in a hushed tone, 'don’t say that in front of Kobe. He’s too young to know any of that.'"
You don't need to say "Destinee, the girl." You can just say "she," and then have Matthias address her to declare her name.
I would recommend just working on things like that. Overall an interesting start
Hello! EternalRain here to drop by and give you a short review.
) it was a nice beginning. But also, since it's an intro, I'm pretty sure this is the reason for the length.
I like it so far - although somewhat short (quality over quantity, though, always
I love their names! Especially Kendryek - they're creative and different from just "Max" (Imm being pretty genera right now...)
This paragraph seems like an info dump. And you want to avoid those, especially in introductions. If you have info dumps in introductions, it just gives away too much information, when you would like things to be more mysterious.
Take this sentence:
You could try and make the boxes seem important here, but take out the words in parentheses. Here we go: show, don't tell. You can keep your readers hooked, wondering what these "boxes" must be. Then, in one chapter show how they work. All the more interesting.
Good luck writing! I hope this review helps! ^_^
~ EternalRain
AdjiFlex here for a review.
I like the idea here. Also, the piece was pretty clean in terms of grammar. There are a few errors, like sentence fragments. Take a look at this sentence: "Another person who emerged from the one of the shelters, and walked over to Matthias."
The chapter, though short, introduced us to quite a few characters. Even though we get an idea of the roles of some of them, and their personalities, there is very little physical description of the characters and the environment they are in, and so this puts a bit of strain on my imagination.
I also think that the resolve made by Kendryek was a little rushed. I would like to have seen the characters live in these conditions for a while longer and grown more attached to them so I could determine how I felt about the decision - whether it was justified or not.
I do look forward to reading more of this.
Keep writing!
You shall definitely get feedback from me. Welcome to YWS!
There's just one error for you to fix...
Good explanation. Sometimes people let the readers know information unrealistically, but I can imagine Destinee saying that.
The first paragraph sounds awesome. I get the feeling that this is going to be a sort of sci-fi adventure.
more food that had to be rationalized until the next shipping came in
Rationalized can be shortened to rationed.
“Well, Matthias, I think that’s it’s time for you to tell him about the demons who control us. Otherwise he’s gonna find out in ways that he doesn’t even want to know.”
Demons? Dun dun dunnnnnn!
If only he knew that this was not how it used to be.
I'm looking forward to reading more of this, let me know when the first chapter is up.