z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Of Gnarled Boughs

by Battlestar


Its roots below with death entwined,

The cypress stands by the old stone;

Its loyalty lies with the bones:

The corpse that the grey stone enshrines.

And of the gnarled, blackened boughs,

A touch of death—of mourning—lies,

A sentinel for those who lay

In their eternal rest below.

And what of mortal birth and life,

If death is the eternal place

Past the momentous precipice

That slips into the afterlife?

And soon all will lay in their rest

And find life was but a sweet dream

And slumber on, in their dark sleep

That black boughs and gray stone have blessed. 

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40 Reviews

Points: 17
Reviews: 40

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Sat Jun 23, 2018 2:54 am
Justlittleoleme2 wrote a review...



I've fallen in love with the imagery of this piece.

At first, I couldn't find anything to critique, but after reading it a few more times I realized that if you made the second line the first line it would make the piece stronger as a whole.

For one, it would fix the awkward punctuation. For two, it sets us up with a clear image of our subject right out of the gate.

Of course, your poem is great on its own. No need to change a thing,




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841 Reviews

Points: 664
Reviews: 841

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Fri Jun 22, 2018 4:08 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing this fascinating and thought-provoking poem about death. Death is certainly a subject that causes a lot of pondering from us humans since we fear the unknown. The poem makes a contrast between a tree that is alive and yet its roots are in contact with death. Then it suggests that our life is as a dream and compares death to sleep. Curious! That reminded me of how Jesus and Bible writers also compared death to a sleep. The difference is that he promised that there would be a day of awakening from it via a resurrection whereas the poem leaves that as an unknown.

John 11:11-14 ESV
After saying these things, he said to them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but I go to awaken him.” The disciples said to him, “Lord, if he has fallen asleep, he will recover.” Now Jesus had spoken of his death, but they thought that he meant taking rest in sleep. Then Jesus told them plainly, “Lazarus has died,

John 5:28 ESV
Do not marvel at this, for an hour is coming when all who are in the tombs will hear his voice


I like the dramatic sound of gnarled roots entwining with death. Also, the stone described as old or weathered is a good touch that adds to the somber mood. I found the use of the word “precipice very appropriate. Death does seem as if we will be jumping from here to who knows where. Unconsciousness does seem like a never-ending chasm that we all fear unless we are under extreme agony and seeking a way out. So the poem does very nicely convey the dreadfulness as well as the situational irony involved in a living plant being in close physical contact with death in that manner.

Suggestions

The first line sets the expected meter at four iambic feet per line. Initial rhyme scheme is aabb. The continuation should be ccdd- eeff- But the second stanza shifts to cdcd. So my some of the recommendations are based on that.

Rhyme scheme

The following line doesn’t fit into the rhyme scheme at all.
“A sentinel for those who lay" Also the word “lay” is being used wrongly.

Meter

The cypress stands by the old stone;
[The cypress stands by weathered stone;] Preserves the iambic meter.

The corpse that the grey stone enshrines.

[The corpse the grey stone has enshrined.] or
[The corpse the grey stone now enshrines.] Preserves the iambic meter.

----------------

All in all a good read. Looking forward to your next poems.





i like that the title of dr jekyll and mr hyde makes a clear stance that the embodiment of one’s own evil doesn’t get a claim to the doctorate
— waywardxwallflower