Young Writers Society

Thanks for sharing this poem about a new beginning where negative memories will n longer plague us. I like how this is compared to the dawning of a new day and how the rising of the sun serves to obliterate those memories. It reminds me of the biblical verses that tell us that the former things will not be recalled in God’s new righteous world.

Isaiah 65:17
"For behold, I create new heavens and a new earth; And the former things will not be remembered or come to mind.


Revelation 21:4
. . . . He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away."

Not saying that you had that in mind. Just saying that as a reader it made me think of those things.

Suggestions

I personally would have enjoyed reading it more with regular punctuation, so my advice is based on that. When each line starts with a capital, I pause because I am not sure whether I am starting a new sentence or continuing the one above. Sometimes I have to stop and start over because I make the mistake of continuing after a slight pause when I was suppose to come to a full stop.

This is made more serious if we use commas instead of periods because commas are telling me to pause and not stop. If I pause and then I find that I needed to stop, then I will have misread it and the reading experience can become choppy via a distracting stop-and-start sequence. So in my opinion, fixing this would be an improvement. Below are some punctuation and other suggestions that I feel will improve readability.

Reducing the repetition of the following words would be nice.

sun = 5
night =4

Careful with fire and fiery.

----------------------------

Not using the word “do” or “does” would also enhance the poem. It was standard usage once in order to fill in the meter and to add emphasis but is considered artificial and unnecessary today.

. . . . does darkness . . . .

. . . . do haunt . . . .
[ . . . . will hunt . . . .]

outlive [ survive]

When its great face the people see at last, [fragment]

But let us give in not; . . . .
[But let us not give in . . . .]

[ . . . . like arrows of fire to consume the past.
[ . . . . like flaming arrows to consume the past.]

. . . . destroyed will be; . . . .
[. . . will be destroyed . . .]

. . . . there will be still . . . .
. . . . there still will still be . . . .

When the bright sun over the world rises,

[i]ts fiery glow marks the end to the night;

[t]he longest night, the darkest of the nights

[t]hat ever hands of darkness could devise[.]

When its great face the people see at last,


A new beginning brings its sunlit rays

[l]ike arrows to fire at darkness' hands,

[like arrows of fire to consume the past.

'O when this morn will come the sun will shine,

[a]nd ashes of the past destroyed will be;

And those of all the people - how many

[s]ouls could not outlive their darkest time?
-

For though the sun may rise there will be still[,]

[s]hards of night remaining - memories -

And threatening the fragile harmony

The innocence of soul kill.
-

But let us give in not; we must assail

[o]ur suffering of times past and to come,

And with the divine light of the bright sun,

Though memories do haunt, we must prevail.



Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to reading more of your poetry.