"I'm sorry."
Why the hell did she just keep apologizing? It didn't change anything. She was a liar. She did not deserve forgiveness.
As far as he was concerned, their relationship was over long ago. It was pathetic watching her attempts to start anew. So he left the apartment, telling her he expected her gone by noon. With that said he took a walk through the city to calm his nerves.
Wilmont took a drag from his cigarette and exhaled a breath of smoke. He cursed as he met the eyes of someone who he did not want to see.
"James!" Benelli called out loudly over the chattering crowds.
Wilmont quickly turned in the opposite direction. He quickly stamped his cigarette out on the ground.
Not him, he wouldn’t hear the end of it.
Benelli wasn't going to be ignored. The dark haired man quickly slithered through the crowds. Even after quickening his pace considerably Wilmont felt a hand grasp his shoulder. He turned his head slightly to meet the younger man’s gaze.
"James, we need to talk.” Benelli became silent as he read Wilmont’s expression. “Did you two split?"
Wilmont began to rub the nape of his neck. "What's it to you?”
He blankly stared ahead in silence before continuing. “She’s a real bitch, I don't regret anything."
Benelli let out a prolonged sigh, "Just when I thought you two were getting along."
"Benelli I'm really not in the mood for any lecture you have to offer." Wilmont lightly touched his forehead as he turned to walk away. He’d had enough; he needed a drink. He needed to clear his mind.
"As much as I’d love to I don’t have the time.” The young man appeared beside him once again.
“Richie's worried about her. He can't find her anywhere, and she won't answer her phone." His brows arched in an accusing expression.
Wilmont was tempted to roll his eyes. "It's Abby; she'll be sulking for attention." He replied in a monotonous tone.
It had been a few hours since Wilmont left the apartment, though to him it felt like ten minutes ago. He was prepared to bury any feelings of guilt. He just knew she'd probably try to make him feel bad. Abby always had to make people feel sorry for her.
"No." Benelli blocked his path. "Something isn't right James. She always has that phone with her. Rich is starting to get real worried."
Wilmont circled the younger man, "What does that have to do with me?"
"You probably saw her last."
"Last time I seen her was at the apartment, I told her to be out by noon." He informed him.
"That's it? You didn't think to ask where she was going to go?” Benelli clenched his hair in his hands. “It is 3 o'clock, you stupid bastard. She could be anywhere by now."
"For God's sake don't get angry at me.” He thrust a finger at his chest. “What makes you think I even want to keep tabs on her?"
Benelli furrowed his brow in thought, "Look I'm sorry. Rich is really stressing me out. At least help me find her."
“She’s dead to me.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Well not much I can say after the last reviewer, but I think it was a nice short story.
I think you can take this story farther and build it up if you wanted to, it'd be interesting to see how it turns out.
So keep up the good work, and keep on writing!
Oh, and welcome to YWS!
Heya!
Lots of new faces around here nowadays, cool to see. Welcome to YWS! I hope you find your stay satisfying.
Alrighty, on to the review. A find this to be a pretty strong start. Which is weird. It's weird because when I started reading, I thought to myself, "Oh, just another break-up thingy." But as I read on, the dialogue started and, suddenly, I was interested. Your dialogue is solid. It reads like a normal conversation. Some of the narrative, however, is a little clunky.
I assume by this you mean that their relationship had ended, ergo died, ergo become a ghost. It's a fine attempt at working a little something into the narrative, but here it just ends up sounding odd. I'd go with something more mundane, though it's up to you.
'Cursing' doesn't work here. Either remodel the whole sentence or change it to 'He cursed'.
Two things I don't like in this bit. Stating that he said it in a confused tone is the most blatant way of telling us what he did. The number one rule of writing (other than grammar :p) is to show, not tell. An example of showing in this occasion:
"James, I wanna talk. Where's Abby?" He looked oddly at Wilmont. "Did you two split?"
It implies confusion, without the need to explicitly state it. Closer to real life this way, where we don't get the privilege of being told someone's tone. The second thing that bothered me is this: how did Bellini happen to guess they split? Was it some way Wilmont gestured or indicated? Have they known each other long enough for Bellini to instinctively know? I get the impression their friendship isn't really one of mutual positivity, so I wonder how Bellini caught on so fast. Just something to think on.
-----
There were a couple of instances where there were commas instead of periods and some of the letters that needed to be capitalised weren't capitalised at all, which leads me to think you haven't looked through this at all. I suggest at least clearing up these kinds of mistakes before posting in the future; makes it all more fun for the reader/potential reviewer.
So. Storywise I haven't got much to go by, but there's some tension built up already with her gone missing and such. This seems like a solid platform from which to jump into the story, but there isn't really much to comment about other than that I like Wilmont's personality. If you'll inform me when you post more of this, I'll brew up something more substantial to say, but for now I'll have to content myself on nitpicking only.
Oh, and after someone says something and you write 'he/she said', the pronoun will be lower case.
e.g.
That's my time, then. Hope this helped and hit me up when you post more.
Your
's
truly,
Life.
Thank you for the review, yes I have terrible writing habits. I really must get out of the habit of writing late into the night.
I'll be sure to take on board what you have kindly taken time to explain. I'm going to redraft this - possibly several times over when I'm in a better state of mind.
There was probably a better segment I could have used for the reader to understand the situation better. All of these points are a big help and I'll hopefully post the full chapter out after considering these weak points.
Well, I'll be off shortly for a good nights sleep.
Thanks again,
Bat