Published June 25, 2011
Reviews appreciated! I'd love to improve in any way I am able.
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138,978 Literary Works • 672,393 Reviews
Oh, did I? XD Thanks.
Hey i loved the story you have really good description, the only thing i noticed was that twice in the story you wrote that Murdoc "Was amused by her boldness" Try to switch it up a little. Other then that it was great, i'm looking forward to a sequel!
Thanks for the review. I'll edit the points you brought up and keep the ones you suggested in mind.
Hey,
Thanks for requesting review. I generally point out grammatical errors. First thing I noticed though was towards the end you don't have a line of space between your dialogue for example:
Yours looks like this:
I love you.
I love you too.
Really, great!
Lets get married.
It should look like this because it's easier to read:
I love you.
I love you too.
Really, great!
Lets get married.
Make sense?
Anywho, on to the meat of your review:
I don't think the use of parenthesis is right here, so try to make that its own sentence instead of forcing it into parenthesis.
Try to keep from switching tenses it confuses your readers. Lay is a present tense verb, but later on you use the verb was which is a past tense verb.
This would sound better if you put the word of after hours
With all the details in the beginning I felt a little bored. Your readers do have an imagination; let them use it a little. Overall it was ok. I can't quite put my finger on what needs work, but maybe that's because I don't know what you are writing you fanfiction about. Keep up the good work. If you have any questions or need another review just ask!
Have a great day,
Tiffany
Thank you for your review! Chapter Two is currently in the works.
This is a great story, I have to say. I wasn't necessarily checking for grammatical errors more than I was reading to see how compelling the story is, and I have to say, it was very enjoyable to read, especially being that of a Gorillaz fan myself. I think you very accurately portrayed Murdoc in this story, and I certainly look forward to more. I might also re-read and check for any other errors, but from what I've read, it's good to go. Good work, and I look forward to seeing more from you in the future.