I grab the hands and pull them off me. I push the person in front of me out of the way and rush forward. Gus is about to punch Daniel in the face, so I duck under him and stand in front of Daniel. I grab the fist and squeeze. Gus cries out, and I twist his hand.
“Back off,” I growl.
No one listens, and I can hear some boys creeping up to grab Daniel. I push Gus away and spin around. I bark at Daniel to duck, and he drops to the ground. Two fists come flying at my face, and I dodge out of the way. I grab one and spin around, twisting the arm as I move. I leap over Daniel, and kick one boy in the face. I’ve worked them all up into a blind rage, and I think they must see me as Daniel, because they all start attacking me.
I jump to the side and then back again, dodging a poorly aimed swing and a wayward kick. I realise Daniel isn’t at my feet, and I look around. I spot him sitting on a crate, far above the fight. Our eyes meet, and he waves me over. I shake my head and spin around just as someone tries to hit me.
I grab the arm and pull. I spin the person around and send them crashing into other people. One boy comes at me, screaming, and I pull my fist back. With a lightening quick punch, I knock him out. He goes flying backwards, and I smile. I’ve never been in a fight like this before, and it’s really exciting.
I hear the sound of metal scraping against metal, and spin around. A knife sails past my face, only just skimming my cheek. I can feel the metal tearing the first couple of layers of skin, and the first trickle of blood roll down my cheek. My eyes widen in surprise, and everything becomes slow. I watch in horror as the knife continues to go passed my face.
Out of the corner of my eye I spot a fist coming, and several hands reaching to grab me. I call forth Sehkmet and Bastet’s powers, and suddenly everything snaps back to the normal speed. My foot comes up and kicks the knife hand away from my face. I lean back, and the punch flies over my face, hitting the person opposite. My back folds over itself in a bend-back, my hands touching the ground. I flip over and kick two people either side of me before pushing off with my hands and land on my feet, all in one quick motion.
I run to the side of the group and keep running around. I jump and kick off someone’s chest, spinning through the air. One kid decides to get under me and holds his arms out. I flip in the air and when I land, I come down onto his head with my elbow.
Three boys run at me and I duck one swing, tripping another over with my foot. I punch the third in the stomach, and then turn around to dodge the rally of attacks made by the first boy. I grab his wrist and pull him over my body. He lands on his back, coughing and spluttering: winded.
I spin around to find the lanky boy running at me. I dodge his first swing and punch him. Well, try to anyway, because he deflects my hit. He jumps back, and then forward and tries to kick me in the face. I grab his foot and pull forward. He falls, and I elbow his face. He stumbles away from me, but I still have his leg. He trips over and lands on his back. I let go of his leg and step back.
A hand grabs my shoulder, and I spin around to see Gus pulling his fist back, ready to punch me in the face. Once again, time seems to slow down. I can see, from the way his arm is positioned, that he is aiming for my nose. His whole body is sturdy and solid on the ground. There is no way I can dodge or duck this hit, so I either have to take it, or risk my shoulder.
Time snaps back into place and Gus’s hand flies at my face. I drop to the ground, my shoulder wrenched from its socket, and Gus comes over me. I roll onto my back and kick him in the guts, sending him flying over me. I jump up just as two people grab me. My shoulder is in so much pain, and for a second I regret what I’d done.
In the hold of the two boys, I go slack. Gus gets up, clutching at his guts, and spins around. He growls at two boys who edge closer to me. I step back, and grab the hands on my shoulders. I leap up, spinning around, and land on their shoulders. I kick the two boys in the heads, and they drop. I leap off their shoulders and land on the ground. I glare at the other two boys but don’t wait for them to attack.
With my shoulder screaming in pain, I run forward, feign an attack to the right, and jump to the left, smashing one boy in the chest, and then spinning around to elbow him in the nose. He goes flying back, and then the other boy runs at me. I grab his shoulders and hold him back. He kicks out, and I block each kick with my knees and shins. I then spin around, and pull him over my head. He lands on the ground just as two more boys attack me. I dodge one hit, and then another. Once again, I can hear the sound of a knife being drawn, and time slows down for the third time. But instead of standing there, assessing the situation, I run toward the boy and grab his wrist. Time snaps back into place, and I twist. The knife comes out of his hand, and he screams as I continue to twist.
My eyes bore into the boy’s, and I twist his wrist again. He screams in pain, begging me for mercy.
The boys start running away, and I let go of the wrist in my grip. But the fight isn’t over just yet. Gus runs at me, his fist aimed for my face. There is no hesitation here, and I know he intends to hit me this time. I run toward him, and grab his wrist. My other arm reaches for his elbow, and I spin him around. He’s facing me now, and I start bending his arm. I can feel the bone and muscles protesting as I continue to bend. Gus looks at me in horror, as if he can’t believe what he sees in my eyes.
“Cleo let go!” Daniel yells.
I bend Gus’s arm even more, and I can feel the bone cracking. Gus screams in agony, but that only makes me smile. Some boys remain to see the outcome, but most of them have gone.
Just in my view, I see Gus’s other hand ball up. He tries to swing at me, but I duck. He tries again, and I duck again. He continues to try and hit me, but I dodge every attempt he makes to attack me. He manages to grab my neck, and he starts to squeeze. My vision becomes cloudy, and my breathing becomes shallow and ragged.
I look up, right into Gus’s eyes. I see he hasn’t the gall to kill me, but that doesn’t stop me. I shift my hands on his arm, and snap it. I can hear the bone breaking, the sweet snap under my hands. The muscle tears, and I can hear that, too. I want to keep going. I want to bend his arm right in half, but I know that isn’t right.
I let go of Gus’s arm and back up. The other boys stare at me in horror, and then turn and run. Gus is on the ground screaming, and I can hear footsteps behind me. I run forward and stop in front of Daniel. He looks at me angrily and shakes his head, but runs off anyway. I follow close behind, and we get to the sidewalk before the people behind us do. Daniel crosses the road and we stand under the bus shelter just as the bus comes around the corner of the road.
“Well, that was interesting,” states Daniel.
I look at him, one eyebrow raised, and he glares at me. I look away, almost ashamed.
“Daniel I –”
“Save it for when we get home,” he growls. He puts his hand on my shoulder, and pushes me onto the bus. “Lets not cause a scene here,” he says, voice softer and lower.
There is only one seat left, so I make Daniel sit and I stand beside him. Some people look at us again with weird looks, but I ignore them. I realise I still have the powers of the Gods and Goddesses burning in me, so I close my eyes and let them go.
Thank you, Apophis for giving me the power to cause chaos, Bastet for giving me the power to be strong, Horus for being able to fight the battle, Sehkmet for the anger, Sobek for the strength and Wadjet for the power I had to help me protect Daniel. I hope I did well.
When I open my eyes, Daniel is standing and pulling me off the bus. I walk with him in silence once more, wondering why Daniel might be angry with me. All I did was defend him. Though I have to admit I did go a bit over bored and I didn’t really need to break Gus’s arm. But he did have my neck in his hands, and he was choking me.
Daniel gives me a cheeky look and runs off into the trees around us. I stand still for a moment, and then chase after him. I leap over a log and fall through a wall of leaves. I stumble across the ground and keep running. I’ve never really run through the forest before, so every root and tree branch is one centimetre away from hitting me. One branch whips across my face, and my cheek starts to sting again.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
Knight Dragon, here to review!
I hope you can understand that, as a college student with finals looming next week, I don't have time to go back and read all the preceding chapters, which is what I'd prefer to do when reviewing. So I'll stick to technical, unless something major sticks out.
You misspelled "my." You have "me" instead.
Wait...if the MC's bending back up, then why are their hands touching the ground? This is a little ambiguous.
Minor nitpick. "first hit" should be "first strike," because if he hit the MC, then it wasn't a dodge.
Same nitpick. Not sure if you've been doing this the whole time and I just noticed it on the one before, or if the previous one was the first example. You could substitute "punch" or "blow" in these situations to be more accurate.
All other instances of this will now be left alone.
"get a bit over bored" should be "go a bit overboard."
Purely a style recommendation, but the sentence reads much better without a comma.
Hope this helps!
Thanks for pointing those out!!! helped a lot
Hey there! Knight Onyx is here to review! So let's get this party started! ^^
Comments
Okay, so far I am liking it a lot! This is my first time reading this, as I said before I am liking it. So, I do have a few things to say. These are only my opinions, don't feel the need to change unless you want too. ^^ You tend to use "I twist, I dodge, I duck..." A lot through this scene. As far as I can tell, most of this is a fight scene. I wouldn't use the word "I" at the beginning of the sentence. A few times is alright but I did notice you tend to use them a lot. Instead of using the word "I" at the beginning, start off with the action. For an example, I will use a line from the last paragraph.
I would change this into, "Stumbling across the ground while still running." - Sorry this is not the best example but you see what I mean? Using the word "I" is alright but the repetitive use is not the best idea.
Also, you are barely scratching the surface during the fighting scene. Though it is easier to read, go into some detail. Say when you twist someone's arm, you can feel the break of the bones as they splinter into the tissue that surrounds it as well as the muscle. Maybe talk about the character's feelings as he is breaking peoples arms or punching. Say the madness that causes his happiness? -Just a thought I had as I was reading through. The fight scene was long enough, though, for me, it seemed a bit fast. Again, just my thoughts as I was reading. ^^
Other than that, great job! Again, this is my first time reading this. I will have to go back and read from the beginning! If you have any questions why I said something or questions in general, feel free to send me a message. Also, if you would like anything else reviewed, post it up on my wall! Thank you so much for your time, keep on writing my friend!
~Knight Onyx
Thank YOU for the lovely review!! I shall fix my mistakes, and I totally understand what you've said!! Though I'd just like to say ... *giggles* the MC is female
And I'll let you know if there is anything else ^^