Published September 18, 2007
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139,546 Literary Works • 672,605 Reviews
I'm surprised that more people haven't reviewed this, I thought it was pretty good.
Interesting idea. I agree with writergirl in that the intro isn't the best, I was afraid your whole story was going that way... But anyway, this seems more like science fiction than other fiction, but who knows, it might be different later on.
Space it out!
I also had a problem with your dialogue, it was confusing and seemed unrealistic.
I don't like the intro. I prefer the story just to start. I don't want to be told what is happening, I just want to get into the actual story. Of course, that's just my opinion. Everyone has their own.
Make sure you double space. It would make this easier to read. XD
End punctuation after quotes.
"He sat on the kerb, besides a piece of gum and removed his shoe to find a splinter." "kerb" should be "curb"
"were thoroughly un-enjoying the experience." "un-enjoying" is not a great word. I don't really like it. Try another one.
This is really sad! And, Idk. I don't really like it. But that's just me. It's not really my style, but that's just me. Everyone is different.
Hope this helps. Jamie Bondage.